MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

@ByTidyHelper Are you the op reincarnated on here?

Just someone who sympathises with OPs plight and shares her frustration with ignorant people on mumsnet who don't bother to read all the information before voting/commenting!

Didn’t vote in the poll.

The poster is being unreasonable with respect to moaning about what the ILs do with their money which was the point I was making. I think my comment is quite clear. Not here for your pedantic response.

“you should have written… I hope you’ll be responding”

…who are you, my mother? 🤣

Yours really just heckling people who don’t agree, even those of us who have read every last word she posted.

People aren’t ” ignorant” just because they disagree with you.

Exactly this. It’s the vitriol towards her MIL and presumed entitlement to dictate how her money is spent that people are calling unreasonable.

Dictating what people should or shouldn’t buy a child is the road to madness. Grandmothers love finding clothes for their grandchildren. We had things my babies wore once, and things we ultimately didn’t use. It really didn’t matter. The thought was there and lovely.

This 👆👆👆👆
I didn’t really like slogan clothes or branded stuff, so I used to send my lo to nursery in those did I was gifted them. I remember getting a hand me down adidas tracksuit (love a hand me down!) and I sent lo to nursery in it, when I went to pick up the nursery staff were worried as it had paint on, but obviously I wasn’t fussed!
I used to try and make suggestions to mil, largely because she always wanted to get my lo the biggest present 🙄 but didn’t appreciate we lived in a maisonette with no garden until he was 5… one year we thought we got through to her we asked everyone not to buy anything big as we just didn’t have the space, list of ideas of things he wanted etc, she agreed. Less than 12 hours later oh got a phone call she’d bought him an electric ride in car 🤦‍♀️ we told her we had no where for it, her suggestion was we should keep it on the balcony and carried it down two flights of concrete stairs to use it… we left it at her house (3hours drive away) then she complained he barely used it by the time he outgrew it at like 5 years old

I’d just put him in the clothes.

I think your baby is very lucky to have a grandmother who wants to spoil/treat them/whatever you wish to call it. You can't dictate what your MIL buys. I think this is your MIL's love language. Ok it's not yours but her relationship with her grandchild is different to your relationship with your child.

I think you should reply with - that is lovely, can I have the receipts so I can return and buy what he actually needs? I am with you, buy what a child needs.

she wants to spoil ! She is a grand mum . And baby clothes are hard to resist . My mil sends whole lot of clothes even now for my 10 year old ! I’m always grateful . Yes his wardrobe is overflowing and some he hasn’t worn but amazing your child has beautiful clothes to wear ! I would keep some of the beautiful ones and pass it on to your grandchildren and some you can sell or donate . You can specify colour and type next time . Gifts are meant to accepted graciously . Don’t shun someone’s way of showing love !

‘Disrespect’ is IMO so overused on here. In the OP’s case surely it’s more like wilfully ignoring her clearly stated wishes. Or perhaps just not listening to them in the first place.

You are being rather annoying I’d say (in the nicest way possible). I understand you prefer toys but you can’t decide what people buy and I’d just be grateful. If you don’t want them sell them on/ donate them.

I usually have a wishlist of toys for my sons birthdays that people can’t just buy off if they aren’t sure what he’d like but it’s not a must.

i would just be grateful if I were you.

Or how about:

“As the season of goodwill draws near, I thought it best that I pre-empt any potential exercise of autonomy when it comes to choosing a gift for me/DC, and and have therefore attached a comprehensive list of purchases that will be acceptable to me so we don’t run the risk of you happening to spot something that appeals to you to spend your money on in the shops.

I expect you will respect my wishes and not depart from this List of Approved Gifts, as I do find that most frustrating. However, should you find yourself deviating or veering off course when purchasing, I hereby note that any Non-Conforming Gifts MUST be accompanied by a receipt so I can remedy the error of you spending your money as you choose and divert the FULL funds to a purchase of MY choice.”

Then she could maybe add a figure as minimum spend - or would that come across as bossy? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Despite my stance on gift buying and also my view on receiving gifts ….. my stance is probably because I am a very laid back person and things like this don’t personally bother me, life is too short to worry about what someone decides to buy my children despite ideas I have given, I am sorry about the disrespect your mil showed you after giving birth etc. Reading some of your replies, I’d say the gift buying isn’t your biggest problem and I’d prob try not to focus on that, but the other things your mil has done that personally I feel is 100% disrespectful need to be addressed, and should hve been addressed by your husband sooner (if he hasn’t already). I’d feel grateful she doesn’t visit often, I’d see that as a blessing and the best gift ever 🙈 what I’m trying to say, yes I believe gift should be graciously received regardless of what has been asked/requested but once gifted it’s up to you what you do with the said gifts. If you want to put your child in the outfits/clothes once or twice do it, if you want to sell them on, do that, and if you want to return them again that’s up to you. That doesn’t make you unreasonable, but I don’t agree that you can ban someone buying clothes, it’s their choice to waste their money on expensive clothes, however, I think you’ve bigger issues to deal with with regards to your mother in law than the clothing gifts. I’d focus on those. My mil buys crap and I mean crap, broken toys, wrong sized clothes expecting me to store for years (we have 7 children I’ve no room to store) Also like the baby grows that don’t ever be worn for practical reasons and it does my head in (literally will rant till I’m blue in the face) but I accept them graciously and then get rid. Like you I’ve more issues with my mil, lies, manipulation and mil’s very poor relationship with her son (my husband) I prefer to focus on them and save my energy rather than the gifts. Defo sounds like you’ve a lot to deal with xx

Because we have been new parents 🤦‍♀️.. and done the same 💩, hence we can give a perspective of a non new parent as new parents one day will also be non new parents who will also see where they were at fault… and what they wish they had done differently.. its call giving advice and putting things into perspective… btw I loved dinosaurs when I was a wee girl! That is stereotyping that dinosaurs are just for boys… against your own logic.. soon you will see what your child decides for themselves then you will also see on that one! Mum to 1DD and 2DS, DC all had a mix of toys that all out have to say boys have set things they seem to home to.. not all but a majority and girls tend to home to girl type of toys not always but alot of the time. DD as a little one loved pink and princesses off her own back, she also liked pink fluffy stuff..now likes skateboarding she is very good btw, hates anything pink and likes to dress like a a skater.. DS1 also liked pink fluffy stuff as young toddler.. now 10.. he very much hates anything to do with girls.. off his own back.. DS2 is quite severely autistic with complex needs, he really likes cars. All kids are different and what they like and how they themselves perceive their gender very much comes out by its self, they are humans who will say make uk their own minds and have very much their own personality which you see from birth really.. it just gets stronger. Enjoy your little human’s journey and don’t cut your nose off to spite your face.. one day you will need baby sitter especially if you decide to have more than one child!!

Personally I don’t like to buy new baby clothes for environmental reasons. I like the thought of reusing them and giving them new life. I also much prefer having less stuff in my home, I find practising minimalism keeps life simpler.

i recently had a baby and received countless outfits from friends and family. Mostly from my mother and MIL. A lot of it isn’t to my taste, and I’ve politely explained that we have enough but they keep buying more.

I pick out the outfits I like, take a picture and send it to them. I donate the rest of them. I take comfort in the fact that another family / child might love them and make use of them.

I feel it’s my right to dress my child in outfits which are to my taste (I did grow him in my tummy, after all!) and particularly for important occasions like his first Christmas I feel it’s ok to stand your ground and dress them how you like.

I wouldn’t pick a fight over it. If they ask why they haven’t seen him in a particular outfit, I say something vague about it being in the wash.

It's adding to ops work though isn't it? She doesn't need or want the clothes, she has to find something to do with them all because mil wants to indulge herself??

Please go back and re-read all your posts OP and highlight all of the negative emotive words you use. You really do come across as if you don’t like your mil and are spoiling for a fight.
Many people have disengaged family who are not willing to spend money. It sounds like your mil does send you many links but you refuse them all as suitable so she then just chooses something. You say she never buys secondhand so have you thought she would find this difficult?
As the thread goes on you’ve even started robustly rounding on any poster disagreeing with your assertion of how life should be which is even more telling.
Posters do realise your AIBU was about a very specific thing but are trying to tell you your attitude is not conducive to a good relationship with your husband’s family. Sadly you appear to be working up the righteous indignation to eventually going NC but have you ever thought how sad this would be for your child?
I had to wear many secondhand clothes as I grew up but had I known my mother actively made that decision for me (she would never do this) I would have had a very negative opinion on that.
Your child may be tiny now, but will have their own opinions too and what will you do then if they are contrary to yours?

I could not help but wonder if your obvious dislike of pil is what keeps them away? You may think you hide it but sadly I bet they get the message loud and clear.
Think how sad this will be for your husband and child, family are precious. Put aside your anger and try having a genuine heart to heart about the situation and why you wanted toys and I’ll bet things improve.

This is such a well-put post OP.

It really struck me how unreceptive you were to the suggestion that maybe your attitude needed addressing, and how quickly your ire ramped up. It definitely left me with the impression that the difficult dynamic is fuelled by you as well as MIL.

At the moment you have a MIL who is at least trying to be involved with your DS at some level. It may not be on script, but I would urge you to try to think of your DS and his best interests, not to mention your DH. There are far worse possible outcomes in a relationship than a pile of unwanted clothing. Perspective is a useful concept.

Maybe go Xmas shopping with her

I am trying to work out what kind of
people are in this group. Lots of posts are really nice, helpful comments and I'm sure they are gratefully received. On the other hand, there seem to be lots of people who enjoy brow-beating the poor person with the dilemma - and trashing other member's comments too. This lady isn't asking for advice on her relationship with her MIL and her post was to find advice on handling the gift problem. I just wonder if any of these disparraging comments would ever be said out loud as opposed to in print in total anonymity. This poor lady has now been told that everything is her own fault, MIL has every right to buy whatever she chooses and totally ignore the baby's Mum's request. In fact, she is such an insensitive person she might as well give the baby to the MIL who obviously know better and let her raise the child !

But you can’t control or dictate what the MIL decides to spend her money on. Clearly she enjoys buying clothes for the child. OP however can decide to throw them away/pass them on. It would be rude to try to tell someone else how they should spend their money, that isn’t what gifting is about.

@Nantescalling it's a shame isn't it.
People can't just give balanced view in a pleasant way.

@Firethehorse did you read ops original post. She says she has asked people 3 times now not to buy clothes and mil had still insisted.

Don't people get it! This is why op is here she she has already asked nicely several times and it's people like ops mil who drive people here.
People who do not listen.

The people who listen are not the problem.

Think all with their back up about seasoned parents option… might want to come back to this topic in say 2-6 years or when/if they have a second child and their opinion will most likely have changed.. I could understand OP being stressed about the mounds of plastic toys some family’s continue to buy while expecting you not to throw or donate anything out.. yes that is a complete nightmare.. but its clothes! Clothes are expensive frees up parents money to go and do fun things with little one instead.. you can not control what others buy. That is the whole point of a gift. I was one of these parents with my 1st and trust me the novelty wears out fast when reality hits of how expensive raising a child is.. besides north face jacket is very warm and great quality especially for this cold winter, they usually are made with dow natural fibers.. my oldest is about to turn 13, and I wish someone else had hit the cost of the north face jacket that I payed for… people don’t normally buy they things when kids get into adult sizes like my daughter who is taller than me.. enjoy it while it lasts, save the money to do the fun things or put towards a holiday but don’t moan when its saving you money…