To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

Why are your parents not able to cope with 6 grandchildren in the house?

Assuming you look after them? Help to cook and clean up?

Was the last time all 11 of you were together a year ago? That's sad.

I always read this stuff and try and get into the even deeper picture which I suspect has some money/inheritance concerns attached to it. You’ve already alluded to money being spent on all of you and how she has not used the money wisely. Are you concerned that in ten years time she’s basically going to have cuckooed herself in your parents house and your inheritance will be gone? From your posts it sounds like she stamps her feet and demands stuff and your parents tolerate it as opposed to setting appropriate boundaries.

if I’m right I think you are probably correct that your parents money will be her money, particularly if you take a step back. However there’s really not much you can do. I would be concerned about elder abuse down the line but I’ve no idea how monitored that is really. If you have a good relationship with your parents I think you could certainly vocalise that so it’s been said but really you just need to let them get on with it.

Why can’t you or your brother host your parents, and the other one of you host your sister? Seems mean to exclude her.

@Birminghamx how is your communication with your parents?

What do they want to do?

Have you discussed their (perceived) tiredness with them?

Do you not trust your parents judgement?

In most families conversations happen, two way conversations. Ideas getting rattled around and solutions found to keep everyone happy. Have you not been privy to these conversations between your sister and parents?

In answer to your first question - yes I probably think it is a bit much at their age.
After your updates about falling out, I really do not think your parents will tell her she cannot come.
Rather than try and stop it can you and your brother do something to make it easier? Options

1. Take a load of pre-prepared food (or get it delivered) to cut the cooking stress down for your mum
2. Jointly pay to "treat" them to lunch out?
3. get your sister tickets to a local panto or christmas activity over the time they are there so your parents get a quiet time
4. Dial them up and play a game wish them for an hour to give your parents a break
5. Ask your mum what you can do to help

I suspect also that your sister thinks it is being nice for your parents to spend time with her small children at christmas

are you being deliberately facetious?

You refuse to answer basic questions so we have to take that as the assumptions are true, so you are actively excluding her from the family which is bullying.

You not liking her does not mean you get to sabotage your parents relationship with her, its not your business and frankly YOU have put your parents in this position through exclusion.

Someone up thread asked you to clarify the situation but you just wrote an unrelated reply, would you mind clarifying a few things as there is some details not mentioned?

previous years you have hosted your brother and parents, then vice versa the next year. Was your sister there for either of those, or was she doing her own thing?

Last year your parents hosted her (but not you or your brother) and were so exhausted by it, they had to cancel plans.

This year you are hosting your in laws, your brother is hosting his in laws and your parents are hosting your sister.

Is that all correct?

Your mother might have been exhausted but I guarantee that on her deathbed (hopefully many years from now!) that she will not regret spending Christmas with any of her children, especially one in the trenches with a 5 month old.

Sometimes family life is hard, siblings can get on our tits, but unless she's an axe murderer or something (in which case, drip feed!) I'd just get on with it. Your sister having Christmas with her wider social network in no way compares to having it with actual flesh and blood.

I wouldn’t bother intervening - in my experience parents tend to not offend the child who kicks off the most.

A previous poster mentioned getting an air bnb which is a great idea - split the costs of everything and the responsibilities - it would make everything feel fairer.

I was in a similar situation to you several years ago - in fact my parents were in their 80s. My sibling, after years of not visiting at Christmas, had a second family and started arriving with their children and spouse. My parents were exhausted - I know because my mother would phone me after every visit and moan about how tired they both were and how difficult it was.

I also went on Christmas day with my adult children, I helped with the food and childcare and my DC tried to entertain the kids. On one occasion sibling and spouse went to bed after dinner and left the kids to the rest of us. I made sure the kids were bathed and ready for bed before leaving for the night. I also know that my parents would be up early with the children too. No wonder they were tired out.

I suggested to my parents that they say it was too much - they didn't like to in case they offended, or in case they were invited to their house - which they found equally exhausting for various reasons.

I then had a word with the sibling who checked with my parents and was told that it was no trouble and please to still come. So I just ended up looking spiteful. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother that if it was fine, not to bend my ear about it for hours afterwards.

It WAS too much and my sibling ought to have realised. For the last few years I ended up cooking the dinner myself (it was easier to do it in my own kitchen than to do it there) and taking it over in boxes.

I don't know what the answer is. If I hadn't said anything I would have felt guilty, but what I did say didn't work and made me look like a bitch.

I’m confused.
So you and DB are hosting in laws? Will you see your parents as well?
You want your parents and DS to spend Christmas apart rather than together?

To some extent it's a time-limited problem because the kids grow up. In most cases, a 5yo is much less hassle than a 1yo.

One of the wisest things my late mum ever told me is that X’s relationship with Y is only the business of X and Y.

Leave them to it. Honestly they are mid70s and fully grown adults. They aren’t 90 and suffering from dementia. Just focus on your own relationship with your parents. Google codependent behaviour.

Sure your Sister has "options" of her social group .However Christmas is a special time of year for families .Meeting up ,exchanging gifts ,and having a beautiful feast with goodies and Drinkies. Do you not get on with DS? She surely is expected to be part of the family.I would not mention to her your thoughts at all! She will be hurt .Unless your DP have underlying health issues they will be able to cope for a few days.

I have a sister I don't get along with and find very difficult, but I wouldn't try to weaponise my parent's age or apparent weariness, or DS's baby's fractious early months, to push my own agenda.

Obviously your children are perfect and allow your DPs to have a 'restful' Christmas, and obviously your children will never develop challenging personalities or give you cause for grief (for clarity, I'm being ironic here), which is why you can't understand that parents love all their children, including the priggish smug ones like you and the troubled or neurodivergent, like your sister.

They are mature adults. Let them make their own decisions and take the consequences. I'm sure they'd thank you for it.

Is the sister ND? I missed that bit …

i just cannot get my head round this 5 day visit business!! what is wrong with arriving on christmas eve and leaving on boxing day?? 5 days is way too much!

5 days, not matter who is visiting who, is far too much!!! That's a whole thread in itself!!!

It’s a bit much to still be holding a grudge that you ended up giving your nieces/nephews a bath one night during Christmas. So maybe your sibling took the piss a bit, maybe the sibling and partner had been having a lovely time but hit the booze a bit too hard and flaked out for longer than they meant to when they had a lie down after dinner, these things happen and families can usually laugh them off, take the piss out of each other, recognise that nobody is perfect and bank the favour to call in another time. I mean, nobody even really had to bathe the kids, did they? A night without a bath won’t hurt. Talk about being a martyr.

@VexedofVirginiaWater
Been there!
Cooked dinner and other food and drove an hour and a half each way to fill the fridge so that my 88 year old dad could host my siblings family.
By the way I expect you paid for the food like I did

Why do you not like your sister
What happened when you were younger,that has ended up with her screaming for communication as an adult .
Why do you say it is her choice to be single ..did you want her to stay in a relationship where she was unhappy.
I don't know op
Im just wondering what your sister's take on all this would be .
My instincts say you and your brother are close ,and bond over having a partner ,and you think it's her fault she hasn't got a partner ,and you look down on her for not having one ,and living in a flat to small to host.
Maybe I'm wrong ..
I feel sorry for your sister
You don't seem to have her back

If your sister is difficult, it’s unfair to ask you or DB to host her for several days. It would be best if she stayed with your parents for 2-3 days and they sort themselves out.
But if you want to see your parents, you are going to have to invite DS too.

I think I get it. Something like:
Year 1 parents at your DB's
Year 2 parents at your house
Year 3 Your DSis goes to your parent's house

But this year there is a repeat of year 3? So if that continues neither you or your brother see your parents at Christmas?

Alternate. One year you have in laws, one year your parents and sister. You say you want to stay close to your nieces, so being there for things like Christmas is part of that.

Well said

So what do you expect your sister to do? Spend Christmas alone with her children?