To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

Be aware that people can have dementia and still be judged to have capacity. People are allowed to make bad decisions as long as they understand the potential consequences.

And if she does this again you simply use this as evidence that she no longer has capacity.

I'm a mental health nurse and work with older adults. Is it possible one/both of them has dementia? There are lots of red flags for memory problems in here. For instance, the mouldy food. The 'lies' about paying bills could be a case of your DGM is confabulating and believing she's don't it when she hasn't.

And poo on clothes obviously isn't normal. They are either physically unable to clean themselves well (could by physical health, but could be memory related) or unable to remember how to use the washer.

There appears to be some functional decline here with is typical of memory issues.

Ring adult social care and make a referral. Be clear what you do for them and their care needs, and state you are pulling out to get it to move along faster.

I'd also consider booking a GP appointment to consider a referral for memory assessment.

I work with people without memory issues too, and yes, many people struggle with continance, but people in their right mind don't leave poo on their clothes and can maintain hygiene (even if it's a strip wash)

You know that you can't go on like this OP.
Stop doing stuff for them now.
You mentioned that your grandad got in touch with a relative to help with bills..... maybe this relative should step up again.
Honestly love .you are going to run yourself ragged. It's hard I know but leave them to get on with it.

The attitude your grandmother is showing is often symptomatic of dementia, if your grandfather as next of kin agrees she can be assessed for dementia or other mental health problems, also capacity more generally. You can also state categorically that you need access to their bank account if they wish you to continue helping, no access no shopping, you can also then manage their utilities etc

Please don't feel guilty about this. Lots of people find themselves pressganged into helping elderly relatives, and to start with it isn't too bad. But then either your own circumstances change, or their needs increase beyond what you are capable of doing, and there comes a point where you have to say enough is enough.

Your DGPs need proper support from social services, and need either cleaners or carers visiting. You can't do it any more. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

You don't HAVE to do any of this, OP.

My advice is to stop.

I'd take a step back and reflect on what you and your baby need. You need to care for and advocate for your baby. Whatever the cause, your DGP will take and take until you have nothing left and it still won't be enough. Your time, energy and money need to be directed towards your baby.

Bloody hell op, please listen to all the good advice others have posted and call SS today. You need to put you and baby first xxx

Let them.

You can’t control their behaviour, just your own. Stop going round there sorting out the mess they are making. Take a huge step back and eventually they will have to get alternative support.

So she can waste the valuable time of the MH Team and police to do a welfare check and she would report you to Social Services but Social Services won't properly assess her until she allows them to??? That's really bizarre.

You need to step back for your mental health and so that you can give your baby the attention they deserve while you're on maternity leave.

If you know their GP, can you contact them initially saying that for your own health and well being you can no longer be the contact for their needs and you would appreciate a house call from the GP to them to do an initial visual assessment (if that might even be useful in getting the Social Services team to get the ball rolling there). Your Grandmother is not in control of her faculties and both she and your Grandad need help, but you do not have to be the person to do that.

Just read this. I'm fairly positive your DGM has a memory problem. This is a very typical presentation I'd see in services. Go to your GP (make something up to get DGM to come with you) and ask to be referred for memory assessment. Be clear there are risks of self-neglect as it will be faster if it goes via community mental health than it will memory assessment service.

It sounds like DGM has unfortunately lost insight into her functional ability.

If your gran's personality was unpleasant anyway, dementia unfortunately only usually exaggerates those traits.

Edit: also, social services will harp on about consent. Be clear you believe she has memory problems, is not able to decide this herself, and express you feel she needs a mental capacity assessment. MH services will also help you deal with social care if you're referred to them.

The OP does NOT need access to their bank accounts. They are apparently insolvent and this is just setting her up for a world of pain. If they were both judged to have lost capacity it might be safer, but she will have to live with constant accusations of dishonesty, and it is actually much better to let social services deal with the finances.

Ring social services and say it’s a safeguarding issue and step back. You don’t need to do this and you shouldn’t be using your money

Sadly, the only way your GM is likely to accept help or be judged not to have capacity is for you to withdraw all help and let the chips fall as they may.

That will be incredibly hard to do. It will mean leaving them in their mess with their manky food and not chasing up bills and shopping. But until the real extent of what is needed it apparent to your GM - or, more likely, Adult Social Care have to intervene because of the state they are in, and judge your GM lacks capacity - nothing will change.

I feel for you. It's a horrible situation to be in.

So sad for your GD to be dealing with this too. Are utilities in her name or joint names. ditto bank accounts. Can you get them transferred to GD if not being paid by her. If you can get utilities set up as direct debits it would take some of the worry and stress off him. As for the rest yes you are going to have to go no contact. If she makes threats about it try and record her on your phone so you have it as evidence of her mental instability

I got some really good advice on the cockroach cafe segment of this website. You can make sure that they are cared for, without undertaking that care yourself. Look into what benefits are available to your grandparents and organise paid care services accordingly.

@TriesNotToBeCynical

Having seen what happened when social services supposedly looked after finances in a dementia case I would not recommend that to anyone, it's not fair on her granddad. The grandmother needs a capacity assessment and most likely her next of kin (her husband) will need to be in control of money initially. Social services are far too stretched to be checking that utility bills are paid

This is too much for you to shoulder alone, especially as you have your own commitments, including a baby. Also you should not be expected to pay for their groceries.

They could have groceries delivered, I daresay your grandparents don't have the internet but that is something you could set up for them, and pay with their debit card. Other things can also be bought online and delivered.

Can they afford a cleaner? Even once a fortnight would be good.

I see you did involve social services at one point; you really need to do it again, forcefully, whatever your grandmother says. I know how she feels, I'm old myself and don't want people poking around me and my home but I am not currently in your grandparents' place, am independent (so far). I wouldn't be afraid of asking for, and accepting help, if I needed it.

You poor thing, you must be worn out. It is great to help and support elderly loved ones but not alone.

@mitogoshigg I totally agree. And if direct debits are set up for utilities and he uses a paper catalogue from Wiltshire Farms and the telephone to order food, then there will not be much to manage.

thats fine. when the police etc do the welfare check you tell them you are fine and have chosen to step away.

^ this

I agree with the advice that you need to inform Social Services that you are stepping back and just do it. Whether your Gran has dementia or not, she is being abusive. You absolutely should not have to handwash/scub the poo from her clothes. She must surely have some cognitive decline or she would be totally mortified by this. It is a completely unhealthy and unsafe situation for you and your baby, who is your first priority.

Without wanting to be harsh social services will not step in while you are helping them. They are not your responsibility. Tell them you are no longer able to help because you have a baby to look after and this is affecting your mental and physical health. If they need help they can contact Adult Social Services themselves, apply for attendance allowance etc. Be firm. Step completely back. Enjoy your baby. I have some recent experience in a situation like this and it's mentally draining. Don't do it out of duty your focus is your child now. Good luck.

You have a 4 month old baby!!!? Even if you didn't this would be completely OTT and unreasonable.

Does your GM have form for being manipulative and demanding? She sounds like a nasty bully. You've obviously been in a very coercive/guilt trip type relationship with your GP's for them to think this is in any way acceptable.

Cheeky Feckers!