Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

[NewmanintownRob]

I have someone I am seeing and she has a picture of her and her deceased husband as her main profile picture on Facebook. I keep in touch with a lot of family and friends through Facebook, but I’m not obsessed by it. However, she has been a widow for four years and I am fully supportive of her sons and family and her deceased husband’s family. However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier - her family and friends know about me and her, most of my family and friends know about me and her. I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level and I’m starting to get worried that she isn’t wanting that. I am giving a time but it does make me a little uncomfortable. AIBU ?

Nothing to stop you sharing pictures of the two of you on your facebook page as a way of sharing with friends and family.

Weird to think her profile pic needs to change after only a few months. Especially if you are first relationship since her husband died. The only way your far away friends will see her profile is if you tag her and they then have a nosey at it which is fine and nornal but she doesnt need to change her profile pic for that. If you dont want your friends seeing the pic dont tag her simply share what you are up to as you nornally would.

But I also wonder sometimes if she simply is dating me, but really doesn’t want to date any man and just live her life the way it is.

I have no idea what you mean by this.

I would never think I’m breaking up with her about it, but I’m just trying to figure out if I should even approach it

No, you shouldn't. Ever.
It's her beloved husband, and he died.
She's going out with you.
Not changing her FB picture has nothing at all to do with the strength (or otherwise) of her feelings.

Don't mention it, and let her do it in her own time. Being with someone who has lost the love of their life tragically needs you accept there are currently 3 of you in this relationship - her, the memories of her husband and you. Your short relationship may turn into something special over the coming years, but it is too soon now, put your ego aside or let her be if you cannot let he deal with this in her own time.

I wouldn't ask her to change the photo - I would ask about it in the context of dating you.

Your way of expressing yourself is extremely unclear, OP. She IS dating you, so would would she 'really not want to date any man'?

Are you trying to say you want to marry her, and you think she's not interested in getting married again, purely because she has a photo of her deceased husband on her FB profile?

To be fair, OP, I'm not sure I'd want to date someone who was superficial enough to be worried my FB profile didn't show me in the right light to satisfy his FB friends.

This is a great post

You say you've been seeing each other 'a few months'. To me 'a few' means more than 2 but less than 5. So if you've been seeing her less than, say, 6 months it's too early to talk about the future and WAY too early to be expecting her to change anything.

If I were to be widowed from my lovely DH I wouldn't change anything nor take down any pictures until and unless I was to make a serious commitment to a new relationship. And by commitment I mean engaged (with a ring), living together, or married.

Once you hit the 6 month mark, ask her what her 'intentions' are instead of letting it all spin round in your head.

"You know <insert name), we've been seeing each other for <insert time frame> and I really like you/being with you. Maybe we should talk about where we see this relationship going".

You've only been dating a few months and you don't even know if she is looking for anything serious.

Snap @AcrossthePond55

This 100%

You have only been with her a few months

It takes a lot to meet someone after a spouse has died

To trust them after having their heart broken

She will still love him

Doesn't mean she can't or won't love you

She has dated 10 men, including one for a couple months since her husband died. So obviously she wants to move on - and she says that I am the next chapter of her life. We have done a lot of things together yet each and every day we enjoy each other’s company. I just need to make sure I am not simply a replacement to fix things for her and date her. - and not be someone more than a dating friend

She is a widow and a young widow at that. If her husband hadn't died, she would still be with him That would have been her first choice. You are her Plan B. I think that you really need to sit with that and see what feelings it brings up. If you want this relationship to "advance", you need get your head around the idea that you're not her first choice and there will always be a little bit of her that wishes she was still with her husband. Unlike after a divorce when it's quite normal to want to remove all traces, her husband's memory will be kept alive for her and her children and you will need to embrace that.

If this was an ex from 4 years ago, who was still very much alive, people would be telling you to run for the hills.

Because it being a living ex would mean that one or both of them decided to end the relationship voluntarily, and that the ex would be out there in the world, possibly in a relationship with someone else.

I just need to make sure I am not simply a replacement to fix things for her and date her. - and not be someone more than a dating friend

And her changing her FB profile picture will achieve that, naturally.

Okay.......................

I have a friend who died 10 years ago this Christmas. His widow has recently remarried, but her Facebook profile is a photo of herself pregnant with her younger daughter alongside her elder daughter and the girls’ dad, her now dead husband.

She still has family, children, and friends for whom her husband was the key pount of contact or part of her social group. I wouldn’t take my dh off my SM if I used it to communicate with our friends and family.

The obvious answers is for you to edit your face on to her dead husband's face and use it as your profile pic then your friends & family can be happy . Sorted . @NewmanintownRob

Maybe she doesn't want to move on. Maybe she just likes company. Maybe she has no intention of entering into another long term relationship. Maybe she's just seeing how it goes. Maybe she is still grieving. Maybe she will never love anyone else the way she loved her husband.

These are things you can discuss when the time is right and it seems natural. Her facebook photo is really immature thing to focus on.

I wouldn't raise this at all if you've only been dating a few months. I understand you're saying it feeds into wider concerns of whether she's emotionally ready for a new relationship but at this early stage you'll come across as needy and insecure.

If things keep progressing well, then maybe at the 1 year mark you could bring it up in a tactful way.

For goodness sake, man, you don't even know the woman.

Excellent plan. Maybe he could also photoshop in a tshirt with the slogan MY WOMAN NOW.

You need to find a way of establishing how serious she is about you and your relationship, if she sees you as being part of her future and of course, her commitment.

All this should happen very gradually, especially and sady due to her loss. However, I suggest you tread carefully uand use upmost sensitivity.

I am not in my 20s - we are both late 50s and not too far away from retirement. We get along great and I don’t want to ruin that - yet I want something more and maybe I would never get it from her. That is the dilemma of dating a widow. Many simply stop dating and get on with their lives - yet she has dated 10 men so obviously I think what we have is more than just a few casual dates. And she said she wants to continue to. I’m not gonna pressure her. Again, one of the dilemmas of dating a widow.

You’ve known her a few months! Back off her Facebook profile and just to know her yourself.

OP, it seems to me your real concern is that you want a serious relationship and think that maybe she doesn't. This is what you should be asking about. You don't even need to mention her previous marriage when you ask this.