It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

I would also bet you’d have a problem with her missing your child’s nativity if she was away with your SIL on a trip. This woman is bending over backwards to accommodate everyone I actually can’t believe you have the cheek to be annoyed at her for it.

So many low bars here.
Are you happy for the disruption to anything you might be doing at the time she comes back, OP?

You could, of course just do your thing and get back to your lodge at bedtime...

And yes: a nativity play in December is entirely foreseeable. Especially to the granny of a Golden Grandchild

How local do you all live to MIL? Is it that she has a closer relationship to her daughter than to your husband? I'm just wondering how the dynamics are.

It sounds like she's trying to please everyone.

I'm wondering what happened with the argument? Does she feel torn and unable to let anyone down in case it all kicks off again?

Without the context and background I’d have said she inadvertently committed to two different things that conflict and is doing her best NOT to show favouritism by trying to attend both. On that basis, given you’re trying to built bridges, I would try not to let the past cloud your judgement and have a nice time the rest of the time you’re with them

Even with that reply just say no.

I would really "honestly it's too
Much for fil, maybe you can fit us in another time, we will send you pics"

I just couldn't tolerate this at all

@CandidFinch - Like I said, she's not a horrible person, and we booked this with her in mind because she loves Christmas. It's DD's first santa visit, the first one she understands and is excited about - she's missing that too. If she was so looking forward to this break, she could forego one nativity for a break that cost us a fair whack of money?

@PeggyMitchellsCameo FIL loves spending time with DD, on #nightmareholidaygate he broke away from the pack to spend time with us and DD whilst MIL spent the entire time with DGS. I imagine he's probably a bit miffed about it, but would never say.

@Mekumeku because she has 3 children. Oldest daughter, middle son (DH) and youngest son who has just moved out and she is in mourning for. DGS has replaced that hole, if I'm honest.

@CandidFinch It's not actually centre parcs - it's a holiday park like centre parcs. I was trying to not give all my actual correct info. I'm not sure why this is being picked apart, I can send booking confirmation 😂

Oof… I’m not surprised you are upset after spending all that money but I think nativity play trumps seeing Santa. It’s a big deal for little ones. They have probably come up with the fairest and best compromise under the circumstances.

If both grandchildren had a nativity play, or any other event, on the same day what would she do then?

In her shoes I would stay at Center Parcs and not go to the play, because it is a 6 hour trip for a 30 minute play and she'll miss a lot of time with her grand-daughter and not spend much time with her grandson - probably just a few minutes after the play.

I'm not sure you can say anything about it beyond how disappointed you are that she'll miss time with your DD without having another row. Can FIL stay with you that day?

It's a nativity thing? They will do it again next year....

Yeh I’d be saying more. Nothing too explosive, but along the lines of “I’m shocked you’ve chosen the nativity of DGG1 over the Christmas activities with DGG2 after the fall out last year, but I suppose this confirms what we were saying. Disappointing after us booking a while ago and you did see the nativity last year.”

I think they are being really really mean.

Why can't she say to her daughter "no, we can't come to DGSs nativity, I'm sorry. We are on a break with your brother and our other GC and it's been booked for 6 months so we are not going to let them down"

I would be keeping the relationship with your DD and them going but I would be stepping back from anything like this again. Their loss.

He is three and a half, so it will be a Nursery Nativity ( his second) . They will stand there, or possibly just sit on little chairs so they don’t wander off, a nursery worker will read something out, they will shake bells and sing some of the words to Little Donkey. Totally meaningless.

Tell the in-laws not to bother coming at all OP, you , your DP and your DD will have a lovely little family break and enjoy Centre Parks.

And if there is karma in the world you won’t be able to get extra tickets for MiL when your DD is chosen to be Mary in a proper School Nativity!

OP what’s your SIL like? Is MIL scared of annoying her? Is she the sort to reduce contact if things don’t go her way?

it sounds like poor MIL is desperately trying a balancing act and I wonder if there is something ever so slightly tipping the balance beyond mere favouritism? I might be way off but worth consideration.

we also sometimes feel like we come second fiddle but for us it’s very much proximity as BIL and family live literally round the corner so they basically spend all their time together and we do feel a bit left out but it’s not actually anyone’s fault

Why didn't you explicitly point out that even if they do the drive, they're still going to miss their granddaughter's first Father Christmas visit? I think you're letting them off the hook a bit. Yes, a nativity is a nice thing to support, but they had committed to this trip first.

@DemonicCaveMaggot no, she doesn't drive so he will have to.

Like I said - she's not a bad person, we always got along well but with the arrival of children things have been pretty tense. I'm not saying she's a bad GP, DD adores her and the time they spend together is lovely. BUT I am hurt that on this occasion, for the sake of a nativity (when she went to the last one and will go to the next) she couldn't just say no and put DD first. Which she honestly has never done.

I don't want her to think it's completely fine and we're brushing it off. I will ask DH to speak with her tomorrow. I know she will probably ask him if I'm annoyed, and I will ask him to be honest!

I would be very disappointed too. In this instance she has made a commitment to your family for a break away doing things that you have booked for your child.

Yes I understand she is trying to stretch herself into two places but it doesn't work. If I were her I would be honouring my first commitment to the break.

Once again it does show you where her priorities lie. I wouldn't say anything more as her text has been polite etc but I would be quietly annoyed as you are.

This ^
The Nativity date was advertised quite recently. There is no double booking. She forgot that she’s going away with you which is fine but for fairness she should have told the other grandchild that unfortunately Gran would miss this one so send me lots of photos.
I would let go genuine double booking or serious medical stuff, it happens but it’s not that. It’s on her that she promised to come to the Nativity without checking so she should show a good example of being a grown up and stick to her promises - should have checked her diary.
What if she’d had a hospital appointment?

Yes, agree about never putting yourself out again.

I'm assuming the SIL is MIL's daughter, and the OP here is never going to be able to compete with a strong mother/daughter relationship. But no grandma should play favourites with the grandchildten as obviously as this.

Bounty9, in light of your updates, I'd be thinking about how to manage your DD's relationship with MIL, if she can't be fairer.

I am hurt that on this occasion, for the sake of a nativity (when she went to the last one and will go to the next) she couldn't just say no and put DD first.
Which she honestly has never done.

Where is the downside of you telling her this?

They didn't "double book" - you booked this trip with them in the summer and the nativity play date will only have been announced recently. So they agreed to go to the nativity play knowing they were away with you at the time.
I wouldn't fall out with them over this, I'd simply tell them not to bother coming just for one night, as your daughter will be tired by the time they arrive and you go home the next day. And I wouldn't invite them on trips again in future. They've made their priorities clear.

Holy Cow I'd be raging OP. I've been in a similar situation. Had a weekend booked in with in-laws and they cancelled for their own daughter. They have a much closer relationship with her although not through lack of trying to facilitate a relationship on our part.

They are paying the price now though. My eldest is JUST like in-laws in terms of interests and my eldest will tolerate GP but will shrug and say "they were never that bothered before I did X and Y". And their other DC are becoming more distant as they get older and don't have those shared interests.

It's caused a lot of ill feeling between siblings and adults too because who wants their precious DC to ever feel second best?

I would probably say to MIL here that you think it would be best if she didn't come because you don't want your DD to feel like Granny is going off for a day. That would really have upset my DD and they would have been asking for Granny all day. And if she tries to say she's doing her best and trying to satisfy everyone say something like "I think it's best we don't discuss it further" so she knows you are insanely pissed off.