To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

You must step away to leave space for others to step in. I know it’s so hard, but if you keep helping, they’ll keep taking the help and SS can tick them off as being cared for.

You have to be really, really strong and hold your ground. It’s better for them to have trained carers.

Your updates suggests you are being abused and mistreated by these awful people op. Please stop today, Call ss and leave them to it. For good. It sounds like you have had a horrendous childhood in and out of care, and you deserve a happy adult life now with your baby.

If you are not careful they are going to break you op and then you won’t be able to look after your own baby. Thus completing the cycle of dysfunction for the next generation. It’s essential you pull away now, this is only going to get worse.

Leave social services contact details with dgf. DGM has mental health issues. You can't carry on like this. The next move has to come from them . Run.

Agree

Break the generational dysfunction right now.

We all only have a finite amount of time, emotional energy and headspce each day. Your 4 month old baby needs all of yours until they are grown.

Everything you give to your GPs is something less for your DC....you cannot be in two emotional spaces at once.

Choose your child. Choose your experience of motherhood - so that these fleeting and precious moments are maximised for your babies emotional development and future self.

Nothing else matters. Pivot all your attenion to you and your DC.

Your GP have had their lives. There are facilities for them. Your baby only has this one opportunity. Enjoy your baby. Prioritise them.

You have already done more than most dds would ever do.
More than bought. Time to stop now .

Stop doing this today.
You don't owe them your time and energy.
Live your life.
Who would rush to do the same for yourself?
😳😡

You don't owe them anything just because they helped to raise you. You were just a child. You've got absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

You need to use all your energy for your own children....don't take that energy and waste it on someone who clearly doesn't love or care about you. You'll end up making yourself ill and your children need you to be well....and you deserve to be well. I know your GF is more reasonable and will be left to deal with her but that isn't your problem to solve.

If SS are involved then you must make it plain you're not able to do these daily tasks. The actual act of you continuing it will probably make SS think it's not a priority. Tell them straight you can't do any of it and they need external care. I guess it's about how much they'll accept or admit to needing. Could they finance a few hours a week themselves?
It's totally unfair you should be lumbered with this against your consent. You need to care for your own child and yourself.

They are very blatantly using you op. Please see that if they loved you there is no way they would insist on you clearing up their shit, taking on way too much and exhausting yourself for them (or anyone) this is not love it’s abusive behaviour.
i am sorry you haven’t got more support in resl life, it sounds like you really need it atm.

How old are they?

Where are their own children (adults) to help out?

It must stop now. Your own health and that of your baby's and partners is far more important than theirs. Speak with SS and tell them you can't cope with them anymore. Tell them you are stepping away. She can scream all she likes. But please stop doing it all for them.

Let her report you. Police and SW will see you are fine.

It sounds like your Grandma has some kind of money hoarding issue, if she won't give you any for food, or pay the bills, to the point where she's now in debt.

You absolutely cannot support two households, either financially or physically. I know it's really hard but you need to tell social services firmly that you're withdrawing care and they'll have to look at other options.

Please please please if you cannot make the break for you, do it for your baby.
At this rate, the money you are spending on them could be spent on weekly therapy for you to get through making the break.
Your grandmother is throwing you and your child under the bus rather than choosing to accept help, or even help herself. You deserve better.

@StormingBurt OP was taken away from her parents by SS an put into the care of her grandparents. So I doubt they will be able to look after their parents either.

Tell SS about the incontinence and their GP - there used to be an incontinence nurse who would visit to help people in these situations. Ask age concern for advice about how to manage your local services. A pp... mentioned that your DGF is suffering due to this situation... and you cna mention that to sS to and get a separate case for him. Ask him to keep some of the bills and baliffis letters as it shows your GM is no longer able to deal with finances. She needs a GP assessment. If your GF is still Ok set up a power of attorney for both if you can, can be done on line. Once diagnosed with dementia it will mean applying to the court of protection which is more difficult.
However, you may not want to take on this level of care. Esp if you return to work. Again, talk it through with someone like Age concern.

Difficult situation, hope you get some good advice on here.

OP, people keep telling you what to do and you keep ignoring those posts to vent more. You can solve the problem today by telling them both that they must get care in for themselves. Then refuse to do more.

You are not being unkind or a bad granddaughter to do this. They don't have the right to expect you to do all their care. Your grandmother is selfish and unreasonable, not to mention cheap. I'm probably only a few years younger than they are, and I have a progressive, disabling condition. I do not have the right to tell my adult children they must stop their lives to take care of me. I've had my life and made my choices, and my children have every right to do the same. That is real love. "I'm old so you must care for me because I don't want a stranger in my house/don't want to spend the money" etc. is not a morally defensible position. They've had their lives, they do not get to have your life, too.

Tell them no and mean it, OP. You are entirely in the right here.

Social services may try to push you into helping with one or two tasks, for example laundry or shopping. You need to refuse to do anything at all, don't accept a carers assessment because you are not their carer.
Stand strong and enjoy your baby.

If your grandma doesn't have memory issues, this is bullying, controlling and a horrible thing to do/threaten. If she does have memory issues, then being generous, you could say maybe she just didn't realise where you'd gone. But that shows she needs social services / professional care. And even in that case saying she'd report you to social services if you do it again still sounds nasty and manipulative.

Say she does contact the police, MH services or social services. They're all likely to have a note on the file from last time so might just ignore her. If they do get in contact, then I am sure they will very quickly realise its malicious. If you wanted you could even be proactive if you decide to go no-contact and contact your local police, MH team etc and say just to warn you, my grandma may contact you because she has in the past and is trying to bully me into staying in contact with her, but this is malicious and I am safe and well.

Like PP I think you should pass this on to adult social care, you grandma has two choices (assuming she has capacity) - accept help from social care or have no help. She doesn't get to demand that you provide care.

They've had their lives, they do not get to have your life, too.

An excellent point from LifeExperience

I reported them to Adult Social Services in June ... My grandad was supportive of the help but my grandmother went ballistic and when the worker called for an initial conversation/assessment she called us both Liars and refused any help

Well yes, that's what she'll do while there's any chance of reeling you back in to do it instead, so the only possible answer is to inform Social Services and then step right back

They'll probably accept help quickly enough if there's noone else to do it, and even if they don't what's the alternative except to keep calling the services if they descend into crisis?

I know it is so, so hard, but you need to step away. Give social services/adult services a ring and explain the situation, and that it has worsened since the last referral in June.

I would also mention the issues with your grandmother around bill paying and mouldy food - it does sound like the beginnings of dementia or some other condition which affects memory (even something as little as a UTI can affect memory in elderly people). She could be deemed as incapable of making decisions.

For your own sake, step away, focus on your baby and enjoy your maternity leave. Yes, you will likely feel guilty, but they need help that you cannot and should not be providing. It it outside of your remit, financially and professionally.

OP I am 82 and have full capacity. I could not justify the demands your GPs are placing on you. A rational older person would understand that your child should have priority in your life. Your grandmother is on the way to dementia and needs assessment and help. Step back and take the advice of others on here. If I reached this state I would not want to be making these unreasonable demands and would want to ensure your mental and physical health. They were good to you but now they are being selfish and you have a new life to care for.

It may not seem like it but yes you do have choices you are choosing to do this you can choose not to, likewise you don’t have to do anything for them. I know that will sound horrible to hear and choosing to not do it will make you feel like a terrible person (you aren’t you are a saint to have done any of it) but it’s the truth. Step back and prioritise yourself and your baby.