To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

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Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

This.
they are not grateful for your help, they are actually demanding and unpleasant. Do not get yourself into debt for them and do not allow this to continue. Block their number and give a wide birth - if you want to visit do it once a week and if they ask you to do any cleaning just say no they need to pay for a cleaner. You’ll only get abused if you allow this to happen.

You're not trapped. You can choose to reduce your support. It might actually help them in the long run. It will certainly help you and your baby. Let them hit rock bottom - it's the only way things will improve for everyone.

I agree with the others and I think I would say to SS that your Grandmother has deteriorated and you don’t feel she had capacity, that you deem her to be a vulnerable adult and the situation is rapidly heading towards being a safeguarding issue and that you have carer burnout. I would contact their GP and say that too. Any phone call follow up with an email, you want a paper trail.

With telling your Grandparents you can’t help I would consider telling them that you are unwell and have been told by your GP that you must not help as you are not well enough then keep repeating that you can’t and say ‘Doctor’s orders’.

Really feel for you, it was very difficult with my Mum and my DC were older than yours and more self sufficient. With the guilt thing I had counselling for a bit and one thing that stuck with me is she asked me if it was my guilt to feel? That answer was no and I always think of this in other situations.

For the people who have mentioned dementia, i really don't know if it is or not. I guess because I've dealt with some of these behaviours for most of my life it's hard for me to determine whether it's just control and selfishness or if its actually a medical disfunction happening.

My DGD is pretty independent and functioning, however he lacks the skills to be able to run a household tasks without support, but he will help to an extent. He does the dishes every morning and puts the washer on aslong as I can hang it outside, etc. He struggles to breath alot of the time though so he does pile on the pressure slightly because its "womens work" but he does try to manage it and at times is grateful.

My Gran has been difficult for atleast 10 years especially where money is concerned but her attitude towards mainly me and my DGF has got disgusting over this past year. This weekend alone I have been screamed at because I made 1 coffee without making her one even though she was asleep when I went into the kitchen, for not going back to the shops for sugar when I'd already been twice that day, for throwing a Lasagne away that had been defrosted 3 days ago that apparently she was having for her tea, for telling her to put her soiled clothes on a full hot cycle to wash instead of scrubbing the poo out myself and putting it on a quick wash and for not eating a brownie that she had "slaved over all day making" (it was awful).

I agree with every poster so far.
While you are doing anything SS will do nothing.
You have to be really strong and firm.
I’d suggest contacting SS in writing and saying you cannot offer any further support. They are vulnerable people in need of help and support. You do NOT have to give any reasons. Copy the same to their GP.
Do not do any more cleaning —-SS have to see it how it is, not a cleaned up version.
You will break, a 4 month old is a full time job and your baby needs you. And you need to be healthy and strong to enjoy your baby.

Also I’ll add — friend in her 70s has had poor mental health all her life. I suspect Bipolar from a lot of her behaviours over the years. But about a year or so ago her behaviour went completely “odd”. Was convinced she and her husband were going to be arrested for really strange things like not cutting the grass. Ranting and raging about strange things. Diagnosed with dementia but the poor MH have made it appear different to how most of us think of dementia if that makes sense.

You have a strong case to say your grandmother's capacity needs re assessing because she does not understand the consequences of her decisions/actions I. E. The not paying bills, responding to court summon, getting assets removed.

Social services need to do this assessment IN PERSON, not on the phone. My friends grandmother initially span social services a great yarn that she was still working part time and her husband was still alive and helping her. They thought she was all fine and dandy till the family pointed out that neither of these things were true. Then they actually assessed her and realised her needs were so great she should go into a home.

I know you are LC/NC with your mother but does she still see her parents at all? This should not all fall to you, you can step back and you do not need to feel guilty.

As hard as it will be you need to walk away until she will accept help.

OP, your grandparents are not your responsibility and your grandmother is abusive. You can literally walk away from them, you know. The reason they're refusing to get help is because they have help from you. If your grandmother didn't have you cleaning her house and looking after her all the time, I'm pretty sure she would have been a lot more amenable to social services' input.

All sounds very difficult especially with your dgf sounding fairly cooperative, yet your dgm refusing all help.

with a 4 month old baby though you really can’t do anything other than pop in once a week or so. Nor should you. I think back away, at least for now, your dgm may learn to be a bit more grateful (unlikely I know)

Tell them and social services that you can't help any more.

Then block their number for a week or so, until they get the message.

hopefully you can get back to a more healthy relationship as family, not carer.

you will have to be strong, but you are 100% in the right.

Speaking as someone who along with other family members have been drawn into being carers. We are all exhausted, and now pulling back. We all work.

Social Care are involved now, and are going to do a mental capacity assessment.

I can advise that your situation will only get worse, and even more demands will be made of you.

I note you are on Mat leave what will they do when you return to work.

I strongly advise you to pull out and make a safeguarding referral by telephone.

Hello there.

I know it is hard but they have to reach a crisis to get the appropriate help from the authorities. This means you step away, tell them that you can't help further, and that they need to organise their own care/rs.

Then you refuse to get pulled back no matter how much they rage and curse.

Is your gf capable of taking control of the bills? Could you have a pre-payment meter installed? Or would that just cause them to be cut off? You really need to take a major step back, you can’t look after them and your baby, who of course must be your priority. Stop being a doormat, you don’t need to do this. Going to the shops multiple times a day is crazy.

I can't see anywhere on this thread but do you live with your grandparents or do you have your own home? If you live with your grandparents, pulling away from their demands will be tricky.
If you have your own home, it should be a relatively simple thing to do. You just stop going round there except to visit!

Oh God, what a nightmare.
Stepping back completely doesn't sound a great solution but you need to find ways to do less. Hopefully SS will help. Meanwhile, assuming your GF has access to a debit or credit card, how about doing an online supermarket shop once a week, paid for by him? And getting a cleaner, also paid for by GF? If necessary you could help him set up an automatic transfer each week.
What you can't do is continue going round all the time and cleaning up a disgusting tip - that's not on.

OP I have experienced similar and know how hard it is to say no but you need to put you and baby first. Do not buy food unless money is given upfront and stop the daily trips.
Your gm may be in early stages of dementia and of course won't think she needs help from a registered service when you are doing everything but when you make it clear you wont she may be more receptive.
I have had conversations with my family member around expectations what I am happy to help with and what is not appropriate eg personal care. I also find when they are angry and being emotionally abusive the only answer is to say nothing and leave. It is extremely hard as I know it's not how they were but I do my best while putting my own child first.

This
I really feel for you OP, you have been through so much and are without support yourself
Growing up in LA care and cared for by your GPs, they obviously love and care about you very much.
However, their current expectations are misplaced and this cannot possibly continue.
Are you in a relationship with baby's father? To support the enormity of caring for your baby?
Sending you hugs and strength

@Cheesemas yes, I have my own house, though it's about 5 minutes away from my GP. I have tried the no contact thing several times over this past year. I would turn my phone off, not answer the door when they came round and just went on with my life. My GM spinned it to her narrative and reported me to the local MH team and made the police come out for welfare checks saying i had just disappeared, then said she would report me to ss if she couldn't get hold of me again because I had no one else.

Hard as it is, you need to completely remove yourself or they will never be helped.
You need to force both them and social services to act.

Sadly, it very much sounds as though your grandmother has dementia. Unfortunately, as long as you keep helping she is not going to accept any help from anyone else.
But you have your baby to think about, you don't have the money to help fund their household, and you don't have the spare time or energy to be their carer.
Please look after yourself and your baby and stop helping. Make a safeguarding referral to adult social care.

You know this is not sustainable.
It does not sound like they need personal care. So your GF needs to step up. Tell him you can't do this any more. Tell him you will help get the bills transferred into his name to manage if he wants. And that you will help them find a cleaner. Also you can drop of a brochure for Wiltshire Foods who deliver meals. He can order them over the phone.
If he will not agree to that, say you will stop doing these things by a certain date, and then stop.
Social Services do not clean houses. All they would do is help them find a cleaner that they had to pay for. So if they refuse to pay, then no cleaning gets done. I know it is hard. But they will deteriorate in health and they need to start accepting outside help.

So what if she reports you to social services? I assume you are perfectly capable of caring for your child so they will have no interest in pursuing it further. And then you will have the evidence to show Social Services that you can not care for GP and they need help.

I would not worry about her reporting you. If she keeps reporting you as missing, and then you explain what has actually happened, this will give someone a push to try and resolve the situation. It actually helps you in the long term if she does this.

Your grandmother is effectively stealing from your baby - money and time that you had intended to use for your baby's benefit. And if she's screaming at you with your baby there then that's concerning for the baby's emotional development. You need to decide on your boundaries and stick to them. Not financially subsidising them, having a limit on your time and not being screamed at would be a good start. Or full no contact if that's what you want.

Any unfounded reports to social services or the Police will be quickly seen for what they are - a malicious attempt to get you to do what they want. In fact, the Police do not take kindly to malicious reports, so your grandmother would get a telling off in that scenario. You have nothing to fear by those threats.