MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

I had something similar. I inherited lots from my sister and found these gifts so painfully wasteful. Like you there were other things we really would of valued.
issue is baby clothes don’t sell for much. So instead of selling a £35 sleep suit for £7 I saved quite a few for friends I knew would have a lot less come their way.
but if receipts are an option I would go that way and get the money.

@Cazareeto1 I think that's literally the point of what op said

She wants to save money she doesn't need clothes she needs needs toys.

The reality that OP will soon discover that when you are buying a whole new wardrobe every 3 months to the 6 months to then year.. getting clothes instead of toys is saving you a shit load tbh.. because no matter when kids clothes fit for 1 year you still have to change their wardrobe every season.. winter to spring and so on, it all adds up to a very large bill in the first few years alone toys are in fact in the long run cheeper to buy.. and if you start the get them toys soon the problem becomes all the plastic crap that takes over your home.. which with a 7 month old I think OP said her baby is.. correct me if I’m wrong.. I’m sure you will anyway.. is still to get the play kitchens, sand pits,, toy cars,dolls or whatever toys are bought for the child which are HUGE!! and a pain in the arse to get rid of, which you will only get a fraction of the price payed.. MIL wants to buy designer clothes then think more of the resale once little one has had if lucky 3 months wear you will only loss around 20% of original price.. so you do the maths…

@Cazareeto1 your clearly well meaning but you have not comprehended or read the first post by the op.

She buys second hand, her clothes bill isn't expensive. She wants toys.

I haven’t read the whole thread but can you perhaps as a compromise ask grandparents to buy expensive items like shoes, coat etc. they can go out and spend a lot of money if they really want too! But you might feel better knowing shoes and coat DC can wear daily

Do you get to choose what people buy you as a GIFT?

Your argument is all around op saving money.

3rd time being told and by ops dh something else is happening here

I have read it all, and i personally think she is being a very uptight new parent.. (her kid is only 7 months old.. 🤦‍♀️) which 99% of mums on here were as a first time mum… but generally people do not get to pick what people buy as a gift unless they ask you if you have any idea what you would like.. a baby child is no exception. New mums need to remember that it comes off as ungrateful and a bit spoiled.. imagine a child saying this to gran at age 7 years old… its not what I wanted.. see how childish that really is? she is as mum getting left to get the fun presents like toys..

As a mum short of cash, I can completely understand op saying thanks but we don't need clothes. She's said this to everyone and yet mil is the only one insisting on spending money, wasting it on something that's simply not required.

Mil, anyone can spend their money on what they want, of course they can but this doesn't seem like a kind gesture for mil. It seems like she's doing what makes her happy.

Which again is lovely for her.

As a result I think op is also in the right for immediately selling these clothes on and getting money to buy what baby actually needs or put it into an account for him.
I'm sad for op though that she has this extra unnecessary work because her mil wants to indulge herself.

Wasting money? Indulge herself?! It’s MIL’s money!!
I can’t believe how entitled people become sometimes after they reproduce.

second hand toys are extremely cheap especially good brands like fisher price most are in great condition. Gumtree is fantastic for it, especially kids bikes as they get bigger.
no one said not to sell the clothes but if you have a family member who is willing to spend on clothes why not let them to it, suggest shoes… give a size up, say Iv got too much of this size if you really want to get clothes could you go for the size you don’t have.. make use of it free up the other cash. That is my point. Just don’t be ungrateful.. think that they cared enough to think of your little one when they saw it! But worst thing you can do with anyone regardless is tell them how to spend their money you will trigger them to spend more on that thing because you have had the audacity to tell them how to spend their cash. The better alternative would be to invite over and have a heart to heart, if there are good intentions it will be welcomed. some people are not the best emotionally at showing they care and show it with gifts (think of a penguin with rocks)

I can't imagine going against my dc wishes and spending a fortune on clothes if they said not once but many times, mum thanks but we don't need lots of clothes.

I can't imagine thinking, well they don't need them but I'm doing it anyway? I just don't know what type of person would do it?

@Cazareeto1 because the mil "won't be told". Again did you miss the part where she's been asked 3 times not to buy clothes and her dh has also mentioned it?

But you seem to think she's a reasonable person who will listen? She hasn't listened and this is why op is here!

Agree.

The type of person who enjoys buying cute baby outfits for her grandchild, and isn’t interested in buying plastic tat for a 7month old per order of her DIL. A very normal/ common type of person.

As you know, toys don’t have to be plastic and obviously aren’t necessarily tat. Is buying a collection of books tat? Is buying a (wooden) play kitchen that they can use for years tat? A balance bike etc etc etc

Buying what you want on the basis of what you enjoy shopping for is the very definition of a bad gift-giver. At least that is what I understood from a very early age.

Personally in hopefully many many many years from now if my kids start their own family, then I would probably want to help them especially if they were struggling, I’d probably ask them what would help and get that or do that, is they needed space off I’d trot but I do like buying baby clothes they are so sweet, I’d probably be guilty of picking up things if I saw them and thought of one of my hypothetical grand children. I think for grand parents they have been the parents they have had the jobs and the bills to pay dinner on the table every night they have had the struggle you have and may think of things they would have liked but couldn’t afford to buy. That’s why having a heart to heart is beneficial, like I said if there are good intentions it will be welcomed. It’s just keeping in mind the bigger picture. It’s hard when you are a first time mum, it’s a huge change to life from being pregnant to having an actual mini human to look after, and trying to establish yourself as a mum. It’s hard with hormones as well being all over the place lack of sleep and feeling shite when you feel you should be on top of the world. It’s normal. It’s just trying to remind yourself that there is life out with baby and you and partner, other people have feelings and thoughts.
saying 3 times with out maybe the heart to heart on why you want toys instead of clothes with out sounding like a demanding child whom was given a gift they did not want.. and suggesting if they can’t help but buy some clothes to go for x size and check in what sizes are needed. But if you don’t have a proper conversation and just saying don’t buy this buy this instead comes across as controlling.. if you tell them you are struggling to afford toys then they will understand and say but I have bought a lot of clothes and maybe bought too much of the sizes that you have too much of. Helps soothe the situation for all involved.

I always ask what our family would prefer we got their children, but I do always include a boutique outfit alongside their choice. For my own children I always say something they’d use and it’s usually toys or clothes. I wouldn’t be too upset if someone went against anything I’d said gift wise.

I actually don’t know why I do it, especially with babies but I always pop to my local baby boutique and get a few outfits 😂 my youngest was 4 months old when she went into newborn clothes and she had an array of outfits for the wrong season by that point! I kept hold of them and gifted them to my friends summer baby.

I do also use vinted/ charity shops etc and gift or donate my children’s clothes when they are outgrown.

this is were blurred lines on what you feel is a waste of others money to what you think your kid needs to being entitled/ being a 💩 person to buy gifts for. A Wooden kitchen can be quite an expensive gift to be asking a family member to buy… if the family member is on what is safer for kids (all depending on what the wooden kitchen or any wooden toy has been sprayed with, yes some cheep ones are sprayed with unsafe chemicals especially ones from eBay, Amazon and SHEIN)
you sound like you were brought up to be ungrateful and entitled to what people buy as gifts some people will get you what they can afford but really it’s the thought that matters that they cared enough to get something for you.. 🤦‍♀️

Lay the law down now. Fast forward 10years and what else will they be buying your child? Mine bought an iPod and I wasn’t ready for my child to have one. It was access to the internet when I felt she was too young. Same scenario. I think you can dictate in this day and age.

But it’s about to be Christmas OP? Surely you & DH can buy a few secondhand toys for your son if he hasn’t got any?

Any gift is thoughtful act from the giver. Declaring bad tiers of gift giving is very entitled.

”the law “

“dictate”

Do any of these gift stipulators actually listen to themselves?

I tend to agree internet access is a big one; but it’s the language that betrays a mindset.

You have totally misunderstood me and the context. Of course those gifts I mentioned are really expensive. But the point the OP made was that in the last year there have been 3 rounds of gifts of clothing - the first in excess of £250 of clothes. So they’re talking lots of money wasted. Which obviously as the recipient is painful to see.

My post was in response to someone in particular though who called toys ‘plastic tat’ which i think is pretty obviously not always true.

I am sure though that, unlike the OP, you love it when you tell your loved ones you’d like something for your birthday and they decide to buy 10 versions of something that you already have, year after year. That’s a great quality to have. I wonder what that’s called..

It’s not about “ loving it”; it’s about how far you go towards “ dictating”