Being sensitive when friends don't reply to messages (having seen them)

[Anuta77]

Just to be clear I know that everyone is busy and are not obliged to immediately reply to my messages. I totally get not feeling like replying at the moment and even forgetting. It happens to me. But even if I forget, I end up remembering the unanswered message and reply something saying sorry, got busy, .... I also think that if one forgets the message, if they somehow think of you one day, they would open the messaging app and would see that they never answered something.

If I have nothing else to contribute to the conversation or someone sends some info that doesn't require a full answer, I at least acknoledge with some thumbs up or a heart or whatever.

By the way, I am very busy myself by the way, with kids, work, renovations, etc. I just think it's the polite thing to do.

So when friends just see my message and then never reply, it bugs me, especially when it happens several times. I obviously don't throw a tantrum or say anything, but it turns me off and makes me less motivated to start a conversation again. The worse is that it happens even with my close friend who's strong on manners.

I even changed hairdressers after I sent one hairdresser some info we discussed during the haircut and told her how my husband loved my hair. She ignored my message (she's very active on facebook and I could see that the message was seen), I found another hairdresser.

AIBU? How others react to their messages being ignored?

Precisely

Like I said earlier, it's about expectation imo

For example, a few months ago, I voice noted a (very close?) friend with some info about a really big (and quite shocking) life change for me included health deterioration

She listened (ticks went blue) and THREE WEEKS later she replied, saying how sorry she was for the delay in replying, how am I feeling now etc

My expectation was that she could have shown more care and interest, more quickly

But she didn't

For me, it's useful info about her friendship and I now know more about her as a person (which amazingly, in 12 years, I hadn't found out before)

No need to dump her as a friend (she's got good qualities) but my new knowledge about her, is useful going forward

People have different levels of communication. Your hairdresser may have thought that your message didn't need a response. And truly what would be a response apart from "that's nice" or a thumbs up. And then you would have replied to that and thus the cycle continues!

This is it.

Dh now knows how to deal with his friend going forward and has very low expectations.

Blue ticks mean "this message has been opened". It does not mean its been read.

I've had messages come through, looked at them on my pull down notification thing and read the first line. Thought "Oh that looks important. I won't open it until I can properly read it" and then accidentally clicked it. I've not read the message and I've filed it away to reply to but life moves so quickly it might be 3 weeks before I realise because I thought it had been a couple of days.

Someone needed my bank details to pay for a ticket the other, so it was me missing out. I don't have phone banking so had to get my card to get the details. I filed it away as a to do. When I went to send the details, thinking it had been maybe a week or two... it was two months later. But I'd been so busy it felt like only a couple of weeks.

Indeed it could happen, and if I read it, I would decide based on the content, however I would also assume that the transmitter isn't requiring a particular response as they sent the news via a secondary form of communication.

I have a dear friend who probably answers about 8/10 WhatsApp messages.

It's INFURIATING
She does it to everyone and it annoys everyone.
People mention it ribbingly, but she persists.
I love her, so try to get over it.
But it's fucking annoying!

And I don't mean waffly messages here, I mean... are we still meeting on such and such date/time etc....

or are you guys coming for dinner here on sunday?
Drives me nuts it does!

Firstly, sorry to hear of your cancer. Secondly though, you have proved my point in that you used a medium that was appropriate for your need. The people you wanted to speak to about it, you spoke to. The rest you messaged because you wanted them to know, but not necessarily to provoke an immediate response. And the responses you got were mainly by message I presume. This is a perfect way to use messaging.

@HappiestSleeping - she didn’t call people other than her parents because she didn’t want to talk about it with lots of other people but she still wanted to inform them of a serious event.

I would think that those who cared for her would respond almost immediately by return and that she would be grateful for their well wishes but also grateful that she didn’t have to engage in conversation.

I think your hairdresser example is a bit OTT, but whatever - you can change hairdresser for any reason you like so I'm not going to get upset about that.

In respect of friends, my view would be a bit more nuanced I think. eg, I don't particularly care if someone doesn't reply to a message once or whatever. But when there's that one person who consistently doesn't bother, I'd probably taper off contact. Similarly, I dont' mind if I suggest meet ups more often, but if it's only EVEr me, then I'm going to stop suggesting them after a while. So I guess my short answer is - once off is fine, consistently is not.

dont send them if they dont reply, no point, we managed fine without them in the past.

Just to say that ticks going blue doesn't mean she listened to the voice notes - it just means she opened your chat. She may have - you have no way of knowing when she listened to them. Maybe it was 3 weeks later. May it wasn't.

Assuming this is WhatsApp.

Devil's advocate - I hate voice notes and will go out of my way to put off listening to them. Someone sending me voice notes on a weekday means I can only listen to them after work - which is always rather a busy time with shopping and cooking so it slips my mind. I've been known to put them off for weeks. However that's about random voice notes rambling on about everyday stuff - different if we're talking about a situation where I know a friend is going through a health thing.

Hope all is improving with your health, I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. Sending well wishes.

If you take offence at this, it would be a sign we we're not meant to be friends- I'd rather find that out sooner than later to avoid disappointing you. I agree words and acknowledgement matter - save the compliment until next time you see your hairdresser, it's more appropriate then.

The amount of information/ communication these days is insane and I can't keep up. By the time I leave work - often late, rushing to pick up the kids - i have 20 personal emails (mostly junk but the odd relevant one which needs action) and 30 whatsapp messages, 5 school app notifications and a voicemail or 2. I'm screening for the ones that need urgently attending too. That's after often 50-100 emails per day in work. I'm Frontline NHS - my job is not computer based, it's seeing patients!

I can't be the only one drowning this way?!

Yes, but presumably, they didn't all phone immediately. Or all message back in the same instantaneous moment. It would have been dispersed over a period of time which was the objective of using messaging. And it also allows the transmitter of the information to respond to well wishes as and when rather than feeling obligated to do the very thing that was being avoided by using a messaging app in the first place.

Thank you @AlpacaMittens ....
Cute name 🥰

All is well now 🥰 ❤️

Absolutely agree with you re voice notes and I know how busy this friend is....so leeway was allowed!

But THREE weeks! It was the sort of news which would/should have horrified her once she listened to the VN

No matter.....I mean really, no matter because I like to learn about people. It's only in the information given (sometimes without them realising that they are giving it!) that we really get to know them

And she's a nice woman (just not exactly who I thought she was!)

I come from an era where you didn’t have social media, or emails, so life was much easier, a lot more things got done during daily life because there weren’t screens to constantly check, or ping messages that interrupted whatever else you might be doing (cinema, theatre, dining, at a shop counter, parenting a child, that sort of thing). It’s not a crime to ignore a bit of trivia every now and then, and it does make for a far less stressful life long term if you can prioritise the important/urgent from the having a fluffy conversation but not quite in person stuff. I’d just chill out a little bit and not worry about not getting an answer🙂

To me, messaging is a lower form of communication. If something is important and requires a response (like the message from a PP about illness or whatever it was) then a phone call is appropriate. If messaging is used then it can be replied to eventually, if ever, or wait until I speak to the person.

and

Indeed it could happen, and if I read it, I would decide based on the content, however I would also assume that the transmitter isn't requiring a particular response as they sent the news via a secondary form of communication.

I think you're walking back from your original position which seems to be that messages sent by text/WhatsApp inherently don't deserve urgent attention, or any response, otherwise the information would not be conveyed this way.

It doesn't matter if everyone tried to phone or message immediately, the poster was free to take calls or respond in her own time but ultimately she informed the relevant people, in a way that she wanted to control, the information that was important to her.

Your approach may be same as Dh's friend who never responded to the text news of Dh's injury which Dh was very disappointed about. He felt that this friend was not one he could have counted on support from if needed.

that was for @HappiestSleeping

I dislike needy texters like the OP so much that I now put my phone on "do not disturb" from Monday to Friday (I don't need my phone for work). While this is on no text messages can come through.

and I only turn my phone on to recieve messages at the weekends.

Well that's the thing isn't it? These people who CBA to answer your text/whatsapp message/DM because they are sooooooooo busy, seem to spend an awful lot of time posting on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, TikTok, or Twitter. 🙄

I actually said that I think habitual people who don't text back are people I tend to phase out of my life but....

.... I think this is a bit simplistic. I find myself on MN sometimes off and on between work tasks as a sort of almost but not quite mindless actiity? It's odd. I can have opinions or engage with people but I guess there's nothing loaded about it? I don't have to commit to a date and time, I don't have respond to something if I don't want to etc... It is a very different interaction to texting (although i am actually a very responsive texter, mostly!).

I'm with you @Anuta77 .And you don't sound needy.

Hate it too we soooo busy. I have a friend takes days to reply. I suggest a few dates to meet. Its just so much hassle now. But I accept people are busy. But puts me off planning things

I am tempted to look over my chats on whats app and see if I've done this to anyone, as when I read your post I thought "yeah I can be sensitive to that kind of thing too". But is it easily done and we don't always realise we've done it? I don't know.

The worst for me is a friend who drops off an unfinished exchange, then reaches out 6 months later to ask how I am... and then does not reply to my response and enquiry about them. What's the point? Then repeats 6 months later. After a couple of years of this, I'd rather she didn't bother tbh. I find it more confusing than rude.