If you could choose a man again

[Isshestillonthis]

What top traits would you look for and are they different to what you looked for/wanted when younger?

If I was single now I would 100% look for a man who makes me laugh, is very intelligent and positive and kind and finally, someone well established financially.

When younger I probably only thought about humour from the above list.

Kindness would be a big one for me now.

If I had my time again I wouldn’t bother!

LOL

I picked perfectly the first time. I'm looking now for the same again but it's much harder to find this time around.

Someone intelligent, practical and with initiative. I.e. they put up a shelf that has fallen down without prompting

I'd pay more attention to how he treats his family and the dynamic between his parents and his siblings. You don't think their parents matter when you're young or think that your special love will conquer the obvious issues, but the parents really do matter.

Kindness- yes! And actually niceness. Being nice is almost seen as an insult but honestly being married to a nice and kind man who genuinely is those things to everyone- it’s bliss.

Tried being married to a charismatic and charming man. Turns out he was a bit of a narc and a complete liar. So niceness for the win!!!

Similar outlook on life, look for the positives, wanting to spend time together talking, going to places together (what I looked for last time I was single around 8 years or so and luckily found after 2 yr looking).

That's a very unrealistic list!

I think it depends what kind of marriage you're going for. If you want a sensible union, I think that shared values, mutual respect, earning potential and some kind of sympathetic understanding between the two people are all necessary. If you're lucky it might turn into something wonderful but if not, and it often is not, at least you'll be able to run the same sort of establishment together.

If you want a shot at the dream, I think you have to have an extraordinarily good friendship before anything else which includes being able to make each laugh easily and the kind of sexual connection you can't imagine living without. And then you just have to take whatever comes with that. You don't get to have a list if you've been blessed - or cursed - with that. You can't give them up because no one else will ever be anything but second best. I don't think it is necessarily a good predictor of a happy life.

Humour.

Intelligence.

Kindness.

Curiosity.

Hygiene.

Energy.

It doesn't exist. So be single.

I'm not even bothering. It's just not worth it. I'd rather have a dog or a cat if I want company. I've been single seven years and there's not one moment when I have wanted a partner.

Someone with confidence, social, takes the initiative, does his fair share and is adventurous. and thinks before he opens his mouth.

and is a bloody grownup!

Kind
Easy-going
Practical
Financially savvy
Patient
Reliable
Curious and open-minded
Generous of spirit
Emotionally intelligent
Self-reflective
Capable of emotional regulation
Funny
Clever
...and Steady.

The least diplomatically worded question I've ever seen on mumsnet.

If I could choose a man again … I wouldn’t. I don’t want to live with a man again.

Humour
Tolerance
Spirit of adventure
Kindness
Into cuddling a lot
Curiosity
A lover of dogs and travel

Absolutely killers of passion would include even one of the following:
Bigotry
Small minded pettiness
Poor hygiene
Laziness and unfitness
Temper
Sulkiness

My husband has his foibles but I would pick him again and again. Absolute kindness, willingness to share financially and practically (even though we get it wrong sometimes and the balance tips from time to time), integrity and loyalty. I do wish we had more practical skills between us but he lost his parents in his teens so didn't learn how to put up shelves ... but I can't either.

I suppose if I could have my time again I would engineer it so we didn't meet until we were a bit older. Once we had met, we couldn't stop the train of wanting to build the life we have together (which is wonderful), but I have missed out on some experiences like living alone etc. and spent the first half of my 20s out of kilter with my friends.

I am single now - I have been for almost a year and a half, the longest time in my adult life. I'm loving it! It's made me really think about the qualities in a partner that work with mine.

Intelligence and thoughtfulness are absolutely top of the list. If they love dogs and are good at fixing things, that would be a bonus 😂

My jaw dropped at that comment. Some people have all the tact of a hammer.

Lack of temper
Not tight with money
Moderately easy going
A degree of ambition but not a workaholic
Prepared to compromise
Solvent
Practical
Has friends and interests locally
Intelligent
Not obsessed with sport
Able to laugh at themselves

I'd pick mine again. He's not perfect. And many of the traits people have listed I think "yeah that's a good un!" But ultimately he wouldn't be him.

Sarah Russell's if I had three lives poem sums up my feelings for my husband-

If I had three lives, I’d marry you in two.
The other? Perhaps that life over there
at Starbucks, sitting alone, writing — a memoir,
maybe a novel or this poem. No kids, probably,
a small apartment with a view of the river,
and books — lots of books, and time to read.
Friends to laugh with, and a man sometimes,
for a weekend, to remember what skin feels like
when it’s alive. I’d be thinner in that life, vegan,
practice yoga. I’d go to art films, farmers markets,
drink martinis in swingy skirts and big jewelry.
I’d vacation on the Maine coast and wear a flannel shirt
weekend guy left behind, loving the smell of sweat
and aftershave more than I did him. I’d walk the beach
at sunrise, find perfect shell spirals and study pockmarks
water makes in sand. And I’d wonder sometimes
if I’d ever find you.

Humour is a biggie for me, thays how I met my DH. He took the P out of me and made me lol!

Since he died in 2016, I havent really looked for another man.

If I did though, I'd want someone whose values and intelligence mirror mine. Whose financial wellbeing is at least equal to mine. I'd expect that we would mutually treat each other well, be able to be ourselves in a safe environment and 100% respect each other. He would need a good sense of humour cos sh1t happens!

None of this is unrealistic. But I doubt I'll bother.

@Mangocity has the perfect answer, imo. Having been in both types of relationship I would, albeit reluctantly, pick the first.

I would pick exactly what I have which is a husband who is pretty much perfect . If I outlive this one I wouldn’t be bothered to find another