It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

How on earth is a nativity for a 3.5yo more important than this one off mini holiday.

I would honestly say to her... I am very disappointed. We have had this booked for 6 months now and you are letting us, and more importantly, your grandaughter down. She was so looking forward to spending time with you both.

I couldn't get worked up about this honestly. She's a grandmother and I think it's quite normal for grandparents to want to be at a nativity, which happens once a year! Our nativity dates were only given 2 weeks ago. She hasn't double booked, but the date has just come out. Can't be helped and she's not cancelling on you!

They had already agreed to come on the holiday with you and your DD but are letting you all down in favour of her other grandchild? That is unacceptable, especially given their previous prioritising of this grandchild. I would be totally furious and wouldn't bother with them any more.

they're just popping to see the play then they'll be back, its disappointing, but they'll be back by dinner

I don't think in the grand scheme of things its snub really.

my entire family goes to everyones performances if they can, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great aunts and uncles. its nice!

I don’t understand why so many women on this site seem so overinvested in their in-laws’ behaviour. She’s not your mother - what do you care?

I get annoyed when my mum does stuff like this but with my partner’s family I consider it his family, his problem.

Make your life easier and unburden yourself from the stress of caring. Annoying you’ve paid for it but more annoying to waste time fuming over it.

this, its a couple of hours.

I imagine this post is from someone who hasn't experienced the way some MIL's prioritise their daughters children over their sons.
It won't be in isolation, OP will be sick of all the minor incidents of favouritism and probably just wanted a couple of days where HER child was the sole focus for his GP's

Keep the conversation simple, it’s not true that it was double booking - another event came up and she wants to prioritize it.
I would be furious if I were your DH.

@Bounty9 sorry but it appears that the sun shines out of the first grandchild's backside and that is the way it will be for evermore!! your daughter will forever remain inconsequential in those gps' lives! been there, done that, worn out the tee shirt!

She is all but cancelling! She will be gone most of the day with a long round trip, and possibly missing lots of fun activities of her Grandaughter.

Just so mean.

My sister’s in laws are like this and it’s so blatant. Even to the extent they did something with a different grandchild on one of her children’s birthdays. I don’t know how she keeps her mouth shut about it. I wouldn’t be able to hold back from giving them a piece of my mind.

You have two choices, really. One is to just say nothing, but resolve to never plan or book anything like this for them again.

And the other is to say, we’re really hurt you have clearly chosen one grandchild over the other. We won’t be planning or inviting you to something like this again, so I hope you’re happy with your choice.

Sadly some grandparents do have favourites, often the first/oldest grandchild and it is hurtful. All you can do is protect your own children from being hurt by it.

my entire family goes to everyones performances if they can, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great aunts and uncles. its nice!

Do they let that many in? This is something I've never heard of. It was a long time ago for nativity with mine, but it was strictly just 1 or 2 max.

Because 1 year in she still has hope, I didn't lose mine until year 2 I think!

Even if he was Joseph I’d still be pissed off, lol (speaking as a parent whose child was indeed a sheep last year!).

Yanbu op.

I understand she wants to see dgs in his nativity but she had plans and it's exceptionally rude to dump you in this way. It's not a casual shopping trip or a day out that can be easily rearranged. I'd just tell them not to bother and never arrange trips away with them again.

No it's not. The OP has said with the long journey there and back it's 6 hours

No point in them being there at all IMHO

I think MILs are damned if they do, damned if they don’t.

These boards are full of posts from OP’s who essentially don’t even want their MIL involved in their children’s lives unless strictly on their terms, but are happy for their own mums to be involved. And now we have a MIL who is happy to be involved with both children and that’s not good enough because the OP’s DD should apparently take priority.

TBH you sound jealous of the fact that your MIL has another grandchild she also adores. I wonder whether this favouritism really exists or what the other side of the story is.

But they'll be missing the highlight of trip – granddaughter going to see Father Christmas for the first time.

I wouldn't be mentioning the prioritizing of one child over another. I would be saying, firmly, "no that doesn't work for us. We'll do something another time"

I may ponder sending her a tear stained video of DD saying "I wish granny was here she loves santa" wouldn't fo it. But I wouldn't be re-arranging a trip either)

OP is not "lucky". It's awful behaviour from the grandparents. You've already updated, OP, or I would have suggested saying 'as you've now made other plans for the weekendof our trip, we'd prefer it if you didn't come and we've made alternative arrangements'. I would be really angry about the comings and goings and the 6 hour absence and it would spoil the very short weekend.

I wouldn't make any more plans, OP, even if you do go along with this daft solution they havecome up with.