It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

I would understand if OP was annoyed that MIL cancelled a pre-organised trip for the nativity, but she’s going out of her way to see both grandkids and be there for them both

Well.... she's not is she..
It's one full day and she won't be there for 6 hours of it.

Call me old fashioned but if I commit to something, I don't mess that person around if something better else comes up.

You need to accept that your idea of this in your head isn’t the same as everyone else’s. You have booked what you think MIL would like, and chosen to pay for it. She hasn’t asked you to do any of this! You think you’re doing her a huge favour and ignoring the fact it’s your trip, for your child, that you want to do, and it’s you who wants MIL to be there. Her attendance is a favour to you, not the other way round.

11-430 isn’t unreasonable at all! You’ll have breakfast and dinner with her.

All that effort for a nativity play?!

11-4.30 is not a full day. And why can’t she be there for both her grandchildren? OP’s gripe is that she favours the other grandchild, and now she wants hers to be favoured. If she wanted it to be fair, she wouldn’t be annoyed at MIL turning up for both grandchildren!

@walltowallkents I think to say her coming is a favour to me is a bit of a slap in the face to be honest.

Do you have any idea why MIL favours her grandson? Is it a male favouritism thing or is she closer to the boys mother than your husband? Whatever it is, it’s not on.

Not insane at all. I'd be pissed off too in your situation. Well at least you know not to bother in future!

As a devoted grandmother myself, I think it’s ridiculous that your in-laws are flaking on a prior commitment to you. It’s bad form.

Blinking heck, my son in law is sadly probably going to miss nativity due to being a teacher in another school. I live over the road from the school and am not expecting to go, unless there’s a spare ticket. It’s for the parents. I think sometimes grandparents forget their place in things. We’ve had our day. Does pressure come from SiL for her mum to attend all these things?

The nativity will probably be recorded.

Is MiL going to miss seeing Father Christmas with your daughter? Does she know that?

Even without any backstory it's still rude op. You don't ditch someone you have plans with because a better offer comes up.

I would feel annoyed but saying something probably won't change anything

yes @Apolloneuro - we had the activities planned for a while as we sat down as a group and booked them up.

Sometimes it is the best thing to say no. To honour a commitment that has been made. To give full attention to the GC she has agreed to be with.

I can't believe people think this is OK. She's even going to stop for lunch with the other grandchild... no rushing back for the trip that was booked six months ago!

What was the previous obvious favouritism, that led to the fall out?

I guess, as parents, we all think out child is most important, and feel it very deeply when we think they are being treated less favourably. I just leave it uk the child though.. do they seem bothered about any of it. We can feel wounded unnecessarily at times.

This
The fact that she is doing 2 trips in a day to return to you speaks volumes.
Give MIL credit
Also, re your previous big family holiday; they rarely have happy endings

They wouldn't have known when the nativity play was on when you booked. Not saying you shouldn't be priority

The woman still has to eat 😂 especially on a three hour round trip!

they'll be there for breakfast and back before dinner... its still not that big of an issue.

does she know she's missing her first santa visit?

Exactly!! Especially not a grandchild! The polite response would be that it's a shame that GC's Nativity has clashed with something else!

I cannot believe some these responses!

Oh dear. That’s very rude. Never mind. You’ll still enjoy them.

I had a friend once who tried to keep everyone happy. She’d have done something like this and end up making nobody happy.

She made plans, yet a “better offer” came along. The right thing to do would have been to tell SIL that she already had plans, and unfortunately she can’t make the play this year. She didn’t. She dropped you at the expense of SIL. She is giving you a message here; loud and clear.

Honestly just don't worry about it. Both MIL and my Mum had very clear favourites and neither were my children. I've got over it and actually my sis found it really annoying and my sil finds it embarrassing.
The kids are now teens and don't give a shit

That's because relationships are dynamic and change with time. OP was disappointed with MILon the nightmare holiday, addressed the issue, made adjustments, then moved on.

Now this. Another unforseeable disappointment and OP is hurt. It doesn't beggar belief that OP is trying to forge working intergenerational relationships.

Eventually she'll give up. And then MIL will be on here, sad that she doesn't see her DGD as much as she'd like, and inviting us to agree that her DIL is a cow.

To be honest, the damage is done now isn't it?

You had a family holiday which went badly, you've tried to repair the damage with a short break away inviting the in-laws and they're bailing on the bulk of it, after agreeing to come and letting you spend the money, for a "better offer".

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

I'm guessing you'll never plan another holiday with them again now, Their loss 🤷‍♀️

How does favouritism show generally?

I’d be really upset in your situation. I would have text and said ‘I understand you don’t want to miss dgs nativity but in order to do that you’re missing all of the activities we have planned with dd and hoped you’d share with us.