To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

I think your brother and you think you have set up a system but neither your sister nor your parents signed up to it.

If you really want to help your parents, the best thing you could do is invite your sister to yours.

So you want your parents to go to you or your brothers and your sister isn't invited to either. So you want your single sister to spend Christmas alone with her young children? Have I got that right?

If so that's vile

I think I’m struggling to understand your post so forgive me if I am wrong but are you suggesting you un-invite your single parent sister to Christmas because her very young baby was unsettled on Christmas Day last time? She stayed at your parents with her young children and your parents found that tiring so the decision this year is to exclude your sister and her 2 children while you have a big family Christmas?

This would be a great solution if my brother and I didn'tt have in laws to also accommodate.

This.

What you are actually doing is trying to force your parents to choose you over your sister which is just awful.

Agree you don’t seem to like your sister who is ‘single by choice’ and only lives in a small home.

Is anyone else really hoping that the sister wins a substantial sum of money and buys herself a really lovely cottage (perhaps a bit like the one in ‘The Holiday’, with Jude Law hanging around?) so that she can then host a gorgeous scenic Christmas for herself and her DPs?

Under the thin guise of looking after your parents you seem to want her to be kept firmly on the outside at Christmas time, with her nose pressed up against the window of the proper family life that you and your DB exemplify.

Think this is the crux of it all

Also....did you ask your mother why she cancelled whatever 'activities' she'd planned last year?? Or just assuming from what other people had said..

You want to have a lovely family Christmas with everyone BUT your difficult and demanding sister and her annoying children. As a single parent she is expected to be alone for Christmas so you can host? Seriously how unkind do you have to be. Your update actually is more brutal than that, because you clearly do not like her.

Your poor parents.
Stop making them choose!
They undoubtedly love all of their children and grandchildren, and you sound difficult and insufferable yourself.

Your sister is a single parent and obviously wants her kids to be with family on Christmas. Her 'social circle' is not the same - Christmas is a family day, I would imagine she could easily find company for new year and so that offer isn't an equivalent.
If you don't want her to accept your parents invitation (implied if not explicit) to their house then you need to invite her (and your parents) to one of yours.

Well if you and DB who are not single by choice alternate with your in laws every year you have parents and sister this year he has them next year.

It is quite possible that your parents would rather spend the day in their own home with their daughter and grandchildren than at your or your brother’s house, making small talk with the in-laws?

You talk about tiring, but it’s pretty tiring having to pack, travel, sleep in someone else’s house and be a guest on best behaviour with people from outside the nuclear family.

Whereas staying at home, having grandkids there but with their Mum doing most of the childcare, only cooking for 3 adults and having your daughter available to help with the food too- sounds much more relaxing.

Well you haven't kept your question simple, because you didn't actually explain the situation properly. You didn't even state in your OP that your sister invited herself to your parent's house. That's pretty important information.

I think you have to accept that you’re not in a position to resolve this. You can help your parents by taking hosting duties off their plate if you or your brother are willing to host your sister. If you can’t or won’t do that because you’re prioritising in laws or other commitments every time, then you don’t have a solution. You’re just asking your sister to forego family christmasses for the remainder of your parents’ lives because that’s more convenient for you and facilitates you having the day you want. It’s not a reasonable expectation of your sister, it doesn’t solve the problem and it’s not what your parents want.

There is nothing for you to do here. Your healthy, sound of mind parents have decided what they want to do. You don’t have to agree that it’s the best thing for them but you can’t wade in and start demanding that your sister be excluded from Christmas when you can’t or won’t offer a solution which supports her too.

All I'm getting from this post is that you and your brother think you are above your sister in more ways than one. Oh don't we have our lives together, aren't our kids great not like sister and her horrible children. Nice view up there on your high horse ?

Yes I do think you’re completely unreasonable to judge your sister for wanting to spend time with her parents. Your post talks about hosting as if it’s a huge burden or favour, but most of us spend time with our family because we want to hang out and enjoy a few days off together. It’s really nice that your parents want to do this with their daughter and have that relationship, particularly as . You sound very judgemental of your sister, she doesn’t need to be punished because she’s single, even if by choice, and can’t return the hosting. It’s also quite unkind not to think of your sister and think gosh she has a 5 month old baby, is probably sleep deprived and has a 2yo an age known for difficult behaviour.

I think you might want to reflect how you come across in the post as if this is what you’re saying in real life it will be difficult to be heard by your parents.

I might have misunderstood, it reads as though you and your brother hosted your parents in turn, the siblings haven’t hosted each other. So for two years your parents spent time with you and your brother and your children, why shouldn’t your sister have a year in turn as well, and why not two with such young children? Your parents might really love Christmas with that age children. I’d say their age is even more reason they might want to enjoy time with their littlest grandchildren.

Yes to this question ^
So basically you don’t want your parents to invite your sister for Christmas because you think it might be tiring for them. In a way I understand your concern as some parents tends to be martyrs and exhaust themselves but if it’s the case it’s not your sister’s fault. The Christmas stay could be exhausting even for a 30 y.o. host - it depends on planning. A visit of your daughter with grandkids could be very relaxing and a low key event. So I think you are unreasonable to think that it’s such a bad idea at your parents age,

And lol at single by choice …
Dont get me even start on this. My sister was single “by choice” for some time when she divorced with her cheating and drinking husband so I know about these sort of choices.

Last year's 5mo and 2yr olds will now be nearly 1.5 and 3 and I am sure sleeping better than they were last year. I wouldn't assume that it will be as tiring as last year. And your sister seems pretty open to it being relaxed and no-frills in terms of hosting.

Your mother cancelling a few activities to have Christmas with her tiny grandchildren was probably a price worth paying. How lovely for her to have them all there.

The fact you have been digging around for gossip to back up your arguments is extremely poor op.

OK I'd missed this.

It's quite possible your parents don't feel Christmas at yours is that restful either and either prefer their own space, or find either option tiring but worth it. I think you should let them make their own decision.

For all you know your mum may have needed a couple of days' rest after the travel both ways and a few days socialising at yours too. Feeling tired is not necessarily a reason not to do something.

That is how it reads to me too. I'm also a bit side eye at comments such as "invited herself" and single "by choice".

When my parents and in laws were in their later seventies they would typically plan a few down days after a large family visit. They would have been horrified at the suggestion that the visit was too much for them - they paced themselves to enjoy the festival and have some quiet time afterward.

Perhaps its better if the OP and DB have their own superior family set up with the inlaws and leave the sister's family to spend time with the parents who will no doubt schedule some quiet time after the excitement of Christmas. If they want to help they could send some items to ease with the preparations.

I'm confused, you and your brother have each invited your parents for a relaxing Christmas but you can't accommodate them because you both have your in-laws visiting

It's fine that you and your brother don't like your sister nor her kids. It is not ok for you to dictate that means that your parents should not see them. Your respective families are not less effort than your sister's, so it is silly to suggest they are. Your babies cried at times too, that is the nature of babies.

In their 70s with one adult and 2 small kids, they will be fine. If they feel a bit tired then they can rest for a few days, but they will know they strengthened the bond with their grandchildren and created some memories. If you were really concerned about effort, then you could offer to parents that you will pay for sister to stay in a nearby hotel or airbnb. I would bet they will not want that though, as the point for them is to see their grandchildren.

Why are you so keen to control your parents and sister? Do you really dislike her? It sounds as if you want her to stay home at Christmas with her two tiny children, and then you are kindly willing to allow her to see her family for NY. You must know that for anyone with small children Christmas is important and NY is not.

Your parents probably want to have your sister and her small children in their house for Christmas - it is more fun than being shown to a chair in your sitting room and told to rest. And as for being tired after Christmas and wanting a few quiet days, isn't that normal?

Please don't turn this into a war over who is more valued and important in your family. If "winning" involves you telling everyone what to do, you will not win, and there will be ill feeling all around.

This.