To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

Excellent advice 💯

Very unlikely.

Call social services again. Then change your phone number. You need to step back for a few months.

Op sorry your going through this shit u sound like u have suffered so much already in ur life. You might feel guilt its normal but the gdp aren't your priority now ur dc is. She may be ill but you might become ill yourself with this stress. you have to do what is best for ypur dc if she gets violent she may hurt your baby please don't let that happen tell your gdp your sorry but you can't help him and he has to fight to get ss involved. Your gdm is very controlling so sad she reported you. I would walk away before they ruin your life even more. Good luck. go out for the day on your birthday and buy yourself a hot drink and a slice of cake and forget the past ruined birthdays you need to make new happy memories with your dc.

You're in a difficult situation but you have to draw the line. Are they claiming attendance allowance as they need help with personal care? With attendance allowance your GM may be more amenable to pay for the care. Don't use you're own money. You'll have to let the place get into a state so the social see they're not coping.

Could be that as the GM has been taking the GF’s money all these years there maybe too much money in the bank for an attendance allowance.

Definitely apply for attendance allowance for them and then they will be able to get care or you can apply for carers allowance for looking after them.

To get carers allowance you have to be providing a lot of hours of care. The OP does not want to do this. She has a tiny baby.

I suggest you read all of the OP's updates, it has moved on quickly and not in a good way.

I would strongly advise you to contact your local adult social care. Also, as some of the behaviours you are describing are a little concerning, it may be worth seeing if your grandparents can have a memory assessment. You need to prioritise yourself and your little one.

Ive just been watching Martin Lewis and neither of my GP would be able to claim Attendance Allowance because they both have seperate LR PIP claims.

I have been to one of my therapy sessions this afternoon and we had a discussion about all of this. I was given some leaflets about dementia and some reflection work for myself to do over the next week.

I don't know how my GM appointment went at the doctors today as haven't answered any more of my grandads calls. Its important that I have full space from the situation to be able to focus on myself, my DC and the work my therapist has set.

I'm going to take DC to see santa for my birthday and we have a look around the Christmas markets, have some lunch and might treat myself to something whilst out in town. I'm not going to sit and dwell on all of these issues when I have memories to make with my DC.

If your grandparents are pension age, I don't think they can claim PIP? I believe that it's Attendance Allowance only. Attendance Allowance is no means tested.

You can receive PIP after 67 if you were a claimant before the age of 67. You can’t claim for it after that age.

Just to add that because both of my parents were entitled to Attendance Allowance, they also got Pension Credit, even though their savings put them above the normal amount for PC. (The fact that they both had AA meant that they were deemed to have an underlying entitlement to a Carers' Allowance without that actual money that comes with Carers' Allowance, bizarre though that seems.)

It's a bit complicated for us mere mortals - someone from the local council actually applied for the extra Pension Credit for my parents. I'd recommend that your GF should get in touch with Citizens' Advice.

Yeah this. My father received it well before 67 so now still receives it at 74

Thank you. I was totally unaware.

The older relatives in your family should be helping you when they can, not the other way around.
Reading your posts I can’t believe what they have evicted you to do. And the abuse at times is just awful,
so break that chain. You sound like a wonderful mum enjoy this special time.

I'm glad you saw your therapist today and could chat it through with them and get some support. I think that sounds a lovely plan for your birthday. You should definitely treat yourself to something :)

I've found this. OP's grandfather should still contact Citizens' Advice.

"If someone gets Attendance Allowance or the middle or highest rate care component of DLA, PIP, Scottish Adult Disability Payment or AFIP, they may be entitled to extra Pension Credit of £81.50."

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/pension-credit-toolkit/pension-credit-and-help-for-disabled-people

Your grandparents should not be your responsibility, especially as you have a baby. Definitely contact adult social services - they can arrange appropriate care. If your GPS want shopping, at the very least they need to give you money.

Well done you. Sounds like a wise plan to give yourself space and time to spend on yourself and DD.

You are very wise as well as caring! I hope you find something fabulous at the Christmas markets to buy yourself, and that this birthday marks the start of even better ones to come

You done amazing, hope you get some space from the situation & are able to have a good birthday with your DC.

OP, I have family members like yours. The best thing you can do is put some distance between them and your and your baby. Moving towards work sounds like a great idea. Your GF will want the best for you and will understand why you can't help at the moment. Maybe in time you can help him in a different way, over the phone, with advice and so on.
You've already had so much good advice on here, and you're already going in the right direction. All I really wanted was to give you a virtual hug, I see you. Prioritise your baby and yourself and take time to heal. I genuinely wish you all the best.

Looksharpfixup 💐💐💐🌻💐💐💐