Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

[NewmanintownRob]

I have someone I am seeing and she has a picture of her and her deceased husband as her main profile picture on Facebook. I keep in touch with a lot of family and friends through Facebook, but I’m not obsessed by it. However, she has been a widow for four years and I am fully supportive of her sons and family and her deceased husband’s family. However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier - her family and friends know about me and her, most of my family and friends know about me and her. I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level and I’m starting to get worried that she isn’t wanting that. I am giving a time but it does make me a little uncomfortable. AIBU ?

What, exactly, is your relationship with/to the woman in question? Are you boyfriend and girlfriend? Dating? How long have you been seeing her?

What do you mean by 'trying to friend her on Facebook'? If you're already dating, why is it so crucial that you friend her and what on earth has your own family got to do with any of this? It's irrelevant what your family thinks about any of this.

Yes, YABU.

It's absolutely nothing to do with you tbh, if it bothers you that much that a widow would obviously miss her husband then date someone that isn't a widow.

I think you need to stay in your lane.
Accept him as part of her. It's not a case of out with the old cause here comes the new.

If this bothers you, I would suggest dating a widow is probably not for you.

What the hell.

If you're already going out with her, you don't need to try to "Friend" her on FB.

And you absolutely can't ask her to change her profile picture.

What's that got to do with your family, anyway? Do they all live their lives on FB?

I'm married to a widower and disagree with most of these responses. Of course you shouldn't demand she takes the picture down but it's definitely worth a conversation. I think if you want to know if she's ready for a serious relationship you need to be able to ask, and talk about how you are feeling. If she's not ready for more with you she's not ready, and that's fine and you can move on or keep things light. Of course she will always love her husband, but your feelings count too.

Its really important to remember that a spouse that has died is not an ex. The beloved spouse of a widow/er would still be their partner if they were still alive and the only reason they are in a relationship with you is because death intervened. That's not to say you will not be loved by them, but you will always have to live with the fact their deceased spouse is still loved too. That's not for the faint hearted, the jealous or the possessive. So think very carefully if this is for you.

Having re-read the OP and allowed the irrational (because grief is often irrational) red mist to dissipate, it seems what you are actually looking for is reassurance that your relationship is meaningful.

If you judge that by Facebook and physical things like having photographs around, then I think you need to re-evaluate how you determine relationships in general to be honest. Facebook is not real life.

If you want to progress the relationship try talking to her about her feelings without making her feel steam rollered to validate you.

Widowhood is a big complicated deal and people trying to mark territory is something I've experienced, just among friends, never mind relationship situations. It's really weird and dehumanising to be frank.

But you're married to a widower. The OP has said nothing about how long this relationship has been, or how serious it is. We don't know if they're three dates in or three years.

Are you in an official relationship with her? If its casual then this shouldn't bother you at this point.

If it is a proper relationship then you can't ask her to change it but you could talk to her about how it makes you feel. She may not realise how thus could upset you. I would explain that you do not want to erase her husband or cause any upset

You seem very insecure - the poor man is DEAD - get it? So no real competition? You can't make her forget the deceased.

No. You can't ask that. Especially if it's of someone who's passed on. If it was an ex still living and breathing, I guess I would gently question why you were still using it?
But seriously, what difference does it make if she puts a picture of Kim Jong Un, big bird from sesame street, Kim Kardashian's butt? You know who she is and you have a real life relationship. They're just pictures on an outdated social media platform.
You say you're 'not obsessed' with Facebook. But I've yet to hear someone volunteer those words unprompted unless they were true.

The tone of this is so weird. What do you mean it’s a challenge to ‘get’ her to know more about your family? Is she disinterested, or simply not ready, or does she not view this relationship in the same way as you do? You don’t mention how long you’ve been dating which is highly relevant.

If you’re feeling insecure or unsure where you stand with her, you’re perfectly entitled to ask, but to suggest it’s her FB profile pic that’s somehow hindering the progress of your relationship is a hell of a stretch, especially if aIl your family and friends know she’s a widow.

My widowed dad has been in a new relationship for over 3 years. His house is still absolutely filled with pictures of my mum, his phone lock screen is her and she’s all over his social media. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his current partner, but you don’t suddenly erase the person you’ve been married to for decades - and if he did, he’d very quickly find himself erased from the lives of his children and grandchildren, because to pretend our mum never existed would be unforgivable.

If your ego can’t handle sharing someone’s heart, don’t date a bereaved person.

Changing her Facebook profile to show herself as a single person may be a big deal for your girlfriend. It is not something you should ask her to do unless she's committed to a serious relationship with you, and it doesn't sound as if she is yet.
Maybe the real concern is that you're not sure whether she wants the relationship to move forward in the way you do? Trying to hurry her along may scare her off; you might need to carry on getting to know her and be very patient for quite a while.

None of your business. Massive over-step if you were to say it. What’s next? Her hair needs to be longer, her jeans are the wrong style?!

If she’s not ready to move on I would just call it a day tbh. You can’t force her to move on if she’s not ready to.

Rob, Mate, its up to her what picture she has on her FB profile or anywhere else.

Some people don't change their FB photos ever, FB is not important to them.
I can think of at least 2 friends been on FB since the start and still have the same profile photo.

Your post comes over as a bit weird, op, at least to me. Maybe others understand your pov better.

I see nothing wrong with her having a photo of herself and her husband on her fb profile, she is not the only one to do it. I know someone who has her wedding photo there which was taken donkey's years ago and she's been widowed for several years. I've never given it a thought.

I also don't expect friends to have photographs of me, never mind my family! Why does it matter?

Please try and put this out of your mind and certainly do not suggest she changes her profile picture.

YABU. Two of my friends became widows very young, in their 20s, and a decade or so on they still have never changed profile pic or relationship status.

I can understand that, Erick. If they still post, it does give them a bit of protection from scammers who target widows and widowers. On the other hand, they may not bother with fb any more and don't think of it.

If you can't cope with your jealousy over her deceased husband, then dating a widow is not for you.

OP you have given me the ick. 🤢

No you can’t do this. It’s not for you to police how she presents herself and certainly not to intrude on the memories of her dead husband.

For context as to how it should be: an old friend of mine lost his wife to cancer about 7 years ago. He still pays respect to her by posting on the anniversary of her birthday and his new wife of two years shares the posts and honours the memory of the deceased wife (whom she never met). That’s how it should be.

Dont force yourself onto a life that existed before you. Showing respect for this will get you a lot further.

I'd say that if a profile picture bothers you, then you're probably not the right person to date a widow.

You're never going to replace her husband, you'll be someone else she loves, alongside him