To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

Well, you are suggesting that your parents leave one of their children…

But no, I was suggesting that your whole family go. Have your parents downsized from the house you grew up in, is there not room for you all?

So, both you and your brother have invited your parents to stay with you for Xmas, but neither of you are inviting your sister, is that a basic summary, @Birminghamx ?

Of course not - you take your DC with you!

Or are you one of these people that's extremely insistent that you must always spend Christmas day at home?

In which case, why don't you invite your sister to yours?

I feel sorry for your sister. You don’t sound very nice at all. Why should she spend Christmas on her own without support from her parents. They can say no. It’s none of your business. Maybe go back to your 2.2 family, big house and get on with your big, wonderful Xmas…and the single by choice, with a too small flat can get a bit of help from what seems like the only nice family she has. Intervene ? FFS!

I can completely understand why your parents don't want to leave your sister and her kids out of a family celebration at Christmas. I don't think asking her to find some other family to host her is the winning solution here and you need to go back to the drawing board and find a way to include her if you want your parents to come.

So you host parents and sister for Xmas and DB can have them for New year problem solved

This puts a different colour on things, because what you’re actually suggesting is that you and / or your brother get together with your parents for a cosy family Christmas while your sister - a single parent with two small children - is left to fend for herself. That’s very cold and it’s not remotely surprising that your parents’ preference is to have their daughter and her children stay with them rather than leave her alone at Christmas.

Your sister having an active social group is irrelevant. People like to be with family at Christmas, and it rather sounds like you’ve thrown this comment in to make it look less bad that you’re trying to exclude your sister.

Your framing of the problem essentially means your sister never gets another family Christmas while your parents are alive. I expect your parents like having their daughter and grandchildren for Christmas even if it is tiring, especially if the alternative is never seeing her at Christmas again for as long as they live.

I find hosting people for Christmas very tiring but I still love it and choose to do it. There will come a time when your parents simply can’t do that any more, but while they can it’s not for you to interfere in their arrangements.

You describe your sister as difficult but your attitude towards her over this is pretty brutal.

I think this is the case, and they want to butt in and stop the sister going to her parents, too.

I wish I understood this, but I don't.

However what I will say from experience is that there is a big difference between a 'fractious baby' and that same child a year later. And small children just are exhausting, it goes with the territory; but it's always lovely to see them.

@Birminghamx i think you know what the op means, but to clarify why don’t you and your family join your sister at your parents?

it also seems from your post you only invited your parents when they came to you and your sister wasn’t invited

Your posts also indicate to me you don’t like your sister much. Christmas is a time for families, why should she spend time with others in her ‘active social group’ when her parents are around?why should her parents come to you/her brother but she’s excluded? Your parents have said yes so it’s up to them

Could you and your brother do all the heavy lifting at your parents house so they can still host all their DCs including your sister?
Or you and/or your brother stay in a hotel near your dps as to make it a bit less crowded and intense for the duration of the stay?

It seems like you're working on an agenda of leaving your sister out and fitting solutions to that agenda instead of exploring other options to make it easier for your parents to host everyone in their home.

Excellent post.

Perhaps your parents would find it more tiring to travel to yours for the day, and spend it with numerous rowdy grandchildren and then go home again?
Perhaps they would like to see your sister's children on Christmas Day?
Perhaps they don't want their daughter spending Christmas Day away from family?
Perhaps they feel your sister could do with a rest?
Perhaps they don't mind being a bit tired, and having an excuse not to have to do stuff with friends?
Perhaps they enjoy it and don't get tired and like an excuse not to have to do other stuff?
You haven't said what your parents have told you - only what you've heard back from a friend.

Ah I see. So you want to exclude your sister completely from a family Christmas. I can see why you did not want to make that fully clear in your OP. It’s pretty nasty. What did your sister do to deserve being shut out?

I think the problem is you don’t want your sister and her children there. Most people regardless of age feel exhausted hosting Christmas. I’d leave it to your parents to decide.

I can see why your parents would rather host your sister, than go to either yours or your brother’s house which excludes her. I would be devastated if any of my children left another out like that at Christmas.

Equally if you said it’s their decision and they are of sound mind… why your post? If they’ve said what they want to do just go with what ever that is

Could you suggest that your sister comes you your house and your parent go to your brothers this year and next year you swap?

Parents get looked after, sister gets company, no one is too cramped that way.

I wanted to keep the question simple but as many have noticed there's more going on in the background. My sister has had a history of being very difficult and demanding for years. Our parents have been very supportive and loving to all of us. All of us were greatly helped on the property ladder by our parents. My sister has repaid this dreadfully, even screaming at my father that she 'hated him'. Not as teenager but as a nearly 30 year old! When she doesn't get her way, often over trivia she reacts. My father gets the brunt as he tries to react and discuss her behaviour with her which makes it worse. My mother just accepts that she's unreasonable and tries to live with it. That's the backdrop and the reason why the initial post looks like we're ganging up on her. We see this as just a further example where she rides roughshod over our parents needs and as there's no sign of it abating, where's that going to leave our parents in their'80's? My brother and I try very hard to be tactful in a difficult situation not of our making including inviting her for New Year. We want to stay as close as possible to our nieces as well as we think they'll have a difficult time in their teenage years (she's a very good mother while they are so young). I think some of the posts have been very harsh on me but then I didn't give the full story.

I don’t get why you couldn’t host your parents and your sister?

if it’s down to space, could parents not stay in a hotel as they do when they go to sister?

I think you under estimate how hard it is for your sister. They're her only option and of course she wants family around at Christmas time. You have your dh and are in no place to judge.

It also feels like there are solutions here which don’t require your sister to be excluded. Like you and your family (or your brother and his) also visiting your parents and doing the work, but from their house. Or your parents going to one of you or your brother, and your sister and her kids going to the other. If this is really about looking after parents and not about finding an excuse for excluding your sister, then focus on options like these.

Doesn’t sound like OP is spending Christmas with her brother. I may of read it wrong but it sounds like the parents are invited to both houses and can pick one

I can see your point OP, but can't really see how you'd say all this without causing upset.

Ultimately, it's up to your parents to decide how much they can or can't handle, and to use their own words to your sister accordingly.

I notice you don't offer an alternative. Why can't you or your brother host this year as well? It's not a "well, I hosted once, 3 years ago, so that's my hosting duties done!" You said that your sister isn't in a position to host, which is fair enough, so it's up to you and your brother if your parents really aren't up to it any more.
It's the same with my sister and I. I've got the bigger, more accessible home, in terms of getting to, parking etc, and just have more emotional/practical capacity to host than she does. The likelihood of her ever being in a position to host is slim to none, so I do it. It's just the way it is in families.

Sorry, but I think YABU.

I think the needing to rest afterwards is a red herring. I'm in my 40s and get easily exhausted as I get regular migraines. I still enjoy a big family get together.

A few days rest is nothing in the scheme of things - they will have been looking forward to it for months.

It's lovely they want to host everyone - I have PIL who never want to see anyone and it's really sad.

Yes family can be annoying but that's life. Why don't you go for a shorter visit?