Being sensitive when friends don't reply to messages (having seen them)

[Anuta77]

Just to be clear I know that everyone is busy and are not obliged to immediately reply to my messages. I totally get not feeling like replying at the moment and even forgetting. It happens to me. But even if I forget, I end up remembering the unanswered message and reply something saying sorry, got busy, .... I also think that if one forgets the message, if they somehow think of you one day, they would open the messaging app and would see that they never answered something.

If I have nothing else to contribute to the conversation or someone sends some info that doesn't require a full answer, I at least acknoledge with some thumbs up or a heart or whatever.

By the way, I am very busy myself by the way, with kids, work, renovations, etc. I just think it's the polite thing to do.

So when friends just see my message and then never reply, it bugs me, especially when it happens several times. I obviously don't throw a tantrum or say anything, but it turns me off and makes me less motivated to start a conversation again. The worse is that it happens even with my close friend who's strong on manners.

I even changed hairdressers after I sent one hairdresser some info we discussed during the haircut and told her how my husband loved my hair. She ignored my message (she's very active on facebook and I could see that the message was seen), I found another hairdresser.

AIBU? How others react to their messages being ignored?

I cant believe you fired off your hairdresser over that. Sorry OP, but I agree with PP, this is very needy behavour There could be multiple reasons why she didn't reply, but you've chosen to act this way. It's very strange .

People are being so weird in this thread.

OP it's entirely your prerogative to take your business wherever you want, for whatever reason you want to.

There's been no spitting of dummies, just a simple decision to go elsewhere.

In terms of messages and friends, yeah if someone wasn't replying to me, personally I simply wouldn't be inclined devote the energy in sustaining that friendship. I would rather spend time on the friendships that I have that are balanced and mutual and have a similar level of care and respect. I would also assume they are fine with that as they are showing I am low prerogative for them. That's assuming no major issues going on for them of course. But barring that, nah, life's too short and friends are too numerous.

I personally own being needy and obsessive. If you want a chat I’m your person. Unless you’ve left me on read in the past. I hold a grudge.

People can be super busy that’s fine. I’m also busy but have a select few people I stop and chat to. Plus I don’t take a thumbs up too well either.

it doesn’t bother me if someone is incredibly slow to reply to me. Equally I’m very relaxed about timescale when responding to texts and WhatsApp’s. Anything urgent would need a phonecall, while texts emails letters WhatsApp’s are non urgent.

I could find you unhinged too because of your judgement. Yes, she cut my hair just fine after I told her what to do. I have long hair, it's easy. ANYONE can do that.

Thank you, I really don't know why people are so obsessed with the hairdresser. I didn't offend her, I found another one. And like someone said, she surely didn't lose sleep over that.
My new hairdresser just acknowledged my acknoledgement of her reminder of our appointment tomorrow. I absolutely don't need or expect that, but it's a nice touch. In the case of the other one, I send her info about something we talked about it, it wasn't just a compliment, but people chose to ignore it.

YANBU at all @Anuta77 But you have come to the wrong place here. Most people on Mumsnet apparently don't give a shit if people read their message and don't respond for 3 days, (or at all even!) They probably do it to people themselves.

In the real world, it's rude, and ignorant. And many people ARE pissed off when people leave them on 'read' and can't be fucked to reply for days - if at all. I know a few people who CBA to respond until you message them again 2-3 days later. Rude as fuck.

NO-ONE is too busy to send a quick message back. Even the same day will do! It takes a few seconds FFS.

The hairdresser thing is weird and that's why we focus on it

I'd be more uncomfortable with the hairdresser sending me a heart, which feels too familiar, than them not replying, when they're a busy working woman.

Some people find a thumbs up super rude, others think it's a good acknowledgment when no reply is needed.

It's nothing like walking away from someone in person. In person conversations will often have natural lulls. Not replying can be that. Answering in person, with physical tells etc can be easier than trying to find the right words to message back

We can all change hairdressers.

To leave one you trust to do your hair because she didn’t reply to a message is not… typical behaviour, amongst anyone I know in RL.

I can’t stand the way phones and messaging make us apparently available, on demand, and at the back and call of anyone who contacts us.

It is annoying if you are trying to make arrangements and people don’t reply, but I can bear the pressure of people wanting / needing replies to every message and taking it personally if I don’t reply fast enough.

That's exactly how I view things. I never send random things because I don't think it would interest anybody and I'm not trying to waste anyone's time.
I have a similar sister, who told me that her communication style is answering with 1-2 words and since I know it I don't get offended but communicate less, because it's not my style.

Thank you. People vote with their money all the time, and sometimes for trivial things. And it doesn't even mean that I'm upset, I simply felt uncomfortable contacting her next time as if nothing happened, because I believe that saying thank you for a compliment is so easy.
Totally agree with you about friends.

I love this! My husband was laughing now how I'm called high maintenance and I'm starting to like this term applied to me LOL.

Thank you.
Yes, it's like one of the previous posters said, they are busy to reply to their friends, but then spend time replying to strangers on forums (because judging is more interesting?).
I know how judgemental people here are, but among those there are messages that yours that resonate. I know we are all different, but some people do think like us and what we have to do is find likeminded friends instead of focusing on those who think it's ok not to reply. I do have friends who always reply...eventually.

I see that I didn't give the right example with the hairdresser. I trust all of them, it's not difficult to make a degradé based on what I explain to them. I was actually looking for someone who could give me advice, and not replying to my message just accelerated things. It she was amazing, I would have sucked it up.

But I also include people with whom I'm trying to make plans and who don't reply and I should have focused on those.

I don't think the phone makes us too available. I think most reasonable people don't expect an instant reply (I wouldn't have tolerated it either). I don't mind even replying in a few days, but I don't understand not replying at all especially when I ask a question.

Yes, she cut my hair just fine after I told her what to do. I have long hair, it's easy. ANYONE can do that.

Okay so you weren't that impressed with her after all, so no need to get into messaging her. You said before that you did so thinking it would make her feel good. That and you liking the new hairdresser hearting your message makes me think that it's less neediness and more the seratonin hook of getting responses. It's a known thing and makes sense of your emphasis on this, wanting the reaction and overreacting (in many PP's 'judgement' or simply perspective) when you're not getting it. A heart or thumbs up is a sign of nothing really but it gives you that little lift and if you don't get it, the feeling of being miffed is disproportionate. You could say the same is happening here, it all works the same way with lifts from the PPs who agree with you and upset at those who don't. We all get it, but to make too much of it is insidious and it does feel like you're going that way.

I voted YABU but I think it's a generational thing. To me, messaging is a lower form of communication. If something is important and requires a response (like the message from a PP about illness or whatever it was) then a phone call is appropriate. If messaging is used then it can be replied to eventually, if ever, or wait until I speak to the person.

Pretty much everyone I know thinks the same way.

My new hairdresser just acknowledged my acknoledgement of her reminder of our appointment tomorrow.

Stuck in a mad acknowledgement loop.

OP do you SRSLY have kids and job and renovations on? I have a job and a kid and a huge whole home renovation to manage and I have absolutely no bandwidth for anything else. Trivia like this wouldn't even register.

Did she specifically ask you to send her info?

I have a mum friend who regularly takes weeks to reply to a message, I do think it's a bit rude BUT she's a single working mum and I just think she's genuinely really busy. She definitely could reply sooner because I see she's active but equally I don't know what's going on with her and when we meet up we have a lovely time.

I have another mum friend who messages regularly, like most days or every other day. People are different.

I understand where you're coming from, but also I think for the sake of your relationships you need to lower your expectations of people.

Of course there's been 'spitting of dummies', the OP is willing to change hairdressers (to one that she doesn't even know will do her hair as good as her recent hairdresser), all because of a non reply to a text!
That's bizarre, and she's probably cutting her nose to spite her face.

Just when I thought your responses couldn't get any more unbelievable OP, now you're saying 'anyone could do that'

Erm, no they couldn't! If they could then there'd be no need for hairdressers would there? As everyone would just get family or friends or anyone for that matter to cut their hair! Even long hair should be sectioned properly to get an even cut, it's not just a matter of snipping a straight line across the bottom!

I also think you sound completely over the top, and I imagine your hairdresser will actually be glad she's no longer going to have to deal with you (that's if she even ever notices you've taken your custom elsewhere), as she probably got the vibe you were trying to be over familiar with her by sending her info when your appointment was over.
The hairdresser KNOWS whether or not she's done a good job, and as long as you're happy with the results in the salon she doesn't need 'validation' of her cutting skills by your husband.

And as for the new hairdresser sending hearts, you shouldn't read anything into that, as after all, she wants your money.

It's you who is struggling from taking offence OP, not those who you are angry with. We live in a busy communication age, where most people have a lot of chatter going on. If you find it easier not to talk with anyone who's busy then that's fine, but it doesn't make sense to make up motives that may not exist, when the more likely explanation for no reply will be busy and forgot to reply, or entirely missed the message. Blue ticks are meaningless. Sometimes a message gets only half read if it arrives alongside other chatter, and sometimes people simply don't have time to reply immediately and then forget they didn't send anything.

In any given week, I will have around 20-30 whatsapp threads, 5-10 text chats, 50-200 email threads, 20-50 slack threads, 20-50 MS Teams chat threads, plus work meetings and meet-ups with friends or DS friends. This week I'm likely to prioritise my friend who has cancer treatment underway, my colleague with major client issues, 2 family birthdays, chasing hospital appointments and sorting out christmas / new year meet-ups. When there's time for a natter, great; but when there isn't I will not prioritise the one sensitive soul talking about their new hairdo above everyone else, and wouldn't apologise for forgetting to send a thumbs up about it. If someone like OP wants to take the hump, then they are only upsetting themselves, but fine.

You sound incredibly needy. I couldn't be friends with someone like that. You don't get to stamp your feet and demand someone else's time.

Constant offenders annoy me too OP (we are all guilty of forgetting or replying late the odd time). I think it's rude.

I understand that people are very busy. However I find it strange that they have time to read a message and come o a thread on MN about messaging, but don’t have time to send a short reply to someone who is supposed to be a friend.

Very rude in my opinion.