To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

This comes over as you not wanting to invite your sister and not wanting your parents to have her over either. She's a single mum with two young kids, YABU

I think you should keep your nose out and let them get on with it.

YABU. She’s single with two kids. Imagine how hard that is. I imagine she needs a break. Your parents are grown ups and capable of making their own decisions, it’s not up to you. Perhaps try and be more supportive and think of ways you can step up to support your mum and dad so they are less exhausted when you all leave?

Share the work. If your sister is staying with two small kids at your parents' place, why don't you and your brother's families come for Christmas Day and bring all the food, prepared in advance, clear up afterwards then invite your sister to come back with you in the evening (or next day if you are all staying over) so the cousins can play together on Boxing Day.

I’ve just seen your update op - you are getting abit of a hard time, but I sense you are just trying to look out for your parents. You said your sister is difficult & demanding, you’ve probably had years of this behaviour and find it frustrating, which is showing in how you write about her. I get it - but your parents have made their decision. They are not going to tell their daughter ‘ no, we don’t want you or the kids here again this year because we found it tiring last year ‘

I’m not sure many parents would.

At least your parents are in their own home, that’s a comfort, also, the children are another year older, the youngest was a baby last year. It sounds like your sister needed the support.

I think it’s lovely the gps get to spend time with their grandchildren and vice versa.

My mum loves having a full house at Christmas, but it knackers her out. She wouldn’t change it for anything though. Your parents would feel ten times worse, if they felt their dd and gc were on their own.

I would honestly just leave it. Your mum & dad are the ones that need to speak up if things are getting too much on the day. It’s not up to you or your brother to try and resolve.

I think your parents are old enough to decide for themselves. If you are interested in their welfare, i would suggest to them that they don't make plans for the few days after Christmas, so they can recover from the whirlwind that Christmas will be.

You can concentrate on your in-laws as can your brother. Then one of you can invite parents next year, the other can invite them the year after, and ... your sister can go whistle? lovely.

Sounds like you are deliberately trying to isolate your sister. I appreciate there is a backstory but you really need to butt out.

I've not read full thread just OP's posts

It sounds like you don't have a great relationship with your sister due to her behaviour and have a good relationship with your brother

However, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your brother and sister arranged Christmas day with your parents and you weren't welcome?

The children are older now than last year and may be more manageable, the older one will be able to go off and play with the older kids, it will just be the toddle. It won't be as exhausting for parents, and the rest of the family can hep keep the LO's amused.

But, I would be having a stern word with sister about how her behaviour will not be tolerated and that you want no drama, and that her children are her responsibility and not to be palmed off on the grandparents. This conversation may lead to her saying sod you i'll do Christmas myself and then problem solved

Yabu. Your parents can do what they want for Christmas. If they don't want your dsis to visit, they can say that they've already made other plans. You and your DB should keep your beaks out.

I am in my 70s and would find it tiring to host Christmas to a young family like that. However, I would enjoy it so much, even though I might have to cancel any other socialising for a few days to recover afterwards. It is their decision, don't interfere.

So your parents aren't hosting? Can you and your brother pay for a hotel room for your sister? You don't seem to like her and hardly see her as it is?

I don’t know why I find this post/the situation so confusing 🙈 Do you not all get together at one house and take it in turns some years and help each other?
So if your parents go to your brothers, do you go and your sister too? Same if it’s at your mum and dads or at yours, does everyone come to you??

Here's another idea - invite your parents and see if you can find a small holiday cottage or airbnb near you where your sister and her kids could stay. You and your brother could offer to split the cost with your sister.

This doesn't make any sense.

How would you or your brother have your parents round to yours then? If neither of you can even make space for 1 adult?

You're just trying to come up with excuses to exclude the sister in all possible circumstances.

Do you and your brother both have your in laws to stay for the whole Christmas ever year?

Mid 70's isn't that old at all these days

So why don't you like your sister ?

So, as your sister has an active social life (🤷🏻‍♀️) you want her to go to see her friends at Christmas and what? Your parents either go to you or your brothers? Do you go to? So you’d effectively all be together as a family, but sister with her friends??

I also wonder what you mean when you say your sister is single by choice?

Did she have children via the sperm donor route?

Or did she ditch the father of her children because he was useless/for other reasons that probably haven't been disclosed to you?

If your parents want to avoid hosting her, it's simple for them to accept an offer to stay with you or your brother.
You can only do so much.

Good question.Don't the parents find it quite stressful staying with the in laws in the same house? I would have thought four extra adults, and two unrelated older couples, in a single house would be a bit much! My mother gets on with DH's mother fine, but they'd find staying in the same house quite claustrophobic as they both have their own ways of doing things.

This would be a great solution if my brother and I didn'tt have in laws to also accommodate

So you and your brother don't have the capacity to host your parents or sister anyway this year? But even so, you want to tell your parents that they shouldn't have your sister over for Christmas, you'd rather they all spent Christmas on their own? That doesn't make much sense.

I can understand your concerns, especially given the history with your sister. But all you can do, in my opinion, is check with your parents that they are ok with it, and then let them get on with it. Yes, they'll be tired after, but most people are tired after hosting Christmas for family. It doesn't necessarily mean that your parents don't want to see your sister and their grandchildren. I'm not sure what alternative you are able to offer anyway?

It is up to your mum and dad what they spend their time, money and energy on. I would gladly sacrifice weeks of "outings" and be exhausted to entertain my daughter and grandchildren at Xmas. Why do you think your parents need your protection and why on earth have you so little empathy for your sister - you may dislike her - that is clear but she has 2 small children and wants to spend Xmas with family - she is trying to build bridges with them and they are accepting her, why can't you?

My parents have an invitation to visit either my brother or I for Xmas day, to put their feet up and have a restful Christmas which they very much enjoyed a few years ago. My sister is in an active social group and has options there for Christmas.

OP, don't ever assume that just because a single person has an active social life, that they have lots of options for Christmas Day. There's another thread running, where similar assumptions are being made and it comes across as quite unpleasant.

You sound really unpleasant OP. You clearly judge your sister because she is a single mum by choice and only has a small house. You want your sister to be on her own every Christmas. How is that anything but cruel?
Leave your parents and sister alone and let them have a lovely Christmas or stop being so spiteful to your sister and invite her too.

They might be tired afterwards but do you really think they don’t enjoy spending time with their grandchildren and daughter?

what ever the circumstances are for your sister to be a single parent of two tiny kids celebrating the holidays as the only adult in the house will feel pretty lonely. If she were my sister I’d be inviting her and the chaos to stay with me for the holidays or I’d suggest that hiring a house that is big enough for a big gathering. . those little kids are your kids cousins, you can have wonderful and lasting relationships with your wider family, and Christmas is the time to celebrate together.