To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

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Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

That was longer than expected. Sorry but the events today have been a sort of light bulb moment and I feel so guilty for even feeling like this.

Step back completely for now. Ring adult social services and say you are concerned about them as they’re vulnerable and aren’t coping. You have a young baby are are unable to offer care so you feel they need an assessment of their needs.

It doesn't sound remotely normal to me! I mean, if they were grateful, and reimbursed you, maybe, but they're not! You would be being completely reasonable to tell them this isn't working and you can no longer do this

Oh bloody hell, OP, this ends today. Get them a social services assessment and leave them to it. You owe them nothing. Concentrate on your life and your beautiful baby xx

If they're incontinent, it's way beyond you if you're looking after a little baby alone. Just because they brought you up doesn't mean you have to do the same for them, considering they sound so unreasonable.
I think you should contact social services, explain the situation and say you and they can no longer manage.
Don't feel guilty- your duty is to your baby and yourself. You can't look after a young baby if you're being run ragged.
I hope you get some relief.

It sounds like your grand mother needs some sort of cognitive functioning test - because of course no one who is fully functioning mentally would expect you to buy their food.

They probably qualify for something called Attendance Allowance which can pay for things like cleaning. It's a pain to fill out the very long application form, but worth the effort in your/their circumstances I should think.

Just echoing PP. Inform them they have greater needs than you’re able to help with so you’ve getting them some professional help and you’ll pop around for lunch once a week.

Tell them you’ll come over next Mondays, and you’ll bring (a suitable cold lunch) and wish them a good week. Contact social services and raise concerns. You could also look at getting them a cleaner who can come in once a week (maybe Monday morning) so the house is nice when you pop in for lunch.

But step back, concentrate on yourself, your only responsibility is informing social services that they’re not coping and need urgent assessments and assistance

This is an awful situation for you, looking after a 4 month old baby is a full time job in itself.Your Grandparents don't sound very nice, but I understand your (misplaced) guilt. You will burn yourself out if you carry on with this this and you need to put your baby, and then yourself first. You could call social services and explain that your grandparents need an assessment for their needs asap. Social care is not in a good place right now but you can't carry this burden alone.

Of course it's not normal. I'm sorry they're putting this level of pressure on you, you sound like an absolute star to be caring for your own baby as well as running around after them all the time.

I wonder if this behaviour is why your mum behaved the way she did - you were too young to see it before, or they were able to hide it from you if you were also in LA care and had sporadic contact with them.

You don't have to be their carer. Thats the long and short of it. You can ask Social Services to do an adult care assessment to see what help they may need, if one or both of them is incontinent, unable to shop, etc. You can absolutely stop paying for their shopping- put your foot down here, my love. Tell them they need to give you their debit card or the cash upfront. I am shocked that they would think it fine to ponce off their own granddaughter who is a lone parent...but that speaks volumes about the sort of people they are.

You sound like a lovely, resourceful, resilient person, and I would be proud if you were my DD. But don't let them (or anyone, for that matter) take advantage of your kind nature.

A four month baby is a full time job in itself OP! You've done more than enough up to now, and now it's time to start taking care of yourself.

As others have said, contact social services. Do NOT allow SS to talk you into doing some of the work, just push back if they try, and state that it's not possible any more, that your DGPs needs have increased and you are no longer in a position to help.

Besides, presumably you will be returning to work in the coming months, in which case it would be impossible for you to do their cleaning/ shopping etc.

Is it possible that one of the DGP is in the early stages of dementia? Just in relation to the poo situation and the mismanaging of money. In which case you really don't want to be in charge of their care. Believe me, I know. It's thankless, time consuming, expensive and can last for years. If you had other family who could share the load that'd be something, but all by yourself? No.

Good luck OP.

No this doesn't seem normal or expected.
I do some of these things for my granny but not because she asks. She still does a clean every Friday. Unfortunately, she doesn't see very well so the quality of the clean is not as good as she thinks. I do give her bathroom and kitchen an inconspicuous once over. She would be mortified if she knew.
I get her food when I visit. Again, she would never ask. If I go shopping for her, she will always give me money and sometimes I don't want this. So I will bring things like treats and fruit "for us to share". She still gives me ice-cream money when I visit, bless her.
She would honestly rather die than ask me to sort out anything that has to do with her stoma bag or toileting in general.
Some of the things like sorting out the flat and monitoring their debts is not something you should feel obligated to do. I assume they don't ask you to. Other things they "demand" is probably best referred to social services. You can complete a self-referral form on your LA website.

I reported them to Adult Social Services in June because I was running around heavily pregnant doing their shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc aswell as working and trying to get my own home ready for my baby's birth. I didn't know how I was going to cope much longer on my own with a dependant baby in the mix. I went into great detail about the situation and my own responsibilities. My grandad was supportive of the help but my grandmother went ballistic and when the worker called for an initial conversation/assessment she called us both Liars and refused any help. So without her consent social services said they couldn't help any further and left their details for when she reconsiders. They won't listen to me, my GD or anyone without my grandmothers agreement or cooperation. As she's deemed to have capacity.

She also won't part with money at all, for food or even bills so if I was to look into sourcing independent help like a cleaner then I'd likely have to finance it myself. I'm already having to use savings because its impossible to run 2 households off my maternity pay. I feel trapped.

This has to stop, now. Contact SS again, tell that you will no longer be assisting, as of next week. You’ll have to be really firm because they’ll try to guilt you but just repeat, repeat, repeat.

I would then do one last clean and shop and tell them you will no longer be visiting. Give them SS number and leave.

Citizens' Advice are very good at helping people to fill out this form.

What an absolute nightmare, and how much are they taking the piss! You can't run two households - it's not fair on you or your baby. If it's easier to think of it from your baby's point of view, you need to step back now and prioritize your baby. If you step back, your grandparents will have to rethink things and maybe your GF will make your GM accept help. He won't do that while you are still helping them, so you do really need to step back

Stop this today, tell your grand parents that you have noravirus/something, you can’t see them for 5 days, then drag it out for as long as you want, then only see them when you want. Offer to get groceries delivered? Using their payment card. If they ask for cleaning then tell them to get a cleaner.

you won’t ever have this time with your baby again

As a PP said, perhaps your grandmother has some cognitive decline/dementia. Has she always been this unreasonable and paranoid or is it a more recent thing?

In that case, the only thing you can do is to withdraw care and report your GD as a vulnerable adult. He may be able to get support independently of his wife. It does happen sometimes if there are grounds for safeguarding.

@Catza my Grandad asked me to confirm utility bills are being paid because he found bailiff and court summons letters that my grandmother had hidden. She lied and told us she had sorted a payment plan but when they came to remove assets (that they don't have) a couple of weeks later it became clear that she wasn't being truthful. My granddad had to track down and beg one of his relatives for money to help stop them taking their possessions. Yet she's still lying about paying these bills and payment plans when we ask her so i have no choice but to call up and get it verified before it gets too late again.

Walk away and stay away, this is not your job to do.
Block them in your phone.

YOu need to set them down and have a discussion - decide what you can cope with and TELL them what you will be doing going forward and what is and isn't acceptable

Only you know what they are capable of, if they can do washing - get them some prewash spray or tell them if there is heavy soiling they need to prewash and show them how, write it down and stick it to the machine.

If you can do shopping say you will BUT it has to be paid for as money doesn't grow on trees and you are on maternity leave and not on a full wage at the moment

Re Bills - I would maybe talk to them about POA and see if they will sign a financial one that allows you to do things on their behalf - IF YOU WANT TO

Its probably a good time to have the discussions.

With the cleaning and clear out - I would do a good clear out for them and you might have to do this every 6 months or so - but I would also be reducing the other stuff around - so maybe books or nick-nacks - disappear them into a box in the garage for a bit then maybe ask if they want them before donating etc.

It is alot but the more you do now sorts them for when you are back at work.

I would try to set them up with a cleaner - maybe ones that only works when you are there (that they pay for) so assure them in the first instance.

I would also get them some incontinence pads after the washing incident. its very unfair to ask you to clean the shit up after 2 adults compared to a baby

Stop this TODAY.

send a message to them saying you CANNOT take care of them anymore. * *

Prioritise your child and your own health (including your own mental health) and resources.

Phone adult SS and tell them you CANNOT take care of them anymore. Do not enter into any discussion.

You must prioritise your baby’s welfare now, and stop letting these people bleed you dry.

Big girl pants on and woman up!
for your baby’s sake and your own.

I agree with the others who have posted. You need to tell your Grandfather first that you are no longer able to help them and then you must tell your Grandmother. Present it as a done deal.
Then contact Adult Social Services and say that you're no longer able to help here and they must take over. You raised this back in June but now you are being firm.

I'd mute the numbers and texts etc. that may come from the grandparents or have the same message ready to go back to them every single time "Hi Grandparents - I'm sorry but I'm unable to help you any more. I've contacted SS on your behalf and advised them that I'm stepping back. They will be in touch with you going forwards as I cannot help you any more." (or something along those lines). Send them the same message every single time.

This, OP.

"So without her consent social services said they couldn't help any further and left their details for when she reconsiders. They won't listen to me, my GD or anyone without my grandmothers agreement or cooperation. As she's deemed to have capacity."

OP sounds like your DGM doesn't have capacity; I went through the same thing with my father and eventually rang his GP who of course refused to discuss my DFs situation with me (data protection). I said that I wanted it put on record that our family all felt that DF had dementia (poor personal hygiene, constant falls, confusion around money, aggressive, not always making sense). So the next time dad was at the GP he organised a cognitive test and diagnosed vascular dementia. Once he had that diagnosis we were able to put supports in place.

That was 20 years ago so not sure how things are now. But I had to keep pushing the fact that my DF was very aggressive, my DM was elderly and frail, and that my siblings and I had our own families and jobs and were not in a position to help.