To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

You can 'intervene' as much as you like

Ultimately it's their decision.

It sounds as if it was too much for them last year if your mum was cancelling things due to tiredness after the visit. Have you tried speaking to your sister as you say she’s already trying to counter arguments?

I don’t quite understand the full picture and what you are suggesting here. What are you suggesting your parents do for Christmas? And your sister?

Do you stay there too or do you mean you and your brother stay at a hotel?

It’s really up to your parents. If they’re trying to avoid a family fall out then you wading in and precipitating one likely won’t be what they want.

It should be easier this year with the kids a little older. If you’re really concerned you could try inviting your sister to yours instead to give your parents the break, but otherwise I would stay out of it and let your parents pick their battles.

No matter what you say they’ll probably give in to her and it will cause a rift. I think you’re probably better just speaking to them if anyone and they can then maybe be more assertive with her but I imagine saying anything to your sister won’t be received well.

I don't understand what the plan is this year either but I would say that when my kids were very young I really appreciated being able to go somewhere for Christmas and have family around to support. I'm sure your parents would much prefer to see their grandchildren and celebrate Christmas with them rather than make them stay at home. The youngest is now 17 months old so hopefully won't be a fractious baby anymore. I think you're being overly harsh on your sister.

What would your sister do in your preferred scenario on Xmas day

No I’m not sure either. And won’t you and your brother be there for Christmas Day? Surely you could take the helm and let you parents put their feet up? Leave them with leftovers to heat up for the next day or two?

I think if your parents want to support her in this way you are interfering to say anything. A family fallout will distress them more than a few busy days plus a couple of cancelled outings.

It was a short post, so this may be unfair, but it sounds a bit as though you and your brother think she’s spoiled and difficult and are looking to point the finger …?

Unfortunately this is best left to your dp’s. They have to be honest with your dsis or suck it up.

If you’re really worried could you make some meals to put into your dp’s freezer.
Or invite everyone to you.

It's your parents' choice. And sometimes taking a few days off after a visit is sometimes something you want to do. A visit from a family with a baby is exhausting, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Or invite Dsis to you?

I wouldn't, they'll be fine or they can say no

Can they not make their own mind up? Or is that not allowed when you reach a certain age?

It reads to me like you and your brother want to get together with your parents and exclude your sister?

Your post isn't very clear on the situation

Apologies if I didn't make it clear. If our parents are visiting either my brother or I they stay with us in our home. They stay in a hotel when visiting my sister. this is not an issue as my sister has a smaller place, I'm mentioned it only to make clear they couldn't visit my sister at Christmas except as day visitors from a hotel.

I am confused by what is going on here. I thought your post was going to be moaning that your own parents wouldn’t host Christmas for you all! So, you don’t want your sister to go home to your partners for Xmas because you think it’s too much for them?

what’s happening on Xmas day and Boxing Day, are you inviting everyone to yours?

I don’t see that you can stop your parents from having your sister to stay!

I made it clear it was their decision and they were of sound mind so why your post?

Can we recap?

3 years ago your brother hosted you, your kids and your parents. You say neither you nor your brother has space for sister and parents to stay, so was sister not invited? (She’d only have had one child then)

2 years ago you hosted your brother, his kids and your parents- same question.

Last year, your sister and her kids joined your parents at their home. What did you, your brother and your kids do then?

This year, are you proposing that you revert to the same arrangement as 2/3 years ago? Where does this leave your sister?

I’m deeply uncomfortable with your snarky “invited herself” phrasing as regards your sister going to stay with her Mum and Dad over Christmas. Your parents sound like they have the mental capacity to discuss the visit sensibly with her, and nobody thinks of family get together as requiring a formal invitation.

I think they are probably right that your sister could do with the support. Don’t you and your brother have in-laws that you need to alternate with anyway?

Why doesn’t one of you join your sister at your parents’ and help out a bit?

My parents have an invitation to visit either my brother or I for Xmas day, to put their feet up and have a restful Christmas which they very much enjoyed a few years ago. My sister is in an active social group and has options there for Christmas.

Also, do you know first hand that your Mum was bothered that she felt a bit too tired to spend time with her friends after Christmas? Maybe she wasn’t all that fussed about the plans anyway, and perhaps she really enjoyed the chance to spend time with her daughter and grandchildren so saw the tiredness as worth it. Maybe she caught up with her friends at a quieter time in January, given they’d all be retired anyway so less pressure to meet during the festive season.

😳😳😳😳

Your sister has a brother and sister problem.

Are you suggesting we leave our own children at Xmas to be with our sisters children?

Mid 70s is a bit of a red herring - some people in mid 70s are sprightly and full of energy, some people in their mid 40s would be knackered by hosting kids and a baby. My mid 70s parents will host all their kids + partners and grandkids this Christmas (9 people in total) - I'm sure they will be tired but they also wouldn't have it any other way.
I hear what you're saying about you difficult sister getting her way more and why that's frustrating, but ultimately I think any intervention you try to make here will be counter productive. In the future I would suggest getting in early with the arrangements you want to make, and also consider trying to include your sister even if you're hosting because it would be tough for her to be on her own with two young kids at Christmas.

It appears that you don’t like your sister much.