Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

[NewmanintownRob]

I have someone I am seeing and she has a picture of her and her deceased husband as her main profile picture on Facebook. I keep in touch with a lot of family and friends through Facebook, but I’m not obsessed by it. However, she has been a widow for four years and I am fully supportive of her sons and family and her deceased husband’s family. However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier - her family and friends know about me and her, most of my family and friends know about me and her. I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level and I’m starting to get worried that she isn’t wanting that. I am giving a time but it does make me a little uncomfortable. AIBU ?

Not a bot - but maybe she is just not that into me and I should back off. And not think about long-term and just live my life. What I hear from her directly and from texts is different than what I’m seeing in real life. Or maybe she simply doesn’t see it.

Ok, so how does her commitment to you look? If both your families and friends are aware of your relationship you're obviously looking for some public declaration to satisfy your concerns are unfounded..

I'm struggling to understand what it is you want in tangible form. The fact that you're even asking these questions and are uncertain suggests your commitment is to a relationship up to whatever your standards are, not to the individual woman you describe as your soul mate.

You're only going to resolve this by seeing how it goes and talking to her. I don't think changing her profile picture is going to relieve the particular concerns you have.

And maybe, you haven't given it enough time.

I feel that you're rushing things. It's clear you're very keen on her.

Because of your ages you want to know ASAP if there's going to be a marriage.

If you're willing to give her time, you may achieve that.

But it's only been a few months. Be patient.

You keep saying it’s not about FB but to your friends and family it doesn’t look like she is with you because they moved on in a different way to her.

In every relationship there is the point that the people involved are trying to work out if this is for the long-haul. You just need to take a leap of faith and trust her when she’s telling you that you are the next chapter of her life. How long do you give it? Well how long is a piece of string? There isn’t an arbitrary number, it’s going to be different for everyone depending on their previous experiences and relationships.

You say you have chemistry with her and have never had this chemistry with anyone, yet you’re needing to give her an arbitrary timeline to move to. Or you break up with her? It sounds like you just want a wife with little regard as to whether it is actually her or not.

It is her - she to me is not just anyone - she is someone I could call a girlfriend and also possibly someday call a wife .I am not ready to break up, but I’m just trying to figure this thing out. Maybe I am ready to move a little bit faster than her yet. I also know I’m not moving too fast.

I'm became widowed 7 years ago, I remarried this year, I still have a wedding picture up of my late husband and I in the house. I don't even have one of my current husband and I up, he has never ever raised it. Moving on as a widow comes with a whole host of new feelings including guilt. It doesn't mean she feels any less for you, but you absolutely cannot ask her to change her picture and it shouldn't enter your head to do so. She is also probably trying to keep a sense of normality for her DC so they don't think she's replaced their father.
Sounds like it's your issue. DH once said to me (and my DF as he was dating a widow) when I asked if it felt second best to be dating a widow that they actually felt honoured that they had been chosen to be the special person in their life now.

It was Paul Newman who said that when asked about why he remained faithful to his wife.

I accept everyone is different but your Mum's take on it was that there is only one 'perfect' partner in life.

In the context of this thread, I don't think that's true for everyone.
Before marrying my H, I had a couple of very serious long term relationships. I know I could have possibly been very happy with those men but the timing was just wrong.

My belief is that relationships need more than just compatibility. They need people to be at the same stage of life and wanting the same things at the same time.

I will just say this, I have never met a man who uses "wanna" and "gonna" in a sentence. And I'm in my 50s and living in the USA. It is like the language of the youthful, yet terminally unemployed...!

It sounds like you’re not in a relationship, just dating? I think it’s too soon to be talking to your family about her and referring to her as your girlfriend? I’ve been dating someone since March and I haven’t told my family about him, he is in my Fb but as far as people are aware he’s just one of my friends. I think you’re thinking way ahead and worrying too much. She has lost her husband, 4 years isn’t a long time ago and she will still be grieving, that doesn’t mean that she isn’t ready to date someone else but it might mean she’s not ready to change her Fb photo just yet.

I also know I’m not moving too fast.

Despite many women here saying you are.

You aren’t moving too fast for you. You may be moving too fast for her. You say you care about her but say you know you aren’t moving too fast. If you care for her, go at her speed.

Is this perhaps the first time you haven’t been chased and you’re actually feeling unsettled by that?

How did you know the answer to this with your ex-wife? Or other relationships before your wife?

How is this any different?

All relationship go through stages. When you dated as your younger self, did you ask yourself these same questions?

Disregard the fact she's a widow and I think your problem would be solved. The relationship will either flourish or fade out.

Don't you see it that way?

Look at it this way- when women (30+) with a bio clock ticking, they often state on their online profiles that they don't want time-wasters, that they want to settle down, that they want a commitment.

Presumably neither of you did that as older daters, but some would.

You could have that conversation now (another poster wrote a very eloquent post saying this) where you set out your hopes and dreams about having a permanent relationship for YOURSELF. Your date may nod and agree and if she doesn't feel the same (about you or in principle) she will let you go once she understands what you want (and if she can't offer it.)

Speaking as a widow of 3 years, you are asking her to erase an image of her late partner as if he didn't exist and maybe she feels intimidated by that. I know that I would in her shoes.

Also I think that maybe you're rushing things a little and she's not really ready to go to the next level yet which makes me think that you both want different things from this relationship. This is a delicate conversation to have between you soon.

As you're finding out, being with someone widowed is completely different compared to someone that has left a marriage, or other long term relationship. In simple terms, you can choose to leave a relationship that's not working out, but not choose the death of your life partner.

Having been divorced previously a long time ago, I can conclude that I feel totally different about dating now compared to when I got divorced to the extent that I would be very cautious about dating now.

I have no idea whether your relationship has legs, but I'm puzzled by your preoccupation with her Facebook photo. You say she mostly communicates by text and phone, so not a regular Facebook user. Neither am I. My Facebook is a photo of a long deceased pet... Don't overthink this - instead focus on the relationship and above all listen to her and go at her pace.

She uses Facebook - but she either has it hidden so I can’t see it or she uses it simply for direct family. There are no posts. I can see for over two years yet. She had an issue with Facebook the other day and her son reloaded it for her. So for all I know I could be played as just another man in her bed and there may be others. She does a lot of things with her girlfriends, and I would have no idea if those are truly women or men. I don’t even wanna come to this - I just wanna know if it’s worth my effort and time to try to date a widow that may have a different timeline than me - or simply move on.

@NewmanintownRob Tbf I've only encountered you on here today and you seem to have a somewhat soft grasp on reality, you give a lot to your own thoughts and those of your friends and family and not do much to this woman.
You seem to have your own take on what people are telling you, almost like you are anticipating being told it, and need a defence. All a little "odd"

. I also know I’m not moving too fast.

That's not necessarily true. You may not be moving too fast for you, but that doesn't mean you're not moving too fast for her. And at this point, if you want to 'keep' her, then you need to slow down.

Ooooh, there it is.

You don't trust her and you want to be able to monitor her via her Facebook.

I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but your use of language, the word "player", referencing how many men she's dated up to now and your suspicions outlined in your last post have a very strong whiff of "manosphere" and red pill.

Good luck with that, I'm out.

You are coming across as way too needy. You've only known her a few weeks and you're already talking about potential marriage.

I think once she gets the measure of you she will be backing off. You're too intense.

OK, now you're getting 'stalkery' and paranoid. And sounding a bit possessive.

She is free to live her life as she chooses. So are you. If you can't accept what she does or says at face value, if you have to wonder if she's telling you the truth, then you aren't ready for an honest and serious relationship.

So you want to stalk her life via social media.

Hmm.

Not good.

Do this poor woman a favour and get back on to Match.com set her free...

Don’t want to stalk her Facebook - I really don’t care. it is just that we could advance by any sign whether it is something as simple as my picture on her phone or her friending me or anything more than a fling for her. Or even her visiting me on my part-time job, which is 15 minutes from her house. Some of the comments here are very disrespectful and not mature.. The Facebook profile photo is just - to me - perhaps assigned that she’s not ready to move on as a widow. That is all.

Ffs it's just Facebook.

It is just Facebook for some people - but for those of us that have family scattered all over the US - and friends scattered over the US - it is a way to keep in touch. I think the biggest thing I’m gathering from this thread is that I simply need to slow down and back off - go at her pace - and let things develop and not come across as needy or desperate or anything else. Maybe I’m just her companion to do stuff with just like her many girlfriends - and it’ll take time to see if it develops any further than that.