It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

I didn’t say that .. I said if there was any way at all to calm the waters … it’s a choice and it’s not unreasonable to let people be and let them see for themselves what their behaviour is
Tomorrow isn’t promised … We all think we have life to hold but in truth it holds us … Family can be absolutely hurtful .. and somethings can’t be forgiven ( I know this and it concerns a child so that’s a no go for me ) .. Let people stew in their own mistakes if they go out their way to hurt … they are in truth hurting themselves too

My mistake I thought you was the OP.

So it is perfectly ok to choose to skip out on the majority of plans you sat down and made with people months ago with you in mind, money spent for another event?

The trip isn’t even two days long and the grandparents are skipping most of the full day. Might as well not have bothered and only kept it to a lunch instead of wasting OP and their son’s money.

Who is also to say that they’ll show up at this grandchild’s nativity if the daughter’s child has a Christmas event the same day.

My son is in year 2 and his school is having a Winter Faire where Year 1 - Year 6 are singing Christmas songs while the nursery and reception children are doing a nativity so there is no guarantee this behaviour won’t continue. Hope it doesn’t though.

Did they want to go to Centre Parks? Or did you book and tell them they could come? I can’t imagine being at all excited by it, tbh I would rather go to the local leisure centre. Definitely a nativity would be preferable.
What about fil? You seem to vent all your angst on mil

It's not Center Parcs RTFT

I think yabu slightly and I wouldn’t be too hard on her or necessarily assume this has anything to do with favouritism or anything personal against you so I don’t think you need to be upset. A nativity is a fairly big deal, but the date might not have been in the calendar for long- primary schools are notoriously bad at not giving tons of notice for these things- or she just hadn’t clocked it was the same day. Just let her come for whatever time she can manage and don’t overthink it.

There is a one year age gap.

OP isn't jealous, she is worried that her daughter will be hurt by MIL's obvious favouritism for her grandson.

It is also the height of rudeness by OP's MIL to abandon a trip and activity that they have already agreed to attend and which OP has paid for.

RTFT. It's not Centre Parcs. The MIL sat and planned the trip with OP and her husband who booked and paid for the activities they ALL chose. MIL is now leaving on activities day to go to a nativity. Not on at all.

This woman has clear priorities

It’s not you and nor is it your child

Accept it and move on

Pushing back won’t help at all.

Just caught up with this and really can’t believe some people!

I’m not sure that I could have kept my temper in this situation.

waiting to see if OP comes back with any further updates

Exactly this!!
id be pissed off @Bounty9 , I would just ask her straight if she could please just honour the fact you’ve booked this mini break to spend time together and could she not just tell SIL that she’s sorry but she can not make the nativity play! It’s not even like it’s his first or last one!!
if she can not say no to a silly nativity for your family then I would be telling her to stay home and I would honestly take your parents instead.
it’s absolutely ridiculous of them to come for an evening, miss the main day with all the main events booked and then come back for one evening again just to sleep there and travel home again in the morning!
I’m afraid I’d be prioritising those who prioritise means I’d be spending all future Christmases with my own family! I couldn’t put myself out for this woman again, whether she’s normally nice or not, she
doesnt respect you or prioritise you!

This @Bounty9
i grew up with a grandmother like your MIL..
My Grandad just toed the line as did as he was instructed, he would’ve been your FIL driving MIL Back and fourth despite thinking it was daft and a waste of fuel and time!! My mum (you in this scenario) putting up with us clearly not being equals… she never said a word in order to keep the peace…
im your daughter in this scenario… I grew up knowing my eldest cousin was the favourite, my grandparents made so much effort to watch all her activities and talked about her like the sun shone out of her arse! My nan is 99 now, still favours my cousin despite me being the only DGC out of 7 who sees her weekly, I’m the one who pops in to check she’s ok, changes her bed for her, I’m the DGC who visited her weekly when she was hospital with a broken bone, my cousin didn’t see my nan once in 3 months… but still she’s the favourite… I’ve said twice to my nan how it’s disappointing favourite cousin hasn’t seen her.. both time my nan has said ‘oh maybe she doesn’t know I’ve been in hospital’… both times I pointed out that she’s known since the day she went in…both times my nans chosen to ignore that!…. The favourites can do no wrong though!!… I get scorned or guilt tripped if I miss a week!…
I wish my mum had pulled away when we were little…now my parents and I are the ones caring for my Nan in her old age, while her favourite son and favourite DGC go about their stress free single lives, we get the moans and groans while their visits are met with ‘ oh it’s lovely to see you / thanks for coming’ etc… then we here for days about how wonderful they are for visiting once in a blue moon!!
Your daughter probably already knows, children aren’t silly!

I feel for you, but I also don't know why you put up with this. I wouldn't choose to spend time and effort on someone who has put me second/ third place over the years. Why do you do this, I wonder?

Because it’s a pattern of manipulation and abuse! I’ve been raised by a mother who was abused by my nan and yet of the 3 children she is the one now caring for the parent who abused her and not the elder two…. We were (4 siblings) bought up excepting my nans ways.. as the only female child of my mothers in the country I am expected to help…. I help because otherwise my mum gets moaned at then in turn my mother gets upset with me. I do it also because for the last 9 years we’ve been told it could be her last! I recognise its coercive behaviour, I know she treated my mum (the accident) terribly when she was child, inflicting both emotional & physical abuse on her, my mum is in her 70’s and still can’t say no to her mother, I’m in my 40’s and can’t say no… my nan has a way of manipulating the people round her to do as she pleases and sulks if you don’t. She’s a very lovely but nasty person!! And that doesn’t make sense I know…. But she just has a way of being very sweet or very hard dumb by to get what she wants from people…

And now she’s 99, frail in body, living with my parents who are struggling with how manipulative she is… my dad can do wrong, my mum can do no right…. Even down to there being too much food on her plate rather than just saying thank you for dinner!… I have to help out to give my mum a break, it’s complicated but my nans favourite child, her son, does very little .. the elder daughter(my aunt) fell out with my nan 20 odd years ago!! My aunt has three daughters.. the eldest is my nans first and favourite grandchild,.., the other 2 also have nothing to do with my nan!
my mother is the youngest, the accident and was told this constantly not just growing up but even now.. my mum had 4 children, 2 live abroad, the other is a boy so nothing is expected from him… I’m effectively the only female able and willing to help my parents!… it’s crap!
my daughter is strong and independent and doesn’t stand for any nonsense! So thankfully the cycle is broken.

I'm sorry for asking in the first place. You recognise yourself that it's coercive.
I don't have any time for 'it could be X's last whatever' and cannot be guilted into anything ( other than for my children!!) but that's a pattern from my own situation and reaction to it too

Hope it gets easier

How's it going OP? Is it nativity day today?

Thanks everyone, we don't go away for another 2 weeks yet. I haven't seen MIL since before she told me, and I won't be seeing her for another week so thankfully I have some time to cool off. I am still annoyed, if I'm honest. It's definitely tainted things between us. I want to just get there, enjoy the time with DD and then know it's the last trip we have planned with them. Thankfully I have a lovely sister who is a great sounding board!

I hope you and your DD have a lovely time.

Hopefully your MIL won't come back from the nativity banging on how amazing her grandson was in front of you and your daughter. She doesn't sound like the sort of woman to be tactful.

Sadly my mum is quite manipulative too (possibly without realising) and has a way of guilting us into sing what she wants. Just acts wounded sometimes so I grew up just doing things to please her… no surprise my first relationship was abusive - but I learnt so much from that relationship and while I tolerate being manipulated I’ve never allowed it with my daughter…. She’s actually quite stubborn and I say that as a positive trait because I’m sure she’ll have positive relationships as a result.
My nan is very elderly now, I can’t imagine she’ll have many more Christmases now… I just really hope she doesn’t spoil this year.. last year she made my mum cry!!
anyway. Thank you for your kind words

Such a shame you can’t take your sister instead x

I’m sorry your MiL is like this. I completely understand and empathise, my MIL is exactly the same and has my SIL daughter in a pedestal. It used to piss me off, now my eldest is of an age that she can see the favouritism. My youngest isn’t quite there yet, I look forward to the day I don’t have to speak to the c*nt anymore

I know! @T1Dmama - in hindsight, I wish we had. She has a 1 year old DD who would've loved it, but we just don't live close enough. Thankfully we have started planning next years Christmas trip with her and my BIL which will be much less stressful!

I'd be really hurt too. I mean, I can understand she doesn't want to miss the nativity but that in turn means that she's missing her granddaughter's first visit to see Santa and she's willing to miss that 'first'. I'd say it's her loss!

@Bounty9 did your dp say anything to his mother when he was there yesterday? what was her response and does she understand why you are feeling as you do now?

Not the main point of the post but many schools don't, often only nursery, sometimes reception but not always. Many mn threads on here bemoaning that fact