MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

@Siamesecatlover "Some people are not as kind"

Oh come off it, it's hardly unkind to give a child a gift. It would be disrespectful to disregard your wishes around the upbringing of your child in a way which actually affects them, but it's not disrespectful to ignore your instruction (because that's what it is) about what to gift your child.

In her original post, OP asked whether she would be unreasonable to accept these expensive clothes and sell them on Vinted and everyone has piled on to tell her how ungrateful she is.

Completely agree with you i did the same oldest DD is now coming up for 13 yrs (week of Christmas I have 2 of my kids birthdays) MIL now has dementia and FIL passed away this year, one of my biggest regrets with our family is being so defensive and uptight with my first really caused unnecessary problems that lasted for years when I could have just said thanks. I Really regret a lot of things between me and MIL you never know how quickly things can change. Just now she is at end stage of complications due to her dementia it all changed so very quickly I just wish I’d known how drastically things would change in such a short space of time. Sadly this is when you realise how much someone actually meant to you, and how much you meant to someone. She has never forgotten who I am through out this, and the guilt is awful

Absolutely! The OP has said that her DH has lost his job and is currently setting up his own business but is not bringing in any income at all, so they completely rely on OP's wages from her full-time job. She has plenty of clothes for her child but not many toys but apparently she would be extremely unreasonable to ask her MIL to buy some toys instead.

She has also said that her MIL hardly ever visits to see her grand-child so just dressing her child in the expensive clothes when MIL visits, as some posters have suggested, would hardly justify the £80 price tag for a North Face jacket for a 1 year old who already has 2 winter coats.

In a previous thread, presumably written before her DH lost his job, OP talks about her DH going on holidays abroad with his family, leaving OP and the baby at home and her DH and his siblings paying for a holiday abroad for his mum's birthday next year, which OP has been told will be child-free, so she and her baby aren't welcome.

I mean this in the nicest way possible… please stop, just stop. You can not dictate gifts you receive, you are coming across as an impossible daughter in law to your in laws. It’s their money, it’s their gift you’ve explained about childminders etc in past, yet they still would like to buy their grandchild clothes. Just be grateful and acknowledge their kind gift!

I have asked my mother in law to stop buying certain clothing but for practical reasons. My children have ridiculously short legs so baby grows as all in ones just don’t fit. She ‘forgot’ this a few times till I showed her why they can’t wear baby grows past a certain baby age. But never would I dictate to her. It was my sons birthday a few days ago my mum asked for ideas, gave her some, she sent me pictures of two toys to choose from I picked one and she got none of the two she had been looking at…..I certainly wasn’t ungrateful it’s a gift just be thankful they bothered because there are plenty that dont

I think it was the long rant about why mil was so unreasonable not to “Follow The Instructions” about acceptable gifts.

People are commenting on the attitude.

If she had posted and just said “MIL has very generously gifted clothing that won’t be suitable. They are lovely items: do you think I can get away with quietly selling them on vinted?” she might have had a better response. In fact she even suggested asking for the receipts. Like that isn’t obvious.

I don't think that a gift that is all about the giver, rather than the recipient, is actually kind.

OP's DH has lost his job and the business that he has just set up isn't bringing in any income at all so they are completely reliant on OP's wages from her full time job.

The MIL, who hardly ever sees her grandchild, sounds like a self-absorbed and performative grandparent. Buying an £80 North Face jacket for a 1 year old who won't appreciate designer labels and who already has 2 winter coats but who needs some toys, isn't the kind gesture that you think it is.

I always ask the parents of my grand-children for gift suggestions for their birthdays and Christmas. Why would I risk buying something that was neither wanted nor needed?

my mum loved picking and buying clothes for my kids, can’t imagine telling her not to, just use them even for nursery

I’m a soon to be GM and MIL. I can understand the frustration of OP but also I know I love looking at baby clothes and would buy too many but my DH is my brake! I have asked my soon to be DIL and DS what they want/ need. I will have to stop reading MN as it seems that MILs can never do the right thing. It is a difficult relationship to navigate and I hope I can continue to communicate well with my son and DIL. We all have stresses and difficulties and sometimes a deep breath and taking time to respond ( from both sides) can avoid falling out. After reading MN for a while I am constantly second guessing myself.
My guide to being a decent MIL so far is don’t be too involved with GC, be very involved, don’t buy clothes buy toys, don’t buy toys as no storage, visit after birth, don’t visit, wait to be invited, advise, don’t advise ( on anything to include the birth, pain relief, breast/formula feeding, routines, sleep, weaning etc). I am adding to the spreadsheet regularly. I am so worried I now write draft messages and get a team of lawyers to check before I send! 😅

@Siamesecatlover

Urgh my in laws are the same. Brand new clothes worth hundreds of pounds from next etc. I know next isn't like the white company but I'm quite happy shopping at the local super markets for clothes. My little girl is also one in December and everyone but my in-laws ask every year what to buy for Xmas and birthdays for my 1 year old and my eldest who is 4. I use an amazon wish list for me and my husband and just ask them if they want to buy off there when they ask. Then my children get exactly what they ask for and not two of the same thing or something they don't want.

One year the in laws asked what to get them then ignored my request and ended up buying a soft toy from build a bear with all the bells and whistles. Cost them 50 quid and that was with a 25 quid money off voucher. I'm sorry but what 3 year old wants a soft toy!! That is an insane amount!

It's really hard to not sound ungrateful but truthfully I'm not grateful! Its not too bad for us because 90% of our family ask us what they want and it's just her which equates to the 10% who buys aload of tosh

And I don't know about you but my one year old is barely dressed. She wears a clean baby gro and vest most days unless we are going out and then she only wears leggings, top and cardy

My mum is car boot and charity shop obsessed. She loves when March comes around as that's when then car boots re open. We are far from stingy but absolutely love a good bargain. We are the types of people who shout from the rooftop of a recent purchase that cost a fraction of the price whereas they boast about the opposite

Sorry my grammar is shocking. I'm rushing!

I really sympathise with you OP. We ended up with quite a lot of unused stuff when our baby was born but then they hardly had any toys. Luckily we have been able to communicate this to family and friends and they only get us what is needed now, at our request.
It is rude and selfish by the gift giver to give gifts you have specifically said you don't want.
The best case you can do here is sell them on and buy the toys you want with it.
Alternatively, me being petty, would get MIL something she completely dislikes nor needs for Christmas. Maybe clothes that are too big/small or not her style for her and see how she likes it!

Someone below pointed out that the poster has some history with her in laws and there certainly appears to be quite a lot of tension when they arrange family holidays without her - we only hear her side of the story but one thing for sure - it looks like both sides are firmly engaged in a battle. What a load of unnecessary misery.

I can understand your anxiety @TodoRonnieRonRon !

I’m a DIL myself; yet I think a lot of DILs on MN have Princess/ control issues.

No. You’re missing their point.
It’s not up to you what they buy for their grandchild. You can state a preference if you wish, but that’s it.
You sound very entitled and controlling. This will only lead to family upset and drama if you continue.

What makes you think you can dictate what gifts another buys for your child you should just shut up and be grateful

Exactly.

I ask my brother and sister in-laws what their children would like for birthdays and Christmases or check that they still have the same interests because one set lives in another country and the other is 5+ hours drive so we may see them once or twice a year. Kids’ likes and dislikes change in an instant and I also don’t know what they can and can’t have. I wouldn’t want to waste money on a gift that won’t be used and why buy something you know the parents have said no to unless to be disrespectful.

My parents ask because they only see the kids once a year and dad struggles with the DS2’s accent 😂. In-laws learned to ask after seeing that we already had similar toys they bought and the kids weren’t interested and due to one of our children being autistic so there are certain toys we cannot have.

Giving is definitely about the recipient and if more people factored that in, instead of people expecting others to just lump it regardless of what has been said maybe there would be less waste.

Sorry but parents absolutely can dictate what gets given to their child by others. Their child is 1 year old and can't even dress himself let alone appreciate gifts like clothes. It's the parents who have to take the gift, store it, use it (or not) and if it's something that just adds unnecessary waste and faff to their life why should they just blindly accept everything they're given and never say a word just because that's what MIL wants? Some very selfish people on this website!! OP just wants her child to have things he can enjoy, not duplicate or unnecessary items that end up in landfill or sold for a fraction of the cost they were bought for. Maybe she actually gives a crap about waste and doesn't want someone else wasting their hard earned cash on items that are unwanted, or doesn't want to have to dispose of said unwanted items.

I think “Do not disrespect me by buying a gift outside of my exact specifications” goes hand in hand with ”My MIL rarely visits”.

LOL wow hope you don't have any children with that attitude!!

People really honing in on the word disrespect. "Disrespect" / "go against" / "ignore" - does it really matter what word OP used as they all mean the same thing i.e. MIL does what she wants regardless of how others feel. Doesn't sound like a very thoughtful MIL to me.

Of course words matter.

They really dont matter as much as half the people on this thread are making out. The OP probably didn't even think about the choice of words that intently when writing the post as the main point of the post was to ask if it was ok to sell on unwanted gifts to make space and money for things they need. NOT to solicit opinions on whether her use of semantics relating to her MILs total inability to follow simple guidance is some kind of issue. Ffs get a grip people.

YABU - their money to do what they wish.

At the same time it’s up to you what you do with them. If you feel comfortable enough to ask for the receipts then do that - you have the option of a refund to spend on what you need, a voucher or swapping for the next size up so that you don’t need to buy clothes next time. If no receipt then use them or sell them.

I understand waste but is this really a battle that is worth fighting?

OK so you should have written YANBU then as the whole point of the post / poll was asking people if they thought it was reasonable for OP to sell unwanted gifts. I hope you'll be responding with an update to correct your previous post!