It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

its not* a snub

I voted you’re being unreasonable but it was a mistake. I don’t think you are!
you are being unrealistic though. I have the “less favoured” grandchildren and it does really hurt. I think you need to either accept the inequality or push back every single time though. I am a chicken and just quietly seeth and think she’s a fucking idiot as my children are quite obviously vastly superior and my DM is a moron for favouring my niece 🫢

I would be livid. Somebody can film the nativity. What a joke and rude to boot. She didn't "double book", she's just found out the date of the nativity and it clashes. I'd tell them not to bother and have a lovely weekend together. Not on at all. I'm

She obviously hasn't 'double booked' - she will only have just had the dates for the nativity, so daughter has asked her if she wants to come, and she's ditched you to say yes.

Just take her off the booking and tell her not to bother coming. Let her make the running.

As an aside - I am grateful I'll never have to sit through another nativity again!

So you would be so rude as to do this to your child who had booked and paid for you to have a weekend away? Really? I wouldn't dream of doing this to somebody, let alone one of my kids.

With the travel, the OP said in her first post, it will be 6 hours

where we are yep! there were about 8 of us at sports day 😂 it was hilarious

For those saying it's a couple of hours - she said they will be leaving 11am on the Weds, attending nativity at 12:30, staying for lunch and then travelling back and will aim to be back for 4:30pm, so it is almost the whole day.

I wouldn't be upset if we hadn't booked this and paid it with them in mind - MIL is obsessed with christmas so I thought oh it would be nice to us to go away, see santa, do some festive things. MIL will really enjoy that - it will be special for DD. I can see now that I clearly have mug written on my forehead.

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd - I'm asking her to take priority on the one occasion because we booked for them to come away with us. We asked them if they wanted to come - they said yes, now they're saying they will miss half of it. I don't think I'm being that unreasonable.

Your poor DD.

What if everyone brought that many to a nativity? It wouldn't work would it

Well she should probably have realised the score and given up by now then but I suppose she hoped that MIL might actually prioritise her child for once.
I gave up with MIL when i invited her to lunch with me and my DC and she asked if she could bring SIL's DC as well since SIL "needed a break" (no idea what from). I asked if it could just be us for once and she agreed, only to turn up with them and shout at me when I asked why she had done that.
I leave her to DH now.

I don’t understand why so many women on this site seem so overinvested in their in-laws’ behaviour. She’s not your mother - what do you care?

Because they’re your child’s grandparent.

It's getting worse now! They're staying for lunch too?

How mean to ditch your DD like this. Honestly, surely it would be better if they didn't come at all

YANBU I would be really pissed off with this.

Yes I'd be really saddened by this.

I'd text her back saying something along the line of.

'That's a real shame MIL, we had lots of lovely things booked for us to do together with grandchild and really was hoping for a relaxing quality break with you guys. It sound like a lot of back and forth bother for you guys, so perhaps you should just stay home instead. Can't say we're not disappointed though'

I would understand if OP was annoyed that MIL cancelled a pre-organised trip for the nativity, but she’s going out of her way to see both grandkids and be there for them both. It’s a busy time of year for everyone and she’s travelling hours in one day to make it work for everyone.

so? they do multiple showings, if tickets sell out.

some people want to see the young children in their family doing things, even if its playing a tree in the school play.

The more people who genuinely love, care and pour encouragement into all children is good thing.

When they’re still little, Nativity plays* are very special, especially now - too many schools don’t even bother with them any more.

As a granny myself, I’d really hate to miss Gdcs’ Nativity plays, but I’d try to make the time away as short as possible.

*there’s nothing so guaranteed to have me groping for the tissues as a lot of little kids singing Away In A Manger 🥲

I'd be tempted to pretend to move it to another date and just not let them know

"Oh let's move it to another day, that's too much back and forth for you, DH will be in touch and we'll rearrange"

And then just not and invite your mum instead.

I'd be annoyed too, but you can't change who they are, unfortunately. Even after the blow up last year, their default mode is to prioritise their other grandchild.

I think you're just going to have to come to terms with the situation. I'd take a step back now personally, you've tried your best.

This is just stupid and petty. That’s basically saying “you aren’t spending enough time with our child so now you can spend even less time with them.” Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I didn't know multiple showings was a thing. It's many years since mine did nativity and it was 1 or 2 per pupil.

Completely agree with this.

I am shocked with some responses. If it was a friend that did something like this they would be flamed, and most people would be hurt. It is not ok to be so rude to anybody that has invited you anywhere, let alone family and let alone all expenses paid.

I would double down on them not coming at all, and enjoy a lovely festive break with my little family. If they come it is going to overshadow it, if they stay home you can just forget they were ever coming and enjoy it.

Then never put yourself out for them again.

Good luck!

DH has said he will speak to her tomorrow, but honestly I think this will just be the last time we do this. I had just thought it would be nice for DD to have a few days quality time with GP's before Christmas kicks off - I get MIL is trying to please everyone here but without relaying the entire backstory and hurt I don't think I can fully explain the situation.

Thank you for all of your input - you've certainly made me feel less insane.