It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

I'm surprised that your DH isn't hurt by this, is he used to playing second fiddle to his sister?
I understand that MIL might be disappointed that the dates clash but they do and she has a prior commitment with another gc, which is also a generous gift.
I think saying something, calmly would be appropriate in this case.
Pretending you don't care isn't a response that is going to get different behavior in the future. You have decades of future contacts ahead and dropping your dc for the other gc will get noticed by everyone including dc over time.

I think that’s an awful thing to do. Again, they are grandparents not parents.
I would grin and bear it this time but wouldn’t bother booking anything for them again.

This is awful.

It's not that they're just favouring a me GC over the other, they're also snubbing your generous holiday gift.

I'd never invite them again to be honest. You all deserve more. Get on with your life and let them be divisive alone.

@Bounty9

If you booked so long ago, the holiday was definitely in the diary prior to the nativity date. She's not double booked or being pulled in two directions - she's choosing the nativity over spending time with you / DH / DC. It's crappy of her!

She'd made a commitment to go with you and is backing out of it - I'd tell her not to bother coming at all rather than leave for 6 hours and come back raving about the nativity.

Honestly it’s BS and you and your DH should be annoyed tbh…

you booked them first now they have a better offer off golden child so they are binning you off.

if you can I’d amend the booking and save yourself a few hundred and tell them to stay home and you’ll do it “some other time” like the 12th of never

if not amendable I would still actually tell them to stay home and save themselves the driving and either invite your parents / siblings / friends instead.

there is no way they’d be coming on that holiday with me and my family.
and I wouldn’t be bothering to organise much for them because ot put in much effort going forward.

your mil should be embarrassed…

I doubt that she doubke- booked - she just regards the nativity play as the bigger, better offer.

Given that the holiday is a thank- you to them and that she is not abandoning the arrangement completely I'd accept the situation graciously. In fact, I'd take is as a win - you get the kudos of having paid for a break for them, but get to please yourselves for much of it.

I want to stop you from saying something you'll regret, but I don't want to stop you from saying anything at all.

I think the biggest regret you'd have is letting it slide.

Before you say anything you need to get DH on the same page and get him to see this isn't about you it's about your child, which is HIS child and his mum displaying favouritism once again.

This was booked before they even started considering the nativity play, and they're letting their grandchild down by not being present in her life.

I'd be sickly sweet asking her if its really worth driving all the way to Centre parks to then leave and come back etc.

Much better she doesn't incur all those fuel costs, plus the driving will really take it out of her and I'd be very concerned with her driving all that time and staying awake etc. What if there were traffic jams making the time even longer?

We'll just cancel you off the booking. Much better all round.

Perhaps we can reschedule another time (over my dead body).

Given that the holiday is a thank- you to them and that she is not abandoning the arrangement completely I'd accept the situation graciously. In fact, I'd take is as a win - you get the kudos of having paid for a break for them, but get to please yourselves for much of it.

This. Just reframe the whole thing as a nice break for your family, tell them they needn't come at all back since it's a long way, and joy your break.

Never ever put yourself out again.

How is a nativity foreseeable when schools haven’t even set dates until after half term?

My parents came to every one of their grandchildren’s nativities. It was an important part of Christmas for them and the children.

For those suggesting video - Schools don’t allow filming anymore in most cases.

Honestly I would tell them not to bother coming. People only treat you badly if you let them.

Yes it's a bit annoying for them to miss this nativity but surely it's one of those Things. Surely the child actual parents can send a little video

The op says it's a 3 day break so I assume they travel up on the Friday, travel home on the Sunday, giving them only 1 full day there.

I wouldn't put up with this. She hasn't unintentionally double booked, she's just decided that your trip isn't as important to her so she's letting you down.

You're right to feel hurt and annoyed. I would uninvite them.

I'm assuming one full day, two night stay.

Tell them its not really worth coming .
I have been in your position OP and no longer do holidays with the in laws due to my DC having to come second to SIL's batshit over the top PF (and S) B antics. My kids are old enough to realise now and view MIL as a wonderful GP as long as their cousins aren't around.

I am honestly so glad I posted here, thank you for your responses.

@CandidFinch the reason we booked it is because we do have a good relationship with them separate from SIL. It took a good year to rebuild the bridges after the dreaded whole family holiday last year and things were positive. We do get on with SIL also but the favouritism is so rife in a big group that DH and I decided to remove ourselves from it, but encourage a relationship between GPs and DD - which we thought was the mature thing to do for her sake.

I've spoken to DH about this a few times - either he really just isn't bothered, or puts on a great poker face. He says if it ever appears to be having an effect on DD, then he will pick it up, otherwise we just continue as we are.

Oh and the 'unintentional' comment is laughable because this woman has a paper diary and she definitely, 100% would've checked and thought I'll say yes and then give my excuses to Bounty9 nearer the time.

I have sent her a text, I have said that it's a real shame. it's a lot of travelling - she will miss the majority of activities on the day and so it would be easier for her to stay at home and just come up that evening once nativity is finished. She has replied "Oh no, it's ok - FIL is fine with the driving. I've been really looking forward to this break, just unfortunate the DGS nativity has fallen in the middle'.

I think I'm just going to leave it now and let DH speak to her when he sees her tomorrow.

So what the holiday has been in the diary for six months? She obviously didn’t know the nativity date six months ago.

Not many people would be willing to travel for hours in one day to keep two families and their kids happy. You’re lucky she’s willing to do that for you. Let this one go.

(Also, you seem to think you’re doing her a favour by “treating” her to this holiday, but she’s actually the one doing you a favour by going! Centre parcs isn’t everyone’s idea of a good time and you should bear that in mind.)

Just to clarify - we are travelling up Tuesday, staying Wednesday, coming home Thursday.

If the parents are available to go, I'd tell her not to bother coming. The first nativity I'd say fair enough, but not the second and not when she has another grandchild. This is your DD's first Christmas were she is properly engaging and that should now take priority.

Why do you think your MIL prefers the grandson?

I wonder how the poor FIL feels? He may have been looking forward to the break and now he’s got to add hours of driving to the day.