Being sensitive when friends don't reply to messages (having seen them)

[Anuta77]

Just to be clear I know that everyone is busy and are not obliged to immediately reply to my messages. I totally get not feeling like replying at the moment and even forgetting. It happens to me. But even if I forget, I end up remembering the unanswered message and reply something saying sorry, got busy, .... I also think that if one forgets the message, if they somehow think of you one day, they would open the messaging app and would see that they never answered something.

If I have nothing else to contribute to the conversation or someone sends some info that doesn't require a full answer, I at least acknoledge with some thumbs up or a heart or whatever.

By the way, I am very busy myself by the way, with kids, work, renovations, etc. I just think it's the polite thing to do.

So when friends just see my message and then never reply, it bugs me, especially when it happens several times. I obviously don't throw a tantrum or say anything, but it turns me off and makes me less motivated to start a conversation again. The worse is that it happens even with my close friend who's strong on manners.

I even changed hairdressers after I sent one hairdresser some info we discussed during the haircut and told her how my husband loved my hair. She ignored my message (she's very active on facebook and I could see that the message was seen), I found another hairdresser.

AIBU? How others react to their messages being ignored?

You see I look at this the other way round, for the sake of their relationships the non-repliers should maybe consider what they're doing.

When you don't reply to a friend you're basically saying to them 'You are not worth a few seconds of my time'. And then why would anyone want to stay friends with someone who clearly doesn't value them? I would stop investing my time in that direction, it's not balanced, I would rather focus on other more rewarding friendships.

Now this is all within reason of course, you get some people apparently expecting of texts every five minutes which is wearying, and life is busy of course, or major shit happens and people don't have the headspace, or you develop a texting style where every other week/ month is quite appropriate for your friendship and how it has developed. But you weigh up these things in the larger overall picture of the friendship and what you and they are getting from it, and sometimes yeah you should just acknowledge that it's best focusing on other friendships instead.

Some times of day are busier than other times of day. Is that news to you?

That's not spitting the dummy. That's having options.

-Hi MN, what are your thoughts, AIBU on this one?
-I mean... Yes, in my opinion it's OTT and a bit needy.
-No, it's not.

👍🏼

Well let’s say not needy but you get your validation from other people so when they don’t reply as you think they should or how you would you take it as a slight . So first step is realising it’s you not them. Now if someone is totally rude and it’s consistently one way then that’s different.

why is it so important to you to be nice? I think you need to do some reflecting where all this is coming from.

So if you are so busy why are you looking at your phone and reading messages from friends? Why no crack on with your job/looking after children and try and get everything done?

I understand OP. I find it hurtful too. I think because it's something I would never do, I don't understand how other people can do it to me. But we're all different and some people just don't seem to pay any attention to messages or forget about them as soon as they've seen them. Try not to take it personally.

I'm old and ill and not familiar with modern manners.

I very frequently don't reply to messages because I'm busy being ill.

I'd never heard of offending people by leaving them on "read" until I heard about it on here.

But then I mostly message other old gimmers who probably haven't heard that it's rude either because we all do it all of the time.

"I still try to acknowledge the message just to be nice"

You do you, but I just cannot be arsed texting pointlessly "just to be nice". My friends can either be insulted by this, or hopefully they know me enough to know it's not malicious. I won't go out of my way to send pointless heart reactions and the like "just to be nice" or for fear of a friendship being ruined - if a heart reaction breaks a friendship, it was never really a great friendship was it.

One of my friends has dyslexia and she really struggles with WhatsApp / messages. How do you know that's not the case for your ex hairdresser?

My other friend has ADHD and he's so easily distracted, he is known for forgetting to reply to messages and various other things too. He's a lot better with phone calls. He does try but sometimes you don't know the full story OP, there could be other things going on sometimes that you're unaware of. I appreciate this isn't always the case but why waste energy getting frustrated with messages if you've got on well face to face?

When I can reply, I do. I'm not sure what's confusing you?

It really annoys me too op - I have two school friends who we kind of cling to a friendship, they would say we were best friends but urgh it can take days for a reply, even when I'm asking something directly to them. Really irritates me and I make less and less effort or it's just me chasing them.
Then when we're together we have the best time and I forget I'm annoyed.

If you are on even a handful of group chats you don'f necessarily see your friend's message or you can see it but then that chat gets sent further down the page.

I have to use Notes to set reminders to reply to messages if I need to think about the reply or need more information before replying. Otherwise I would forget.

I’m not confused. If you read the original post the op refers to people who never reply, which is clearly not you.

When you don't reply to a friend you're basically saying to them 'You are not worth a few seconds of my time'. And then why would anyone want to stay friends with someone who clearly doesn't value them?

But it's not a few seconds. Because if you reply then they'll reply then you have to reply etc. Someone who expects a response is guaranteed to respond, and expect a response. And if you just heart or thumbs up, that will wear thin pretty fast. Fundamentally you can't value yourself and your friendships by this kind of shit. A few seconds of a WhatsApp is not what counts. Quality time counts. This is a very very recent thing that we are constantly available to be messaged and judged if we don't want to run relationships that way. However much OP says she understands that, it's clear she doesn't and that this is her barometer. It's not a good barometer.

Respectfully, that’s because some people (not meaning you, but certainly some posters on the thread) have far fewer friends than others, and are likely to receive fewer WhatsApp messages, hence one arriving is a bigger ‘event’, or a text exchange is a bigger deal than for someone who has a ‘busier’ phone and/or is on lots of WhatsApp groups. I have most groups muted, but it does mean that a message may easily get pushed down off my first WhatsApp screen. I certainly don’t have any issues with a non-immediate reply to mine, unless it’s urgent or time-sensitive in which case I will phone.

I don't think so, some replies will be missed, that's natural. Eventually I would end up sending my own message and spot the thread, but that could be weeks later. If someone doesn't reply to me and it's important, then I will contact them again rather than sit stewing. If it was just about my haircut then I'd think no more of it.

When you don't reply to a friend you're basically saying to them 'You are not worth a few seconds of my time'. And then why would anyone want to stay friends with someone who clearly doesn't value them?

or

When you message a friend and expect an answer you're basically saying to them 'I can demand and command a few minutes of your time for a message of my choosing’ And then why would anyone want to stay friends with someone who clearly doesn't respect them?

Thankfully most people don’t adopt either extreme, and are relaxed, understanding and confident enough in the friendship to not take things personally etc.

I largely agree with this. I am always stunned when people say it’s not rude to ignore messages. Your reception here OP has been bonkers.

I had a bereavement earlier this year and a couple of people messaged to see how I was doing a few weeks later. I replied to both saying I was finding it difficult but coping etc. Both read my message and didn’t reply (one for a week and one until the next birthday so months)! That made me feel worse than if they hadn’t asked in the first place.

YANBU OP, it’s stunning how people lack common courtesy when it comes to messaging.

Are you saying that if someone informs you of something serious by text, unless it’s conveyed by phone call it becomes less important and less deserving of a timeous reply?

So the mode of information is more important than the substance?

I think that poster is saying the opposite, that if something it’s important, it would almost never be conveyed by text message.

Dh had a serious physical injury. He was dealing with the fallout from that and would not have had the resources/energy to call around to tell people but he could inform them by text.

It was still important…. to him.

Yes, exactly that. Nobody I know would ever inform me of anything serious by text.

That’s not to say that it could never happen to you ie someone inform you of something serious by text.

Or is it that by virtue of receiving the information by text you to decide on whether serious or not? So, “cat died, broke my hip” - not serious….

When I had cancer I informed my parents on the phone (they live hundreds of miles away) but I told everyone else by text. I was overwhelmed, extremely frightened and emotionally exhausted. I simply didn't have the energy to call everyone. In fact I told people not to call me as I couldn't face talking about it over and over again.