Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

[NewmanintownRob]

I have someone I am seeing and she has a picture of her and her deceased husband as her main profile picture on Facebook. I keep in touch with a lot of family and friends through Facebook, but I’m not obsessed by it. However, she has been a widow for four years and I am fully supportive of her sons and family and her deceased husband’s family. However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier - her family and friends know about me and her, most of my family and friends know about me and her. I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level and I’m starting to get worried that she isn’t wanting that. I am giving a time but it does make me a little uncomfortable. AIBU ?

Welcome to the belfry 😆

Just woken up from a nap to find the thread has taken a somewhat a - moo - sing turn.

Shall prepare some popcorn for breakfast.

My sister still uses her high school graduation picture on Facebook….from 1977. It doesn’t matter.

I'm sorry but time and time again you come over as being insensitive and not showing much emotional intelligence. I'm sorry to say that you sound like someone with very little experience of relationships at all.

It's only very recently that you have mentioned paying maintenance for your child(ren).

So in all of these posts you've only once mentioned that you have a family and children under 18. That's something for any woman to take on too - widow or not- but you don't talk about your ex or your family at all.

A friend of my Mum's married a widow (she was a widower when they were in their 50.)

He had the larger house and she moved into it. I'm pretty sure that photos of his wife were in the house . She accepted that. It didn't mean they weren't a couple, but why should his past be cancelled?

She'd known his wife too and I'm sure she wasn't too worried about the photos or even all the things in the house they'd had before she moved in.

I just need to learn to get past this one thing of her being a widow and living in same house and with things everywhere - absolutely everywhere even after 4.5 years and with other men she has dated, some longer duration than me - reminding her and me of her unalived husband.

Is 'unalived' a word? Why not try 'dead'?

You aren't ready for this relationship.

I suggest you end it, move on and get your head sorted out.

You may have 'chemistry' (ie great sex and more I assume) but you're behaving as if you know nothing about emotions.

Your fixation with 'advertising' your relationship on social media is ridiculous. It's not what people in their 50s do.

Maybe she's unsure about you @NewmanintownRob ?

You're divorced. Your marriage failed.

You have a family (although they don't seem to figure much in your posts, other than when you mention your maintenance payments will stop soonish.)

You too have past. And, unlike a dead husband, your children will be part of your life.

Are you not realising this?

Well, good morning to all the sad and bitter old trollbats on this thread. It appears someone hit the Christmas liqueurs early, last night and no mistake!

Question for your @NewmanintownRob : which side of the pond are you on. You talk about family across America and also your apartment, your love interest's girlfriends, unalive husband's ATV plus with your general spelling (and general attitude) - are you UK or US?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 X a million!

I agree. 'Unalive' really pisses me right off. It sounds ridiculous! 😂

It is a word, but "unalived" is not.

Sad and bitter old trollbat WIDOW reporting for duty - and what I wouldn't give for a fine bottle of absinthe right now 😆

The problem with Mr "I'm dating a widow and it's so haaaard" is that his original question was asked and answered reasonably politely in the first few posts by several people including widows who I think have the last word on how a widow might be feeling, but he just couldn't let it lie, and introduced a fair amount of dubious speculation about his paramour's general character.

So he's painted a bit of a target on his own back, and must therefore be prepared for the comeback.

I actually think the calibre of humour on this thread is top notch and shows a certain resilience that widows have to learn pretty sharpish as it can be yet another phase of womanhood where one can't do right for doing wrong.

It's a paradox by which we must "move on" and manage our grief to other people's standards with just the right balance of "Miss Haversham", Queen Victoria and Lady Bountiful, while navigating thigh rubbing knights in shining armour. Woe betide those of us who flounder and feel as if it would be more convenient if we just flung ourselves into the grave / onto the pyre and saved the world from the awkwardness of it all.

But chin chin - raising my morning tea to the other vipers on the thread who ain't taking it lying down because we're still human after all 😘

@MistressoftheDarkSide 🤗 😘😍

Anyone watched Kaos on Netflix? There’s scene right at the end where Hera strides out on a dusty road with her tacitas encircled around her. @MistressoftheDarkSide is Hera, I (as a not-widow) am a tacita in this drama.

In Kaos their costumes were designed with images to signify their personalities and particular gifts. My robe is adorned with bitter old bats and it’s fabulous.

Ooh, hadn't watched it but have just put it on - it's exactly the sort of thing my late DP would have adored x

Thank you kindly for the recommendation and your too kind comparison 🥰

You have brightened my day - and your robe sounds fabulous 😍

Thank you 😘

This is a post of beauty and magnificence @MistressoftheDarkSide

It's all about the Hagitude x

Why thank you 😊

An accord has been reached, and gratitude is extended to all who can empathise while not active members of the shitty club xxx

Bizarrely this thread has been quite the tonic - am ready to seize the day in a somewhat bittersweet afterglow. I have a litter tray to tend to, but even that will smell sweeter for the camaraderie here.

May the Universe treat you all kindly 🥰😘

............but he just couldn't let it lie, and introduced a fair amount of dubious speculation about his paramour's general character

Don't use long words like "paramour". The OP will get all mixed up.
😂

............am ready to seize the day in a somewhat bittersweet afterglow

Misread that as "ready to seize the day in a somewhat bittersweet bungalow"

Which would be an unlikely juxtaposition of "bittersweet" and "bungalow".

After all, 'twas I who complained that the word "unalived" does not exist, and pointed out to the OP that he could not describe himself as a "mistress", being the proud owner of a penis, y'know.

It can be challenging being a spelling and grammar pedant.

😂

@MurdoMunro

I had to google 'tacita'. It says they took a vow of silence and had their tongues cut out. Good thing it wouldn't stop one from typing, eh? 😉🤣

It’s a consideration I took into account when I considered the image Pondie, very glad that you came to the same conclusion as me!

https://www.abelkeogh.com/blog/category/10-uncomfortable-truths-about-dating-a-widower

I cannot change her - I fully agree. But unless she is ready even after over four years, It will never give me the happiness that I think I deserve. Ghosts Always win . Beat up me all you want - but some widows might be better off, simply should never date or settle and being content in their life. Ghosts always win - just like in this article.

Our OP is expressing dissatisfaction with their relationship with The Widow but warns us with 10 truths about dating widowers. Was burned in the past due to their position as a mistress. Is heavily influenced by TikTok for their choice of appropriate discourse, assumes things fashionable there represent the rest of the internet, even analogue life.

Is a unsaid conversation about gender fluidity something The Widow is keeping her distance from?

OMG she isn't a widower.

Any more than you're a mistress.

Don't you understand how words relate to the different sexes? (Clue - you don't)

A human being is a human being - stop being so toxic. Say what you will about my weirdness - but many widows are better off simply not dating. Especially not dating someone that’s seeking a more traditional relationship that doesn’t have the feel like a ghost (or another living person) is everywhere. so yes, it is unreasonable for me to ask and I am better off either accepting it or moving on. It was an educational process.

That still doesn't make her a widower.

A widower is a man whose wife has died.

A mistress is a woman who someone sees on the side, alongside another relationship.

And keep your lazy ‘stop being so toxic’ nonsense to TikTok. Use your words, address what is being said, engage with the conversation you started.

You can accuse me of taking the piss, I’ll take that. But when you aren’t acknowledging the effort that many women have freely given in this thread with great consideration, to provide you with alternative perspectives and the wisdom of their own learned life lessons - well, I’m going to come back at you with similar levels of respect.