To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

Excellent update OP. Stay strong.

You sound like a wonderful young woman and mother.

Move house when you can and live your life.

YOU are breaking the cycle of abuse.

In your own time the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk is worth looking at to build up futher your boundaries in all relationships.

We are here for you.💐

Totally agree. They're exploiting you. Concentrate on you and your baby 👶🏻. Btw Congratulations 🎊 🙂

I feel your pain. "I don't need any help". Promptly falls over and you have to call an ambulance. Oh and the if you just sort out the kids presents I'll pay you back later. Of course never does and I'm too soft to ask and they don't remember, Take them to the doctor. "my credit card doesn't work". OK I'll pay . Add in "where is my handbag 35 times an hour" It's hell. I love them but it's all a bit much.

You have a full time job looking after your baby at the moment that is what maternity leave is for. Sure there is time to help out a bit but not every day.

Make it clear it is too much for you and see what other help can be found.

For me, there is nothing about the caring needs which is not solvable (cleaner, POA, etc etc.) The problem is your GMs attitude and nastiness. I would give them notice - I am not doing this any more, I dont mind helping where I can but your demands are excessive, you are financially taking advantage of me and abusing me. So I am no longer going to do this any longer and you will have to make alternative arrangements.

Its a good idea to call the GP - they may not be able to discuss much with you, but they can listen to what you have to say. .

Happy Birthday OP 😃🥳🎈 Hope you and your LO have had a great day 🎂🎄

Happy birthday OP! Hope the trip into town and christmas-sy stuff with your little one was fun

Happy birthday op.
Hope you have had a lovely day.🥳

Happy birthday OP. Hope that you had time for yourself and your little one to enjoy.
Don't worry if you find yourself caught up in their toxic web again. These are deep childhood issues that you're enmeshed in and there are numerous wise women on here with great experience in getting out of toxic relationships. So feel free to keep sharing if it's useful.

Wishing you all the very best.

Your grandparents are not elderly at 67, I'm similar age and can still put in a full shift in a hospital. Obviously there is some kind of mental health/personality disorder going on but it is not your responsibility to resolve their issues. Your responsibility is to be a good mother for your DC and to do this you need to look after yourself! Agree that your best bet would be to put some distance between you and do not give them your new address! Hope you enjoy your birthday💐

Hope you had a great birthday.

If you haven't already, I would give the police your phone number. Explain she is doing welfare checks and false reports as a way to control you. Make it clear you are going to go low/no contact so it is likely to increase. If she reports to social services that your daughter has been harmed they will still have to check it out but if she says you have vanished they may be able to sort it with just a call.

Mossstitch · Yesterday 20:00

Your grandparents are not elderly at 67, I'm similar age and can still put in a full shift in a hospital

Everyone is different.

I work in Older adults social work and my advice to you would be to step back completely. You have a young baby to look after and they and your own mental wellbeing must be the priority. Yes an assessment can't be forced if people do have capacity and don't want one but that doesn't then mean it all falls to you. If your grandparents do have capacity then they have a choice to make decisions. And if there are concerns about capacity, SS can liasie with the GP for a capacity assessment. I've done this many times in my own role.

Be absolutely clear to everyone including your grandparents that you are not in a position to offer your support. A 4 month old is a full time job in itself and you have to make sure you look after yourself too.

I'm fully aware of that, I'm an occupational therapist and work with patients of all ages but being frail or having ill health/mental health disorders does not make someone 'elderly' at 67. This couple are manipulating the op, they are not both physically incapable of doing their own cleaning/chores. Adult social care will not do anything for them because they have capacity and should be doing their ADLs themselves but are, for whatever reason, using and abusing the op. She needs to have the reassurance that she is doing the right thing to step away and look after herself and her child and not to consider her grandparents as 'elderly' and incapable.

Just wanted to say you sound absolutely brilliant and happy birthday. If you lived near me I'd be your friend. I hope you find some good connections through your baby groups.

No grandmother is toxic by look of it.
demands, debt, entitlement and the rest of it.
dgf sounds like he’s enabler and better grand parent a little.

I would contact adult social care, they need support it should just be on you. Keep us posted.

What a nightmare for you - you must walk away and look after your baby and your mental health. Hopefully your granddad can come and visit so you can maintain a relationship. I’m astonished they are 67 - from your initial post I expected them to be 87.
There’s a reason you put your oxygen mask on first before helping others ✈️

Though I hate to boast 😂 I used to be excellent - Olympic class - at feeling guilty. The day a counsellor friend said to me that feeling guilty is not a helpful emotion was a light bulb moment. Doing things just because I felt guilty made me feel resentful and angry. Feeling guilty about something I had or had not done helped no-one. So I ditched feeling guilty. I'm no saint, but instead I try to choose what responsibilities/favours I feel I can take on and I don't feel guilty about saying no. If I feel I've done something wrong I try to apologise and put things right - but I don't feel guilty. It sounds like you've had a tough upbringing yourself so it must be very hard to work out how to put up boundaries: I really feel for you. I agree with others. Contact social services for your grandparents; if they kick off and try to guilt trip you, so be it: don't let them. Focus on getting support for yourself and baby. Maybe look into some advice on setting boundaries/assertiveness for yourself? I'm sorry, but your grandparents have been taking advantage of you - at the very very least you shouldn't be financially out of pocket because of them. Wishing you very good luck.

Do not feel guilty!
You do not have to do any of it!
They helped with your upbringing, presumably because they loved you and wanted the best for you.
Raising children is not transactional, it is totally unreasonable of them to have these expectations. Get Social Services in to assess their needs, if they don’t have savings they will be provided with services to help them. Tell Social Services exactly what you have said here and that you can no longer be the carer.
My 82 yr old DM seems to think that I should be her carer, PA and only source of social contact, simply because she gave birth to me! I have made it very clear to my daughters that I expect nothing from them. If they choose to support me, hopefully won’t need it, then that will be very kind and generous of them.
All of your energies need to go into your own child and you
Good luck

Your grandmother does not have dementia. She has narcissistic personality disorder and undiagnosed ADHD, as do your mother and as did your uncle.
debt and addiction often go hand-in-hand with severe ADHD. When undiagnosed things can become very difficult as negative coping mechanisms take over.
i feel for you and your grandad.

I think we all feel for the OP, but, unless you are a doctor or psychologist/psychiatrist, who has seen these people in person, you are not in any position to diagnose anyone with anything. Such sweeping statements are unhelpful at best and potentially damaging at worst.

Are you a psychiatrist who has seen these people to diagnose them ?

Im shocked they are only 67, we are both 74 and still going strong, i do everything myself including decorating ours and daughters house. We still go skiing and go to the gym a few times a week. Stay strong and look after yourself and baby.