If you could choose a man again

[Isshestillonthis]

What top traits would you look for and are they different to what you looked for/wanted when younger?

If I was single now I would 100% look for a man who makes me laugh, is very intelligent and positive and kind and finally, someone well established financially.

When younger I probably only thought about humour from the above list.

I enjoy reading about women who have found partners they like and love.

I still believe they very much are minority.

My greatest wish is my two find husbands like Dh

Thank you for understanding @3luckystars 💐

Sorry that this has been your experience too @dewfirst.

Yes we’re still together and trying to make things work. I’m struggling to get beyond seeing him as a bomb that might explode and take me down with him in another burnout / breakdown situation. I’m simply not up for doing that again.

We’re currently trying to make life slower, quieter, calmer and I’m hoping that’s enough. Rebuilding desire is hard, we’re housemates really. I don’t trust DH in that I don’t understand what will drive him off the rails and I can’t predict his behaviour ultimately.

I would never want a man again but for the records I would advise to choose a real man not a man child that is:

• Confident in his shoes
• Good at DYI is he wants to play big houses. Or at least is not tight and intelligent enough to do maintenance before issues appear or get worst and more expensive
• Far from tight
• Love travelling
• Spontaneous and ready to have fun
• Sense of humour
• Proactive and driven
• Doesn’t watch sports or game as soon as he gets home
• Well mannered and socially confident
• Sees the big picture or is far from shortsighted

Never marry within two years and get to know your man well. If possible lives him and every possible situation. At least you would feel you tried to make sure he was the right person.

My first, off-the-cuff answer was: I'd look for someone compatible in daily-life terms, rather than someone who's fascinating but otherwise no help at all, and I'd prioritise niceness over intelligence, wit or creativity. But on reflection I'm not sure I'd really do that, especially as a lifetime of choosing interesting men who were otherwise either useless or actively destructive has left me very self-sufficient and used to doing everything on my own. Can always get a pet or a housemate for domestic companionship and/or help with tasks! On the whole, I wouldn't change anything despite years of yearning for what I didn't have - steadiness, stability, a lack of drama and the kind of supportiveness that sees you having an issue and jumps right in, not to fix it for you, but just to help. snif ... faraway look ... Instead I'd probably choose, yet again, someone who interests me rather than someone who's easy to live with.

Would have not picked my exh as HE turned out to be a lying psycho alcoholic nutter

I don’t think the perfect partner exists who tick every box, or even if they do, there will still be things that rub you up the wrong way.. I’m very happy with DP - he’s a fantastic stepdad to my daughter, he’s generous, caring, funny, affectionate, kind, even-tempered, lots of energy, good looking, but he has his faults too. He can be stubborn, set in his ways and ideas, emotionally immature in communication in disagreements etc. I have my faults too. I’m sure I don’t tick every box either.

Go start a thread?

I would pick my husband again. He calls me his soulmate. He’s kind and makes me laugh, and works hard to provide for us. We’ve had ups and downs financially and with ill health of various kinds so our marriage has been tested too. My friends and family like him. I still lose my breath or get butterflies sometimes when he comes in the room. We’re a team.

I’m on husband no. 3 and NONE of them could put up a shelf ! Must interview more carefully next time 🤣

I agree with all of these

I didn't settle when I was young, but I didn't know what I really wanted, I didn't know what my own values and ethics were, so I chose based on excitement. I was lucky to learn my mistake and start again mid 30s. I looked for intelligent, kind, patient, fun/playful, atheist, lefty, vegetarian, non smoker/drinker with interests and hobbies outside of the home (so that I could have quiet time at home alone!), financially independent and in a good position and good with money management, and who knew that he didn't have to have an argument with me for us to work together on a problem. That was pretty much the verbatim description I put on Guardian Soulmates. I met a lot of lovely men who fit the bill, but but my DH outshone them all.

I don’t think my criteria has changed, even though my marriage is failing. I picked a kind, gentle, intelligent man who would never physically hurt a woman and saw me as an equal, who is always encouraging me to do the things that make me happy or that he knows I am capable of.

what I would change is howuch I appreciated those qualities and my own behavior over the years.

if I do end up in another relationship it would be nice not to constantly worry about finances and for my partner to have more time outside of work.

He does exist, I met him 32 years ago and married him 6 years later 🥰

He doesn't exist for us singletons. You got him @Gardengirl108 !

Glad to read happiness.

I'd choose the one I have now, with the addition of him being ambitious and practical around the house

I wouldn't bother

Honest
Sense of humour
Practical
Kind
Positive
Intelligent
Hardworking
Sensitive to the feelings of others
Financially smart
Friendly
DON'T WANT MUCH DO I ! ha, ha, ha!

Not necessarily looking for different things I guess, but I would really think about their qualities and not get swept up in their adoration. I have more confidence now, I wouldn't stick around if they were making me feel sad, like I used to. I'm still physically attracted to the same type as I ever was though. Given my AuDHD and mental health problems, I definitely would look for someone caring and understanding, and I would be upfront with them about my problems so it started on a better foot.

I’d take my time and not jump in so open minded and deluded that when I fall for someone their heart is as pure as mine.
I always wanted someone I could have a good time with, but have realised I can have a good time with most people.
Not to go for the alpha male, or dominant one in their friends.

I’d got for the exact opposite of who I’ve been with.

Kind
Honest
Understanding
Positive
Gratitude

A very old billionaire with a weak heart.

I wouldn't want to pick again, I'm happy with my current choice. But what I tell my friends is that boring isn't a bad thing. My DH is far from a "boring" man, but we have no drama unless life Chuck's rubbish at us. He just enjoys a quiet, settled life and doesn't see the point in needing to be flashy or the centre of attention or following the crowd. He just wants to do what makes us all happy. Works hard, fixes things round the house, gives me time to myself, takes me out if I want to go.

"Exciting" doesn't always equal happy and "boring" doesn't always equal dull.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos absolutely agree.

Boring is a good thing. Boring is actually the wrong word.

My ex was full of drama, making scenes, causing often catastrophic problems.

I relish the humdrum. Calm. Safe. No rug pulled from under us.