To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

OP I think you need to take a massive step back maybe even go no contact for a while. I'm so sorry this huge responsibility has fallen to you. Concentrate on enjoying your little baby and please don't help them financially. You're not their carer. Your baby is this age for such a short time please enjoy your mat leave and walk away from your GP for a while at least. Good luck stay strong

Dementia assessment pronto.

My own DGM went that way. Calling police at 4am saying DGF was stealing from her, gifting people food and drink insisting they had loads, would go to waste, then calling relatives about having no food and no money to buy more with because all being stolen. Then cycle would repeat. Insist she was paying stuff, eating certain things, putting washer on when wasn't.

OP, I had a similar situation with my late dad. I had to walk away completely and let social services deal with it. SS will push it back into you if they can, so be prepared to say no. They can’t make you take responsibility. It won’t get any better. You need to put yourself and your baby first before it drains you to illness.

Withdraw your support.

You have your baby to think about.

GM obviously needs to accept that external help is necessary and she won't while you're their safety net.

I just wanted to come back on here and say that we can make all of the suggestions under the sun to you @LookSharpFixUp, but only you can decide to implement them or not.
No one, I really truly believe that not one single person likes the thought of leaving an elderly relative to have to fend for themselves and we would tend to move the sun and the stars to look out and look after our grandparents.
However, saying that, those sorts of grandparents don't tend to be ones that shout abuse at their grandchildren, or threaten calling the police on them for a welfare check or whatever.
I think your grandmother needs medical help at this stage (I'm guessing vascular dementia) and that isn't something that you can provide for her.
Your grandfather is enabling his wife to carry on and it is to his detriment that he is doing that.
All the while there is a baby, not getting the level of attention that they should be at this point and a mother who is on maternity leave running around after their elderly relations. You can't look after your baby if you're exhausted by looking after your grandparents.

Please do come back on here and let us know how you get on and what you decide to do because you have to look after No.1 before you can look after anyone else.

@LookItsMeAgain it is very common for relatives with early dementia to behave this way.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

I think you owe it to them to visit occasionally, and do a bit of light shopping once a week (that they pay for), offer to do the washing up now and then, definitely if one of the cups is yours, but that's it. You're their granddaughter and the mother of their DGGC. You're not a slave.

If they don't claim Attendance Allowance then look into this it would be enough to pay for some linited help or food deliveries. You have my sympathy I have elderly relatives who refuse help and claim they are coping but it is only because other family members are helping them (to their own detriment). I don't know what the answer is it's very frustrating.

Its so difficult but caring for the elderly is completely different to caring for a baby. You can't continue you like this for your child's sake. Withdraw support letting social services know that you are worn out from it and for your own mental health you are no longer running around for them. If they push back direct them to your mother and any other siblings she may have.

OP, apologies if this has been recommended already, but there's an excellent Elderly Parents board on Mumsnet where you'll find loads of support, advice and solidarity.

How have you been doing all that along with caring for a tiny child?

As a carer myself I take my hat off to you. You are incredible, but this can't go on. The GPs need help from social services. And you need a break.

Best wishes to all of you - I hope it all works out.

I really feel for you OP. It does sound like classic dementia behaviour by your GM, whilst your GD sounds a bit more cooperative but totally out of his depth in terms of coping with your GM and his own needs.
If possible, I would try and have a lucid conversation with your GD, explaining that their care is now getting beyond what you can provide, particularly as you have a very young child of your own totally dependent upon you. He may, or may not be able to take some of this onboard, but ultimately it needs pointing out to him that both he and your GM are at risk in terms of things like falls, food poisoning, hygiene requirements etc…. If you can, you need at the very least to get their bills set up on Direct Debits, perhaps set up a routine weekly shop delivery with their basics. It sounds very much as though your GM is not going to cooperate with anything much, so let your GD know you are trying for them, but if she won’t help, it will have to be Social Services. Log each time you contact SS, write to their GP outlining your concerns about any issues, keeping a copy, and then just keep writing until action is taken. Age Concern might be good for advice and help as well. Once you have done all this, all you can do really is step back and look after yourself and your child. With luck, your GD might just maintain a good contact, so you get some reassurance that they are ok, but if your GM has dementia, don’t expect rational decisions to be forthcoming. You may or may not choose to maintain contact, they may or may not choose to maintain contact, together or individually. But this is all you can do really. They both sound past the stage of making out a Power of Attorney, so there is going to be little you can do on their behalf. Simple things that help are putting an outside post box up, with a lock, so that Mail doesn’t go missing (give GD the key, spare still with you. You might want to lock the cupboard with any boiler controls in (classic meddle zone for dementia sufferers) Beyond that, hassle Social Services, and go higher to Chief Exec of your LA if you keep getting fobbed off, write and keep copies to their GP.
It is so so hard, but look after yourself, try the best you can to cover their safety and needs at arms length, but if you have to, prioritise yourself and your little one. Wishing you good luck, and all the best.

Stop this now. You owe her nothing when she is being so awful to you. It wasn't your fault your mother couldn't look after you and she had to step in. If your Grandfather gets fed up her give him what help you can away from the house but not financial. Let her report you to social services, they will see you and the baby are fine and of no concern. Tell adult social services you are stepping away and why.

On the most basic and practical level it is absolutely not the same taking care of the poop of a 4 month old baby and the poop of two elderly people. It amazes me that people constantly equate child and elderly care. The two are not the same thing at all. Please contact social services, stand firm, they're excellent at avoiding and pushing back on relatives. Good luck to you.

Thank you for everyone whos responded so far, i really hadnt expected this level of advice, so i really appreciate it. I've had a chance to calm down and take on board what everyone is saying. I wasnt just venting, i was trying to get as much information out as i possibly could.

I sat my DGP down this afternoon and calmly but bluntly said that I withdraw any responsibility for their care or life management moving forward, and managing their demands is preventing me being the mother that I want to be for my child and I can't let that carry on. I explained the referral ill be making to ASC and the GP, if they don't accept this time then I no longer can have contact with them.

GM got aggressive saying she didn't know what I was raging at and how crazy i am, that I do nothing for her, she doesn't need any help and does everything herself. She said I was making things up, acting erratically and clearly couldn't look after a child in this state. So she stood in front of me and rang the police stating I was unstable and was planning on going home to harm my baby.

Police now won't let me leave their house until a social worker and the MH team has been to see me. :(

That's awful. I'm so sorry. I am sure that when the police arrive they will be able to see the reality of the situation.

Are the police actually there? You are not under arrest, they cannot stop you leaving, and it will be very clear to anyone that this is not true.

I'd leave, but if record on my phone your grandmother's reaction

Do you know why your mother couldnt care for you? I wonder if this behaviour is what led to your mum not being allowed to care for you.

But, as hard as this is, she may have done you a favour. By acting so crazily she has shown just how unhinged she is.

Stay calm. It is absolutely OK. Remember that police and MH/SS worker are there to protect you. If you stay calm, they will very quickly see what's going on. Don't get emotional and try to defend yourself. I cannot stress enough that you must remain calm and factual.
Hopefully, it will be a start of getting you and your grandfather some much needed support.

You are amazing, this sounds so hard. Caring is really difficult. As we age we often become difficult, I'm sure your GM doesnt realise what effect she is having on you - and the injury she is causing, and would not mean to if she could see it. (Caring for elderly parents and sick loved ones is so hard, and when we do it it's important that we care for each other/someone has care of you too. )We all make choices for ourselves and sometimes we make poor choices/decisions, but freedom of choice is fundamental, and its really painful watching those that we love make poor choices that affect their care because of cost/belief someone else should be doing it, it only takes 5 minutes, etc. I would try and get support and advice from other carers. Ask if there are young/carer support groups (for you, reach out for and really start talking to older mid-life colleagues as a source of information/support who may be caring for their elderly parents). Also see if your grandfather can make a statement to social services here (along with you) and in effect show/evidence incapacity or lack of coping. Explain to him the burden will get heavier as they both age and that you will need as much help as possible to support them. Those that have not cared for often don't realise the effect or time caring takes - if you logged your hours it would be more than a full time job. Modern life is full time working mothers. Also try and get them both - or at least your grandfather to give you something called an enduring power of attorney for finance and health (and file it now - don't wait and save the fee, otherwise another assessment needs to be made). This means that you have/eventually have control over their financial and medical decisions. It requires absolute trust and understanding - and it means as they loose capacity, that you make decisions that you believe they would make for themselves. ie you empower them (not that you are able to decide 'for' them). It allows you to pay their bills (with their money) and make medical choices. There is also a carers allowance £ (that you should look to see if you qualify for). Speak to your GP about yourself (and them). Find as much support for yourself as you can. Sending you love and strength.

Police now won't let me leave their house until a social worker and the MH team has been to see me. :(

Are the police there now? It's not clear from your post. If not, you can leave, ring 101 as soon as you go (you might be on hold for a while so don't stay there for the sake of it), and explain that the domestic situation was escalating with your elderly grandmother and so you have removed yourself from the situation but have gone home to <your address>. Say SS etc can follow up as they have your address and phone number, but you weren't prepared to stay at your GPs home and potentially the situation get worse.

Ultimately this is goid. Your GM has escalated in such a way that cutting her off will be completely understandable.

Once you're safely home OP (and this thread is great evidence about what's happening if you need it) your GM's actions give you everything you need to stop returning. She's now a danger to your child by making false allegations about your mental health.
Time to step away.

OP the police would be remiss in not acting if someone makes such a claim, but I'm very sure that once they've understood the reality of the situation they'll totally understand what is going on.

That has escalated quickly OP. I hope the professionals understand the situation quickly. Your gran has though just made it very much easier for you to go non contact - you can't carry on engaing with her after this.

I only wanted to draw your attention to your own way of thinking.

"I clean their house because it is disgusting" - let it be disgusting?

"I empty their cupboards because of out if date and mouldy food. " Let them have out of date and mouldy food I their cupboards?

"If Gran won't pay for help I will have to pay"
No if Gran won't pay for help she won't get help.

You are asking social services for help and when they look around they see a reasonably maintained home, (non mouldy) food in the cupboards, a support system so they say "all is well" and go on their way.

They won't get support that they don't want while you are propping them up. You need to leave them to struggle or fail before they will be offered or accept help.

If you do keep speaking to them just remind them of the numbers they need to call if they want help.