It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

I guess most people wouldn't want to miss a Nativity play.
It is rather special.
It not a go at you.

Ahh I feel sorry for her.

She sounds like a committed gran who's trying her best to be fair, but being pulled in two different directions on this occasion.

If she's happy to do the trip, let her do it and just be happy she cares enough about both grandchildren, to want to please them both.

I'd be furious. She's already booked with you. It's not OK to bail on you, especially as you've paid for it!
I think you can see where your DD comes in her priority list.

I agree with pp, a nativity play is pretty big thing to miss.

If she did it again, then yes I’d be upset, but try not to let this one wreck all the good work

I’d tell them not to bother coming, theres no reason for GPs to be at a nativity (at ours it was 2 tickets per child) the blatant favouritism will be noticed by your DC as they get older and will impact the relationship not only with the GPs but possibly their cousin too. I would try to nip this in the bud.

I'd feel upset about that too - when did you arrange the holiday? I'd be more annoyed if that was first and now they were missing 6+ hours of the day to go and watch a nativity for a grandchild.

They're clearly prioritising the nativity and their grandson, which is uncomfortable especially as you've booked the trip to thank them.

Also - it's the parents who should be prioritising the nativity, surely the GPs can watch a recording?

Why is the holiday only for one full day if you’re all going together?

They are bailing out on an accepted invitation for a nursery nativity that will.last 30 minutes tops.
I'd be pissed off.

Surely a nativity is a huge deal for parents not grandparents. If it was, for a lot of families that would be 6 adults per child watching…

I think she’s being unreasonable. You have paid for her to be there.

I would either cancel the whole trip or just remove them from the booking. There really is no point in them coming as they aren't actually going to be there during the day when your dc will be awake.
They have made a choice and your family aren't their priority.
I also wouldn't book any significant events with them moving forward, let them do this if they want to.

Thanks everyone. She did go to his nativity play last year also - DD doesn't have one so maybe I'm just not seeing the big deal around that.

@TTPDTS we booked the break in the summer - dates have been in the diary for at least 6 months.

@yeesh DH works in retail and can only get a few days off in December, but we wanted to do something christmassy.

It's just so disappointing, I felt like things were finally balancing out.

I didn't care if I upset my MIL in answer to her upsetting Mr, DH or the DC's.

I'd tell her not to bother coming to Centre Parcs and to enjoy the nativity play.

Then dial right back and let her do the running - or not - to see DD

Got to be honest, I would be really miffed too.

Doesn't every kid get a spot in the nativity? Are they seriously suggesting a 3 hour round trip to see him play sheep number 4?

I really feel for your DH. It's really hurtful and I think him playing it off as no big deal is him trying to pretend it's OK.

It's not ok.

Why is all the blame on MIL ? Does FIL have no say in this ?

It's pretty normal in my experience for the first grandchild, and particularly a daughter's child, to seem to be favoured even if that's not really what is happening.

It's really difficult to treat all grandchildren in an identical manner but are you sure that the treatment is unequal or unfair and not just different ? You said you had a really good relationship with her before GC came along so it's unlikely that she's suddenly become unreasonable. Have a chat with them both, explain how you're feeling and see what they say - it may be that they can set your mind at rest and you can move on from this with better relationships all round.

It’s a shame they will miss the nativity and I can understand her being disappointed. But it’s pretty entitled of her to be missing most of your trip that’s already booked and paid for. Sometimes we can’t have everything we want, and this is one of those times for her. She shouldn’t be ditching your DD so she can “have it all”.

also nativity plays for nursery children are sweet for the parents but really, it’s not worth a 6 hour trip to see you grandchild shuffling about with a tea towel over his head, perhaps mumbling a line but most likely being corralled about by the teacher and stuck behind someone else’s kid so you can’t see them anyway. Pictures / a video is surely enough, then she can see him in the one next year (and the next, and the next etc etc). Guarantee she’s much less excited about it next yr, and even less excited about it when it’s your DD’s turn 🙄😂

To be honest, the poor grandparents sound like they are being pulled in all directions trying to please everyone.

I’m sorry, OP , and I completely understand you’re hurt. But I wouldn’t want to miss a nativity either. There are so few of them and schools are dropping them all
the time.

The local primary used to do nativities up to Y6. Then it was Y4, then KS1 and now it’s only Nursery and Reception. They are memories you keep forever.

I’m sure your DD will have a wonderful time and it will be lovely for you. Your in-laws will miss out on some that, yes, but there’s no reason you can’t enjoy it to the full.

It's just so disappointing, I felt like things were finally balancing out.

Aw fuck her. Seriously. Move forward by doing what ever you like, invite her or not but be aware your DD is second choice.

Your DH can address it if he wants

Parents maybe. There's no need whatsoever for a grandparent to miss out on pre arranged plans with their other grandchild just to attend. The holiday was booked long before the nativity date was set.

I kind of agree with this! But don't want to invalidate you OP as you say she's shown blatant favouritism before- what did that look like in the past? Giving her the benefit of the doubt, was she just more invested in her DGC at that time as he's older and she'd had more time to bond? It sounds like her bond with your dd is growing very nicely if your dd adores her so it would be a shame to spoil that with bad feelings. This has been in the diary for months but the nativity date will have only just recently been announced so she'll be feeling torn I imagine.

She hasn't 'unintentionally double booked herself' tho has she - if you've had this trip planned since the summer, there is no way they would have had the nativity dates then, she's obviously just found out the nativity dates and decided to prioritise that. Given she went to the nativity last year too, and clearly had this trip planned first, I would be furious.

Does she get a lot of pressure from SIL to attend stuff like this? Our nativity is always 2 people per child so is always me and DP.

So she's already seen his first Nativity.
She's a shit grandma then isn't she really, you can't be great if you have favourites and display it so clearly.
I'd let her do what she wants on the day so they can't use a cancellation as ammo back at you and then leave any organising for them to see DD in their court.
It's a shame.

No. They had an arrangement. Now they are blowing OP off for an entirely foreseeable thing?

I think sometimes the seeming favouritism from in-laws comes from being more comfortable in situations with your daughter’s children.

Like she probably worries less about stepping on her daughter’s toes with her GS. Plus she might enjoy activities with her daughter like the nativity…

Still think you’re right to be pissed off and she’s out of order for the holiday though.

Totally disagree that the nativity could in any way trump this prior engagement. She's grandmother, not the parents. It's important they are at the nativity not her, not when she's committed to a holiday.