Being sensitive when friends don't reply to messages (having seen them)

[Anuta77]

Just to be clear I know that everyone is busy and are not obliged to immediately reply to my messages. I totally get not feeling like replying at the moment and even forgetting. It happens to me. But even if I forget, I end up remembering the unanswered message and reply something saying sorry, got busy, .... I also think that if one forgets the message, if they somehow think of you one day, they would open the messaging app and would see that they never answered something.

If I have nothing else to contribute to the conversation or someone sends some info that doesn't require a full answer, I at least acknoledge with some thumbs up or a heart or whatever.

By the way, I am very busy myself by the way, with kids, work, renovations, etc. I just think it's the polite thing to do.

So when friends just see my message and then never reply, it bugs me, especially when it happens several times. I obviously don't throw a tantrum or say anything, but it turns me off and makes me less motivated to start a conversation again. The worse is that it happens even with my close friend who's strong on manners.

I even changed hairdressers after I sent one hairdresser some info we discussed during the haircut and told her how my husband loved my hair. She ignored my message (she's very active on facebook and I could see that the message was seen), I found another hairdresser.

AIBU? How others react to their messages being ignored?

Completely agree. I have a friend like this and the neediness drives me mad.

Sorry OP, I think you need to look at yourself here.

It depends on the situation. A non-acknowledgment from my hairdresser wouldn’t bother me. But if it was something that required a specific reply then I would find it very frustrating.

The hairdresser example is the very definition of needy!

I have been occasionally guilty of not getting round to answering texts but I do think some people get a kick out of not replying especially when someone is waiting or expecting a reply.
It seems people do it because it's been done to them and they do it back so not to look too keen/needy.
It's especially not cool for my teens to text friends back straight away if at all.

I think this communication style started with online dating and moved onto social norm.

Totally with you op. Ignoring someone is incredibly rude in my book. It literally takes 1 second to send a thumbs up or say " great"(or whatever is appropriate).

I learnt recently that if someone consistently doesn't match my energy then there is no point in continuing. It saves a lot of heartache and angst

Thank you. High maintenance or demanding in my opinion would be throwing tantrums like my sister does when I'm not available to do an activity with her or make plans last minute.
I don't break up with people or even tell them anything, I just don't feel like writing back to them when I know that they saw my message and didn't bother replying. If they write, I answer as if nothing happened. We are all entitled to our feelings.

That's exactly how I act. I have no issues if someone replies a few days later, but when they don't reply at all, I don't feel like texting. I don't break up with friends for that. But I am surprised with the amount of people who think that it's totally fine to never reply.

That level of sensitivity isn’t really compatible with modern communication standards OP.

I do think persistent non acknowledgement is rude but what can you do about it? People have different pressures in their lives which you may not be aware of. They have different standards and levels of receptiveness to electronic communication.

Some people work long hours and are unable to send messages during work hours. Others struggle with being “always on”. There are all kinds of reasons why people may not reply.

Its fair to be privately frustrated but it’s not reasonable to expect everyone to have the same level of neediness. For your own sake you have to let go a bit.

More than once recently I've gone back to my messages and discovered that the texts I'd sent had not actually succeeded in being sent, for some reason.

That person would have thought I didn't reply. I did, but the tech went wrong.

Most of my friends don't bear grudges about such mishaps, thankfully.

Maybe I was wrong thinking that I needed to make her feel good about her job and she found me weird, who knows. At the end, it's all about compatibility. Some people would find it too much, others would find it nice.
The new hairdresser who was recommended to me just reminded me about our apt tomorrow, I confirmed and she put a heart on the message. I absolutely didn't expect this from her, but it was a nice touch.
And she is busy, no longer takes new customers in the evenings and takes days to reply.
I don't struggle with face to face at all.

Depends on the message. If my message is light I’m not too bothered.
Dh messaged his good friend about a serious physical injury he had sustained. Could see it had been read by friend who never responded until confronted weeks later by his wife (asking if he knew) who heard about the injury from me. Apparently he had forgotten about the message.

Dh regards him differently since.

I’m really sensitive and I get a tad upset when i’ve asked a friend a question or try to meet up with no response. However this seems a bit obsessive and to change hairdressers because of a message is bizarre

Why dramatic? I could literally change hairdressers every 6 months and not run out for years. How does a business stand out when there's so much competition?
I worked a lot in customer service and received training including about customer psychology.
My new hairdresser is different.

Trust me, I don't write long message with trivial info. But if someone takes time to write long messages (like the friend I mentioned who then doesn't reply to my messages SOMETIMES), I somehow acknowledge any way. To be polite.

This doesn't bother me as I'm having half a conversation with a lot of different people over many days and I do forget to reply and so do they- there's a flurry at one time point but then we often just park it and then come back a little later. I would only think it was odd if a friend didn't respond to an invitation to go out, say in the same week, if it were more of a general thing or chit chat I would expect it to vary hugely. I'm not a very regular texter, but seem to do enough to have lots of friends and equally I'm not demanding on them in terms of reply, at least for a few days or even weeks sometimes. If I said 'are we going out tomorrow still?' I'd expect a reply to that, everything else is as and when.

You're just a customer! It's batshit to get arsey and change your hairdresser because they didn't reply to your FB message. Seriously, can you imagine how many they get?

I was kind of with you a bit until I read that.

You're reading too much into it.
I do find it weird that people defend not having to reply to messages, but then I am for some reason wrong to go to a different hairdresser (as if I'm the only one who changes hairdressers). Not owing anything to the others goes both ways. I ditched her because there are A LOT of hairdressers and I was not impressed. If she was the only one, I would suck it up, just like I do with friends. Nobody's weaponizing messaging.
Stop judging people and inventing stuff about them and you'll be a happier more balanced person as well.

Is it ok if we meet at 10 instead or do you want me to pick up milk

Yes these type of messages i would need a reply or would make sure I reply but general stuff no and the hairdresser thing is plain weird

You have a friend like what? I never mention it to the people so they wouldn't know. I also don't text a lot, and especially don't pursue people who don't text or reply. What's needy about that?

I'm sure the hairdresser won't be losing sleep because you chose another one because she didn't reply to you. She's probably grown up since school days so doesn't care.

OP you’re becoming really defensive, I can undrestand why ‘friends’ don’t reply to your messages, if you talk to them like this 🥴

I do find it weird that people defend not having to reply to messages, but then I am for some reason wrong to go to a different hairdresser (as if I'm the only one who changes hairdressers).

You're making no sense, sorry. All I've got to go on is what you've put. You liked the job she did of hair so much that you messaged her to say your DH loved it. Then because she didn't give you a thumbs up or whatever, you've binned her. That's exactly what you've said, I'm inventing nothing, and this refrain about there being lots of hairdressers - what does that even have to do with anything? Are you going to keep trying them all till you find one that both does a great job of your hair AND responds correctly to your messages? You're making messaging a condition of whether someone is worthy or not and that's daft because, as you claim to know, it's not an indicator of anything meaningful. It mostly means someone has time on their hands not that they care.

I’m similar to you op.

I’ve done a lot of work evaluating my friendships over the past few years.

And I came to realise that people who don’t reply / message much are not doing anything “wrong” (beyond lacking in common courtesy) , but they are simply different personality types to me and some of them weren’t meeting my friendship needs. Which was my problem not theirs.

For example one of my “best” friends I’ve known since age 5 rarely messages and there’s no depth or substance to her messages, it’s like “how are you?” “Fine thanks” and that’s it. BUT she’s still my friend. She travels 2 /3 hours each way to see me each year, never forgot my birthday once in our 35 year friendship. So she is a friend, she just doesn’t “do” WhatsApp the same way as me.

I threw myself into meeting new friends. I now have two friends who I exchange long(ish) voice notes with a couple of times a week & really connect on an emotional level. I love it. But some people would find that unbearable.’

we’re all different, but we need friends who meet our emotional needs.

Thank you. I'm very surprised about the amount of people thinking it's needy when you don't expect instant replies, don't pursue people or tell them off.
I totally agree about matching your energy.

You changed your hairdresser because she didn't respond to you telling her your husband liked your hair?? 🤦‍♀️ Wow 😲 I don't even know how to respond OP 😂😱😂