MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

I get it OP, but my honest advice is to not sweat the small stuff if they're otherwise loving, supportive grandparents- if they're not, then you have bigger issues than clothes anyway. Really, it's better to be tolerant of minor annoyances and save difficult conversations for the things that really matter. Yes, it would be great if she would rein in the spending on unwanted clothes, but at the end of the day it's her money to spend. You could either use the clothes day-to-day despite the expensiveness and spend your clothes budget on toys, or sell them and use the money to buy toys.

My MIL did the same sort of thing, and I did gently ask her to cut back and suggest other things that he would like more/would be more useful. But it gave her joy, and in the end I kind of figured that I probably do things that irritate her too and it was better for absolutely everyone to not have disagreements over it. Plus, the fact that I wasn't trying to control this sort of stuff meant that on the rare occasion that I did need to say something about a bigger issue, we were able to deal with it productively because there wasn't tension in the relationship.

It would be different if she was buying something dangerous, like toys with very small parts he could choke on, or very unsuitable films or video games.

I also think that she's likely to be more inclined to buy toys as your little one gets older and she can see them enjoying toys more. People always buy clothes for babies because there's so little a tiny baby can actually 'use', and maybe she's still in that mindset. Perhaps next time you see your baby really enjoying a toy at a toddler group or something you could send her a video and say something like, if you're still looking for present ideas, Bob absolutely loved this at xyz place.' I remember feeling absolutely swamped with clothes (although we were very glad to have them) in the first year or so and then it was wall to wall toys after that!

Yes, totally agreed. But unless I’ve missed a post OP is nowhere near ‘dictating’ terms. Her MIL would send her links of clothes and she’d politely say ‘thank yoj but we have one or two already etc. and then I’m advance and I think in response to question about gifts gave some options which weren’t expensive and not clothes.
she asked her husband to speak to his mum. Which you would hope any grown man could do nicely and with appreciation to his own mum.

Also, I agree with PP who suggested a bit of gentle steering if they really want to buy clothes. I started saying something along the lines of 'you always find such lovely things, if you're planning on buying Bob clothes for Xmas, could you possibly try and get him some long sleeved tops/jumpers/pyjamas please?' Then I'd make sure I didn't buy him any of the items I'd asked for in the run up so the stuff he received was what he needed.

Lay down the law and dictate? Bahhabahha, who are you , hitler ?

So they’re talking lots of money wasted. Which obviously as the recipient is painful to see.

for the last time- it’s not oP’s money. There’s no need for OP to find anything painful unless she thinks she’s entitled to MIL’s money. She’s not.

I’m presuming that OP was not demanding someone else buy a wooden kitchen or a balance bike for her 9 month old baby 🙈

You ask , they ignore. Accept the gifts keep them until they are too small then sell them and buy toys.

@AMonkeysUncle "Lay the law down now. Fast forward 10years and what else will they be buying your child? Mine bought an iPod and I wasn’t ready for my child to have one. It was access to the internet when I felt she was too young. Same scenario. I think you can dictate in this day and age"

That's such a depressing post.

It's not saving the OP any money at all. Her child already has 2 winter coats so doesn't need an expensive £80 North Face coat. Her child does need toys so if her MIL bought those, it would be saving OP money. She won't do that.

OP's DH has lost his job and his new business isn't bringing in any money at all. OP is the sole wage earner. Why on earth should she be grateful for a ridiculous expensive winter coat that isn't needed?

This is just performative grand-parenting.

Well I buy White Company for my Dc at times, (their pyjamas are great), and they probably have more pairs than they strictly need ( though they do hand down well).

Is she worried about this “ waste?” Thought not. Because it isn’t really about waste (although that’s an emotive word to use) ; it’s about the fact she wants control of the money. She’s treating it as hers because it’s likely going to be gifted to her. But that’s not the same thing. It just isn’t.

There's a back story here - the relationship between MIL and DIL has clearly broken down and when that happens you can't persuade, demand or dictate - you're locked in battle and someone has to give way - the gifts issue is the tip of the iceberg.

Nail on head.

It’s the relationship that is the problem here.
And that was what prompted the post. Op knows the simple answer that she can not use the items if she doesn’t want to; she didn’t need to ask that. She wanted to gripe about MIL - which is why people are saying your attitude is not helping the dynamic.

Great Post & ideas but please to everyone who writes this, please just stop the 'would of' as in this post 'there are other things we really would of valued, it makes my toes curl 😂

Her child is 1 year old

Sometimes being rude is the only way to deal with a stroppy MIL who takes no notice of your polite requests. This could set a pattern for years to come unless DH steps up before it's too late. Maybe he is the one who should have dealt with the problem from the beginning?

I’m not sure. I’d probably just take the clothes, say thank you, then give them away etc.

“ before it’s toooooo laaaate!!!” 😱😱😱😱

Which in this context basically means they might get an annual bundle of clothes.

I’m with you @LadyGabriella.

Telling someone else to buy you stuff with their money is not a “polite request”.

You do realise the 1st birthday is really for the mum and dad… the reality of a child’s first birthday is the wee one will probably fall asleep, not understand what opening gifts is, so will probably be parents opening presents while the little one crawls or walks off.. the wee one will most likely fall asleep before cake or be cranky by the time it’s ready to be done, they will try and grab at candles and ut will be mum and dad showing how to blow them out. Wee one will grab a chunk of cake. The reality of a one years olds gifts is small amounts which increase as they age, one years old will not remember their 1st birthday. Or be much “involved” in celebrating as such. And the one year old will have more fun with the wrapping paper and boxes.. I have 3 kids, DD almost 13 DS1 almost 11, DS2 7.. Iv had and done 3 first birthdays and attended many friend's and family’s.. and that is how it generally goes.. 1years olds don’t need loads of toys they need parents clothes food and will enjoy playing with things like boxes, the laundry basket, remote controls, copying mummy and daddy.. and so on but most importantly playing with mum and dad with out toys.. while the toys sit waiting to be played with due to the toddlers curiosity on what mum and dad are doing.. that is the reality, give them till 2 they will have more enjoyment out of a lot of the toys bought at the first birthday.. kids don’t really fully get birthday and Xmas til around 3 years old.. then they are looking for toys not clothes.. enjoy it while it lasts the little stages are so short and it is very easy to spoil them

If you lot used your brains.. the resale value of the coat is around £75 if new with tags, and around £30-70 with out tags depending on condition (£30 being if coat was worn by a few different children, one child wear would only have a very small amount of wear probably look brand new with around 3 months wear) and which one it is (not all are £80 there are different ranges with different prices) so if she wore the jacket a few times then resell… MIL gets a pic of kid wearing it, then mum pockets upto £75 to get what she wants for her kid, everyone’s a winner…

As Iv said before can you pick what people buy you as a gift? If you bought a gift for you say niece then your sister told you I don’t want that I want this.. how would you feel?
with some people if you tell them how to spend their money they will just take the piss out of you and buy more of the same.. if you explain and talk like adult and say that you are skint and can afford toy because you have bought all the clothes, so in need of toys.. then I’m sure that would go down much better than saying this is excessive I don’t want this. Can you see how both could be seen in completely different lights.. it’s all about being an adult and talking. But the point being you can’t choose what people get you or your child as a gift.. you just can’t!

Imagine your child in a few years time saying to granny “I don’t need that I wanted this, I told you what I wanted a million times granny!!” Sounds spoiled do you not think?

I’m quite sure OP said DH quit job to start own business which isn’t making any money… maybe DH needs to try working part time at least while trying to get his business up and running to keep money coming in for his young family… instead of leaving all weight on his DW…

Yes you quoted me, with plastic crap.. and yes most family members will buy what they think on toys as well and will get the fisher price toys as they are usually the most wanted toys for kids.. most will go to toy shop and pick the colourful plastic toys not all will get what you select in only wooden toys and when your kid starts nursery or school, and kids are talking about what Santa is going to bring them they will have their little conversations about it, (like age 2/3 and up depending on the child) and they will pick the crap they see on tv the most wanted toy which is usually plastic crap! Why lie! I’m being 💯 honest with you as a parent who didn’t want plastic crap in my house. You can’t choose what people buy you or your child. And once your child has their own opinion and makes their own mind up on what they want Santa to bring it’s very difficult to not want to let your child down as they believe Santa has read their list and will bring what they want that mum and dad don’t usually buy.. like a said the reason parents like myself who have more experience due to having older children.. are giving advice as we have been there and done that and it’s a 💩 show! Your best understanding what you should be brought up as to appreciate what you given.. even when it comes to your child..

as for the fortunates spent on clothes take pictures of kid wearing them if don’t see MIL often, even some with the tags still on hidden in the background, then resell or regift to friends who have children or having children if it bothers you that much. Or you could save the money realise the are a small clothes size buyer and enjoy not buying clothes for the first 3/4 years till they stop buying as much then you will wish they still bought the clothes. What I do not understand is the MIL is buying brand new clothes kid is coming up for one, OP is buying second hand due to financial situation why not take the brand new clothes not buy the second hand clothes buy the things she likes and sell the rest that’s not worn or is in good condition she would then get money back, that is probably what MIL is thinking tbh. So she has got the option to use what she wants and resale the rest.. or keep aside for any future children.. I don’t get why you all don’t see the bigger picture.. granny’s will always pick up baby clothes a lot of them it’s been that long since they bought anything for someone that small they can get a bit ott but it’s not out of badness it’s because they think of their grand child every time they have picked something up for them.. if there is a lot of clothes that child has been on their mind a lot.. would it be better if they never thought of their grand child?

The OP's original question was whether she would be unreasonable to sell these unwanted clothes and buy what was actually needed and most posters have piled on to say she would be very unreasonable to do this.

I am a grandmother and I ask the parents what my grandchildren would like for Christmas/birthdays and I take their suggestions on board and buy what they actually need. Why wouldn't I?

Accept the gifts graciously, but not over-enthusiastically, and after MIL has gone back home, advertise the unwanted items for sale and buy what you want/need with the money you get.
My daughter, now 33 and expecting her own first baby, remembers clearly my Mum buying her lots of frilly dresses which she hated having to wear because the material was, so she says, all scratchy, but she knew she had to wear one of these dresses when visiting Grandma otherwise Grandma would be upset. When I was expecting my daughter I remember telling people when they asked, that I'd like baby onsies and underwear but didn't receive any

Clothes are just clothes - so what if he wears expensive dungarees to playschool, if that's what he has? Frankly, gifts should have a gift receipt, just in case they are the wrong size, or the recipient already has one of them...