If you could choose a man again

[Isshestillonthis]

What top traits would you look for and are they different to what you looked for/wanted when younger?

If I was single now I would 100% look for a man who makes me laugh, is very intelligent and positive and kind and finally, someone well established financially.

When younger I probably only thought about humour from the above list.

Positive outlook on life
Good self-esteem but not arrogant
Kind
Has the same political views as me
Accepts I'm not the most tactile of people
Understands my introvert nature
Doesn't get angry when life becomes difficult
Is nice to my family
Is flexible about spending time together (I'm a shiftworker)
Has some interests in common and some he can do without me having to be involved. I value my time alone
Doesn't talk over me

I'm divorced and looking for a unicorn.

Oh and is tidy, doesn't hoard his shit and keeps himself clean.

Unicorn 🦄.

This is probably going to make me sound like a bitch but here goes….
Ive been married to DH for 26 years, he’s kind and funny.
But he’s a bit thick (he readily admits this) He doesn’t understand mortgages or overdrafts. I manage all of the house issues. He can’t do anything practical like change a plug, wallpaper,paint, tile…. I can do all of this.
He lacks emotional intelligence and struggles to communicate well or understand the needs of our 2 sons who both have ADHD and periods of poor mental health.
He left school with no qualifications and has a minimum wage job( he does work hard) , I’m the breadwinner.
None of this makes me think any less of him. I love him wholeheartedly but I do sometimes think my life would be easier and less stressful if he could pick up some of the slack.
I do suspect he has ADHD!

I would pick my husband again in a heartbeat.

From reading MN and listening to friends talk about marital issues the one thing that I thought that would be standard is that the mental and physical load of being parents should be split equally. So that’s what I would advise others to look for- a man prepared to do his fair share of the parenting.

Same, I wouldn’t bother. I’d do my own thing. Certainly I wouldn’t want to go on the chronic illness and late-diagnosed autism train with someone again, because that was all so difficult. I’ve completely lost the sense that a relationship is for fun, rather than having to be support person, therapist, dogsbody to the detriment of my own wants, needs and sense of adventure.

😂
Never again, if he was made of gold.
And I'm long term married with no problems.
I just remember since childhood how happy the somehow single women and widows were (after they overcame grief) in my time.
Since then I realised living alone is the best, even beats a happy marriage. 👍

My DH was perfect when we got married, funny, did DIY enthusiastically, good in bed, good job that was well paid. Unfortunately that didn’t last!
What I wouldn’t do again is marry/have kids with a man who works away.
Id also look at his dad and see if I’d want to be married to him in 30 years time. If I’d done that I wouldn’t have married DH.

if I was starting again with the knowledge I have now, I’d not get married and I’d work to buy my own house that has my name only on the deeds.

My best friend read this at our wedding this summer ❤️

I had an awful first bloke, I learned from it and I picked well on the second. Humour, patience, generosity (time/effort/money) kindness, solvency and a fantastic dad. There’s a couple of niggles but I wouldn’t change him.

I wouldn't bother next time. Mine is fine, kind and respectful etc but even the really good ones have a law of diminishing returns. The good parts become more pedestrian and the irritants become magnified and the older I get the more I enjoy living on my own.

I just find them very boring and selfish as a species. Even the very best ones have these traits.

Possibly sounds awful but if mine dropped dead or left I think a part of me would be relieved.

This is probably on my DH's wish list😂 I like pretty things and nicknacks. He could well have bear walls and no shelves🙈

I’d pick mine 1000 times over. I’m not sure I deserve him though. I got even more than I put on my metaphorical list.

I always looked for the same thing. Stability, good job, kind, family-minded, same hobbies as mine.

It might be interesting to hear the lists that posters can offer a man.

I wouldn’t choose differently, but if I got sent back in time and had to do it again, I would do it differently.

I said yes to too many things to make him happy e.g. moving countries, buying this house, this car etc. and as a result I am taken for granted, and often feel disrespected. I also would not choose to be a SAHM again, but go P/T.

I’d have higher expectations, look after my finances better and not be such a martyr.

Why not leave him then?

@Hateam

Mine's fine: he's one of the best of a very bad lot. He's very kind and considerate and we have a lot of shared infrastructure so need to leave, I'm very content with him.

I just find them all very sub-par. They're just not as good as us.

Start that thread then

What I wish I had also looked for

Patience and tolerance (he is very very irritable)
no mental health issue (depression and anxiety)
Someone with no sleep issues (insomnia)
Someone who thinks looking after babies can also be done well by dads
someone who looks being around people in their spare time (he often likes watching tv alone in another room, being alone is his recharge)
someone who makes big decisions together and doesn’t act like a solo agent

good things I did get:

kindness a lot of the time
sense of humour
wanted children
enjoyed travel
practical around the house/ car
well house trained prior to meeting (happily unloads dishwasher or cooks)
romantic / loving (buys little gifts)
touchy feeling - cares about sex and wants to give a back rub
ambitious at work and always future proofing our family’s finances

I had a long term relationship with a man who was brilliant at DIY. If you so much as mentioned an idea of changing anything in the house he would do it if asked. He’d join me gardening and was brilliant at housework: However his was a defective model he had such a temper and was a mood hoover.

Currtent Mr Three has no DIY or gardening skills and I find that frustrating. Not because I expect him to do it all, I miss working on projects as a couple. But he has no temper, so overall I’m better off.

Short
Big boobs
Flat head to rest pint on

To me my husband is perfect. He is;

Kind - will go out of his way for anybody

Generous. Recently fell in love with a cardigan in a shop but it was £90 so I walked away. It turned up in the post 2 days later. He doesn’t do these things ALL the time (nor do I expect him to) but enough to remind me he thinks of me.

The best dad to our DC. We both had extremely poor example for ‘dads’ and he does his absolute best for them. Makes time for them and as good as mummy at kissing away a scratched knee.

He works 50 hours a week in a stressful job but comes
home every day ready to wash up, bath the children, chat about our days.

He is so funny. In a smart way. He comes out with these one liners that crack me up. He’s also one of these people who knows something about everything, he is able to hold a conversation on almost any topic.

He has his faults (couldn’t fit a shelf to save his life and he’s 5’6 which is unacceptable to many but that has never bothered me) but so do I and after 16 years I still get excited when he comes home from work and I hope I always do.

My DH wins then. Ive got all of those 😂

I’m a really good cook and he thinks I’m an amazing Mum (I doubt myself on this but I’m certainly very devoted). But beyond that I always tell DH that he’s a way better husband than I am a wife!

No one is perfect.

I am pretty sure lists are unhelpful - a bit like
'I wanna guy in finance, 6' 5"........'

However, I do note that virtually all the things listed are about behaviour / qualities of a person which is a big step on from the 90s toxic culture I grew up in.

Thankfully, I have chosen well. The things I value most are:
Kindness
Decency
Intellect
Driven and strong work ethic
Stable
Financially savvy
Good role model for our DC

He's a really good person. Every time I go to a party and meet other people's other halves, I am very thankful to be with him.

I’d pick a husband with normal parents. My DH’s parents are horrendous and I’m no contact. They were awful people from the off, but I thought if I was a nice, respectful person we could rub along. Huge mistake.

I just want to be able to walk into my house and know that there will be no drama, moods, swearing, unkind words. Partner or none. A low bar, but its what I am working on rn.