To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

They've had their lives, they do not get to have your life, too.

It sounds like they have already had a significant part of OPs life if she feels this responsible and enmeshed. This is not normal @LookSharpFixUp

But now they are stealing your babies precious early years emotional development and fundamenal bond with its mother - because no one can balance this. Your DC will miss out on key foundational support if you give your time, energy and headspace to these two. Get support for yourself to build your self esteem so that you know who you should be prioritising and make active choices rather than be compelled or coerced to help others who shout the loudest. Good luck. You have taken an important step by starting this thread - you know thay are wrong.

You have to let them fail. Tough love. Tell social services you are stepping back as it is no longer sustainable (your baby needs you able, fit, and solvent).

Time for your ‘no’ to mean ‘no’. Enough. Don’t do anything further for them. Advise social services again and tell them you are stepping away for your own mental, physical and emotional health, for your financial health, and for the wellbeing of your child. And stick to it. So what if they report you to the police, or tell SS you are lying.

Stand your ground.

You feel guilty? Remind yourself that this not your guilt to bear. You have not done anything wrong. In fact, you’ve gone above and beyond.

Time to stop and put you and your child first.

I agree that you have to step away, but it’s easier said than done especially if you know how bad it could get before help is accepted.

@LookSharpFixUp get yourself over to the elderly parents board where the dilemma of how to get elderly relatives to accept help is a regular talking point. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents

Whilst I agree with everyone else OP in that this has to stop for you and your little one, I know the heartache this will bring you. My suggestion would be as it is so much for you to process, could you not lie a little for now? Tell them you have booked a holiday and will be away for 2 weeks as a last thing before you return to work..could that be an option?. This might in a very sneaky way buy you some time, give you some breathing space to decide whats to be done in the best interests of everyone, but mainly you and your baby. You have had such a lot on your plate it is way too much for anyone to handle. This is not your doing or your fault and I would suggest that the issues here you told us about are way above you to sort , thats the job of SS who can deal with so many complex issues that surround your GPs. Stay strong lovely, and be kind to yourself. I wish you well x The very best care you can give your GPs and yourself is to step back and let the relevant authorities deal with this, in all honesty.

It’s completely insane that anyone would expect you to be a carer for two vulnerable elderly people, as well as a mother to a four month old baby.

You mention being raised by them and LA care, now it is your turn to ask for LA care when you need it most too x

Also - after two weeks the case to SS will be that much stronger that they have to intervene.

Do you know what gp your gran is with? I had problems with a relative and flagged it to the gp as their behaviour was unbearable. I asked them not to mention me. They said the next time they came in the go would decide based on their behaviour at the appointment and if it was in line with needing additional support. It was and the support was offered.

try and speak to them, her behaviour might be symptomatic of someone else and it might help to trigger additional LA support. I would also flag to social servicws what has happened when you have gone nc and her threat to report you to ss. I am truly sorry op

That sounds absolutely horrific.
They are abusing you.

Your priority is your baby.
Get ahead of this and report this to 101 and adult services, and SS.
Tell them you will no longer be in any way involved as their abuse is too much and you need to care for your baby.
Follow up with an email tobeach so you have proof.

This is too much and not your responsibility.

Op can you move away and not tell them where you are? Go no contact. GM would need to go into care then. GM needs assessing by GP I would think re. her 'mentality'. Otherwise where will it end?

See if you can get your DG to see her gp but go with her, my dad intially refused but I got him to humour me, the gp didn't see a problem but referred us anyway. The GP apologised when it came back my dad had mixed dementia.

Also I'd recommend seeing if you can get any help from ageuk.

Your baby must be your priority.

@Maurepas The GM is unlikely to be forced into care at this stage. There are people living alone at home with dementia but with carers.

You are being abused OP. You're going to have to take the very tough route here of saying that you can no longer do it. You absolutely cannot afford to financially support them. That is outrageous! It's going to be very hard but report again to SS and take a massive step back. Your baby comes first. Where are their children in all of this?

Eh? Is that another way of saying "put up and shut up" while on maternity leave with a tiny baby?

Your grandmother is an abusive narcissist.

She will never engage with social services as long as she thinks she can manipulate you into fixing her problems for her.

You need to walk away. Be very firm that you are no longer able to help them and do not want them to contact you - ideally in writing so you have evidence. Block their number. If she continues to harass you or turns up at your house then keep records and report her to the police for harassment if you have to. If she makes any allegations you it will very quickly become apparent that she is lying.

Make a referral to social services explaining that they have no help and you are concerned that they are vulnerable and unable to cope, don’t have the means to get food etc. Then leave SS to sort it out with them. DO NOT get power of attorney or get legally involved in any way.

Whatever happens, let them sort it. They can call social services, they can call citizen’s advice but they need to be dealing with things. If they can’t due to dementia or age then social services need to look into carers or a residential home placement for them and they won’t do that if they think family will pick up the slack.

If you give in even just a little she will suck you back in, that’s how narcissists work. Google grey rock technique and use it. Above all protect your finances, protect your child and protect yourself. Otherwise they will just drain you dry.

You do not owe anything to people who treat you like this.

So what? Let her report you. The police will soon get the measure of her.

Look after yourself and your child. Stop letting them abuse you. Cleaning poo off their clothes? It sounds like they think you're a slave.

Yep, step back., stop contact if abusive.

Social work can deal with it.

I have 3 disabled adult daughters and a disabled husband .
They will let you do it unless you state that you won't.

WTF is this supposed to mean? It's better for her to feel resentment towards GP for the ridiculous demands they make of her than to feel guilty for stepping away? What a weird perspective.

By avoiding guilt about GP in the short term she is probably just gonna feel guilty longer term for not being able to give her young baby the attention, headspace and finances it needs at this crucial period.

Damn. Got it the wrong way round.
Better to feel guilt than resentment.

Apologies.

Just stop.

Seriously. Just stop.

No more cleaning. No more food sorting. No more daily errands. No more bill paying for them. No more running yourself into the ground emotionally, physically and financially because they won't accept help elsewhere.

Report them again to Adult social services and tell them you're going low contact due to their treatment of you and refusal to treat you with any decency despite everything you've done for them, and tell them they'll need to get involved.

You need to focus on yourself and your baby right now. And you have every right to do so.

This is what I was thinking, going no contact to the extent of moving out and renting somewhere, at least for a bit. Even a short let/long Airbnb to get some space. .

This absolutely. Social services can do nothing without the agreement of your Grand Parents. I used to work in community elderly care and my professional advice WAS (I can no longer give professional advice as I cancelled my registration when i retired) always the same. Step back. Cut off contact if you need to. You can do nothing to change or improve the situation and your child and yourself come first.

Yeah, I got it the wrong way round. I've asked for it to be removed.