To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

Well said.

I agree, you shouldn't intervene in others people's decisions or relationships.

No room for your sister but both of you would have room for your parents?
🤔

The best way to help your parents and you and your brother is to get out of the saviour-victim-aggressor triangle and leave them be. Your parents don’t need saving, your sister doesn’t need demonising and you, nor your brother, don’t need to be a hero on a steed. You’ve all played a part in the years of difficulties perpetuating. Leave them be and don’t get involved, though of course keep inviting your parents and say they’re welcome.

I hope you have a really lovely and peaceful Christmas with your kids and in laws. Don’t let this hang over your own well deserved Christmas rest.

@Birminghamx i just cannot get my head round this 5 day visit business!! what is wrong with arriving on christmas eve and leaving on boxing day?? 5 days is way too much! funnily enough, I had a sister like you, she never ever hosted on christmas day or on any other day for that matter! I hosted for everyone every single christmas bar one when out new house wasnt ready! my sis used to always say that she would bring the wine. along came one bottle of red and one bottle of white and if there was any left in the bottles, they went right home with her, after her drinking them both!! she is the golden child of the family. look forward to the will reading there!!

So your tiny nephew/nieces miss out on Christmas because you've decided your parents are too old to have them and their daughter stay, and neither your or your brother can possibly fit them in at your homes?

It sounds as thought there have been issues with your sister in the past. Your parents are willing to have her and their grandchildren to stay despite this. Maybe you and your brother could be a bit more forgiving too.

You have a point!!

So the sister and her children are not to be allowed Christmas with her parents? No, not "this". The sister is taking only 2 kids; not 8, no extra husband, no pets etc. It is pointless drama caused by siblings trying to make their sister out to be "bad" based on nothing but their own imaginations.

Full disclosure, I can find one sibling difficult. What I do is smile nicely and get on with it. Not try and prevent them seeing their own parents!

I think the worst solution is that your sister spends Christmas alone with no other adults around caring for two small children who can't even have a conversation yet.

Yes, she may have a supportive social circle but social circles tend to be awol over the holiday period, that's why Christmas is so hard for people on their own.

I don’t think parents hosting means they have to do all the work. The 3 of you can help. It makes sense as they have room for everyone. It’s once a year. Most grandparents like to spend it with their grandchildren. It reads like you’re trying to uninvite your sister because she has small children? I’m not sure why else? Plus she may want to spend it with her family. Your parents can say no and make other plans. But it sounds like a family rift will occur if you push this.

Fgs your all in your 30s and 40s and still want mummy to host xmas.
Grow-up and deal with it your selfs.
leave your parents alone they can do what they want now.

This would be a great solution if my brother and I didn'tt have in laws to also accommodate*

Most people I know take it in turns with family/in laws rather than all at once

Also we tend to do our own thing over New Year

Basically I don't think you can leave your sister out over Xmas .

It does sound as though your sister can be difficult op - albeit that has come as a drip feed. But family often is; and if your parents want to overlook that( or they understand how it’s come about ) and they want to spend the time with her at Christmas nonetheless, that’s their choice.

In some ways, the more fraught her relationship with them ( and the rest of you) is, the more important it is they are given space to respond and develop ( heal?) that relationships as they feel best. You don’t want to be the grit in the pudding.

We want to stay as close as possible to our nieces as well as we think they'll have a difficult time in their teenage years (she's a very good mother while they are so young).

This is a very strange comment. You’re saying that you expect your sister to fail as a parent to teenage daughters? That has to be based on some serious undisclosed back story- are you saying she has been an addict or something? You do realise that your sister will be older and wiser by the time her kids are older? You never know, maybe her “active social circle” will give her some tips…

I agree with you that your sister doesn't consider your parents' feelings enough and they indulge her to an extent. I imagine this family dynamic is very well entrenched!

I'm always of the view that it's better not to simmer away in silence. Say what you think and everyone can take it or leave it. I can see for your sister that as she is single she probably doesn't want to do Christmas without family. Could you host her and your brother host parents? Or the other way round?

My in-laws are early 80s and insist on hosting every year. They have a big house to fit everyone in and can afford to outsource things like cleaning, so it's not a big deal to them and everyone mucks in to help. I honestly don't see what your problem is here, apart from your obvious dislike of your sister. You have your own children, so how will you feel if one day one of them starts to try and micro manage your involvement with the other? You are being very unreasonable here.

Agree

still can't work out what's happening though

is it sister and her children staying with parents? What's wrong with that? Sounds easier than going away.

Why don't you and your brother and your families get an air bnb nearby and let your sister stay with your parents if it's too much for them to host you all? Then you can all be together on the day but it won't be such a lot of work for your parents, esp if you all contribute, so someone does starter, someone does crackers, cheese, xmas pudding etc so all they have to do is cook the main course

We want to stay as close as possible to our nieces as well as we think they'll have a difficult time in their teenage years (she's a very good mother while they are so young).@Birminghamx

What does this even mean? Why will they have a difficult time in their teenage years?

You're coming across as extremely judgemental, it's positively leaking out of you!

OP, invite your parents.
Forget about your difficult sister.
Let your parents decide for themselves what they want to do.
You have invited them and can do no more.
With people like your sister be wary of being too involved with her children as she may use them to try to control/manipulate you.
Unfortunately she will not change.
Back away and protect yourself.

Your parents will have to make their own choices.

my general advice is: do not intervene. You will cause lasting bad feeling one way or another. When there is fall out it can fall where you least expect it and does most damage.

You haven’t explained whether you, your brothers and parents live close enough to each other to host dinner or other occasion to share the hosting.

You could assist your parents by taking them a lasagne and a fish pie (or whatever you cook between now and Christmas) to put in the freezer to help with the hosting.

Would your sister be on her own if she didn’t go to your parents?

The baby will be older this year and the other one 3, far more biddable than 2 year olds.

Grandparents frequently exhaust themselves for the pleasure of spending time with their grandchildren.

YANBU to want to help your parents and reduce the strain on them.

YABU to think the best way of helping is to cut out your sister. You say you and DB have ILs to think about - why don’t you take it in turns, so this year you host your DPs and DSis, then next year you have your ILs and your DB has your family. Most families alternate Xmas with ILs.

if you want a relationship with your nieces, the way to ensuring that is to include their mum in your Xmas plans - you can’t expect a positive relationship down the line if you exclude them all from your family Xmas!

Ah the season of love, goodwill and forgiveness encapsulated in a single heart warming post. How lovely.

Well exactly. It's either that or neither of them have room for the parents or sister but they also don't want parents and sister to spend Christmas with each other. Neither option looks very good.

Ugh. It sounds like your sister is difficult but so are you! Your attitude of her being a single parent "unlike us" and living in a small place, she's very much beneath you isn't she? So you're suggesting you exclude her from your family Christmas celebrations because she has children being children.

You mention that you have in laws also to accommodate, which obviously she doesn't but that presumably means she doesn't have any other family to accommodate her, and expect her friends to step in.

You want her to spend Christmas on her own with 2 very young kids because having them around your more traditional families isn't "restful". Sigh