MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

One thing I forgot to add in the main post is that my husband was laid off in July and has been trying to build his own business since then but yet to make any income. I am the only earner right now and money is not in abundance therefore both our families know that we are very appreciative of gifts we've said our son needs etc which right now is toys. For me it's the selfishness of only buying gifts you want to give rather than what the receiver will actually find useful. I personally would never do that but seems some people are not as kind.

If you can't take them back (and I'm with you on not having expensive clothes for children) then sell them on vinted. Put the money into a savings account or whatever suits you.

Annoying but pick your battles.

That said, it's amazing how many baby clothes we got given didn't fit and when we went to exchange for a bigger size they didn't have that item in stock and my child miraculously ended up with something far more suitable.

Something tells me they would not provide gift receipts - they wouldn't operate on the assumption that their gifts are anything less than 100% perfect.

On the one hand it does seem a bit ridiculous, but lots of people do dress their children in expensive clothes. And at the end of the day it's their money to spend as they wish. OP might have different priorities but one really can't dictate what gifts people must buy for one's children.

Not a hill worth dying on. Just roll your eyes and let her get on with it. The cute baby clothes phase is ridiculously short.

I've come to realise that most people buy gifts to enjoy the process of looking for the gift, buying the gift, then giving the gift, and finally being thanked or seeing the gift. Less so the recipient.

Some get a dopamine hit from this and it has to be expensive, cute or enough of a bargain to get that hit. Some have to get the thank you or the photo to get the hit, others don't care if you even use it. Some don't even need to actually buy it just spend lots of time looking, talking about it with you and sayinh they will and then they've got their hit and forget all about it.

Very very few will actually ask you what you want and get it

You cannot control every aspect of everything relating to your child. I agree with PP - pick your battles. This one isn't a matter of safety, morality or fundamental upbringing issues, let her enjoy buying clothes.

But buy giving you clothes you don’t need to buy new ones and therefore can spend the money on clothes? There are way more people in your babies life than just MIL, making out that the baby won’t have any toys because MIL didn’t buy them isn’t particularly fair.
It’s also mid November! There’s nothing to suggest she won’t pick up a toy before Christmas.

1 year olds need hardly any toys.

You are right - it would be nicer to listen to your request. But some people don't operate that way and although it's not how you would spend the money, it's their money to spend.

I hope your situation improves soon! If you get clothing try not to seethe over it as that will only harm you. If you really don't want to use it, sell it on and put the money toward toys and other things your child actually needs. 💐

YANBU.
this is about more than just picking your battles, this is about respect and her ignoring something you’ve said is important to you. It will onto get worse and apply to all sorts of issues in the future.
Find the right way to say it and say it.
If people are spending money on your son, he deserves it to be for stuff that can actually help him develop and bring him
joy (toys), not stupid clothes.

Just use the clothes as you would any other clothes. Better they get used and covered in paint rather than not worn at all

take a photo of DS in new clothes, sell new clothes on Vinted, buy toys.

Let them buy what they want to. You can’t really dictate what they can or can’t buy for their grandson, unless it was something harmful.. Let your son wear the clothes.

THANK YOU!! exactly this it's disrespect thing. If someone has said multiple times not to do something and someone still does it then that is just selfish and disrespectful. My family have all respected our wishes, it's only the in laws that don't.

You sound ridiculous. The child can go to nursery wearing a ten pound outfit or a two hundred pound outfit and it will get dirty and be washed just the same.

If you know they're going to buy clothes, you buy second hand toys.

I understand your frustration, however it would cling for me on whether MIL asks you what you want first, then buys clothes, or doesn't ask.

My family and my in laws do this. Part of it is because baby clothes are cute and definitely for my mum and MIL, it’s the fact they have money to buy nicer clothes now and they didn’t when me and DH were babies. Buy a load of stuff from Vinted for the childminders, painting, playing in the park but you can still get wear out of nice clothes. Even just popping to the supermarket, they can wear something nicer and then if you decide to paint after, just change the clothes. They don’t have to live in the stuff you’ve bought from Vinted, they can wear nicer things too.

You'll keep the clothes relatively nice and be able to sell them on Vinted later. If there is something your DS absolutely won’t wear because it’s impractical then just sell it on Vinted. I take the view that nice clothes come from family and I will buy the bulk of stuff to be trashed at nursery and in the park. I’ve also started asking family to buy character clothing for DC because I don’t want to pay that much for a character top but I know DC will love it.

This is ridiculous OP!

all children need clothes and you are being intentionally stubborn.

She’s not buying manky clothes from a charity shop that reek of cigarette smoke or buying age inappropriate massive kids clothes.

pick your battles and wind your neck in. Oh and say thank you. Stop being so controlling

It's not about whether he can wear the clothes. You are missing the whole point. Of course he CAN wear £200 clothes but if he does then that's £200 wasted rather than being spent on lots of other toys or items that he CAN actually enjoy and that WILL be useful and appreciated by our family and not a complete waste of money. The clothes are being purchased IN PLACE of the toys we've said we really need (see my post regarding our financial situation right now). So it's utter selfishness to not respect our wishes which we have made abundantly clear.

Any expensive clothes we recieve will be immediately returned or sold and I'm not feeling bad about it.

Your values are your values. Your choices are yours.

You cannot make them for other people - which is what you are trying to do

It is totally reasonable that you have made suggestions as to what your child needs and would be a good gift. You sound very sensible.

However it's a gift and your job is to gratefully receive it (maybe with gritted teeth) and then do with it what you will

I think you're being very unreasonable. It sounds as though your mother in law doesn't like to think of her grandchild wearing secondhand clothes from Vinted and it clearly gives her pleasure to buy some nice things for him. I was able to afford to buy new clothes when I had a baby, and would never have willingly let her wear secondhand things so I understand how your mother in law feels. Why can't your son wear nice clothes to nursery? And do you know that your mother in law isn't going to buy him the toys you've asked for as well as clothes?

Since having my baby I’m staggered how much people spend on clothes. I’m on a few baby groups on Facebook and people talk about being gifted multiple prams/bouncers/clothes etc. I go to baby sales and the amount of stuff people have to sell is crazy. I imagine alot of it comes from family similar to your in-laws. I do think it’s unfair they don’t follow your request for some toys, and then could still buy a couple of outfits if they really love doing that.
i would find it frustrating to be given loads of clothes tbh, babies grow so quick it’s such a waste of money whereas toys can last a bit longer. I’d just ask for thr gift receipts and take back and buy some toys.

Wow you have missed the whole point of the post. Well done

Why not flip it though? Why do you have to have second hand clothes and new toys?

You sound grabby with bizzare morals around buying.
Did. MIL even ask what to buy or did you send a cheeky message prempting?

They can spend their money how they like, but as you say, if he is not going to wear them you may as well sell/ giveaway.

Not really sure anyone is being unreasonable - so much as not really thinking!