It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

It's not a competition. I am responding to what the OP said. As for competition between mothers and daughters, that is not unusual at all. The GM helps with childcare so she will obviously have a close bond with the GS but she should know when to step back. The GS also needs to learn that he's not more important than the other GC.

@Tandora My mum had a very close relationship with my daughter when she was little but she certainly didn't ride roughshod over me or my rules/boundaries in the way OP's MIL is doing with her SIL. I've seen this happen before in my own circle. Some grandparents really do act as though they have had another child. It's weird.

OP, my advice is based on experiencing favoritism from your DD’s point of view. At this point, she may not have noticed it, but she will if things continue. She will be hurt by it in the future if your MIL doesn’t change or if you and DH don’t protect her from it. Your DH may be happy ignoring it, but for the sake of your DD, he needs to act.

One of my grandparents had an obvious favorite. My parents never did anything about it and continued to send me for visits. At first, when the favorite wasn’t there, visits would be fun. My grandparent, however, wanted all her grandchildren together, and then I ended up always wondering what was wrong with me and why was I being ignored, excluded or pushed aside. As I got older, even when the favorite wasn’t there, at least part of the visit involved looking at photos of the awesome trips they took with the favorite and pictures of the favorite with gifts they’d been given. I spent most of my teens and early twenties trying to change myself into someone my grandparent would love as much as the favorite.

As an adult, with children of my own, I have a minimal relationship with my grandparent. My children barely know them and we never visit when the favorite or the favorite’s children are there. The favorite’s children are the next generation favorites. I’ve confronted my parents about not intervening on my behalf, but they just say that it wasn’t socially acceptable to keep kids away from grandparents. One of my parents also shows marked favoritism, and I’ve distanced myself and my children from them. My grandparent and parent deny ever having a favorite and refuse to even try to change.

but I will let her know I’m not just going to let this one be brushed under the carpet l

i wonder what that looks like in practice.

What a hullabaloo

you would cut out this woman completely out of your life?

Let me guess… you’re no contact with quite a few people in your family?

I bet all these posters saying this is an over reaction were the favourite or have never been on the exclusion end of a similar situation. @Ivymom ’s experience is very similar to my own. The damage to self esteem is very very real and lasts a life time. I’m not sure why people think it’s preferable to pussy foot round this nasty woman than protect the child.

this nasty woman

?!

@Tandora yes. I absolutely think this MIL is nasty. On the Paris holiday to ignore her granddaughter’s attempts at getting her attention/requests to play because she’s busy with grandson the entire holiday rather than being fair and sharing her time between them. What else would you call that?

Forcing out her own daughter so her relationship with Grandson is stronger than his relationship with his mother - what else would you call that? She had her turn to raise kids, now she’s depriving her daughter of that special bond because she wants it again. Nasty. Selfish.

Choosing to miss her granddaughters first time meeting Father Christmas to see grandson in a nativity for a second time. That would be nasty even it wasn’t all pre-arranged months in advance and ducking out of the main part of a trip paid for by her son and OP.

You must have very low standards of acceptable behaviour if you think any of this is less than nasty.

Honestly, kids have so few nativities I wouldn’t want to miss it either. Are you just don’t day passes for Center Parcs? Is there not another day you could change to?

Forcing out her own daughter so her relationship with Grandson is stronger than his relationship with his mother

Bonkers.

Choosing to miss her granddaughters first time meeting Father Christmas

Even more bonkers.
Since when is “the first time you meet Father Christmas” a thing?! you know it’s just a random man dressed in a red coat and a fake beard right? And most small children are at best a little creeped out and at worst thoroughly alarmed by the experience 😂.

why should they? Again i say its rude to sack off an accepted invitation in favour of a later invitataion.

It's not bonkers at all. OP's MIL's behaviour is definitely damaging to OP's DD's self esteem.

The Santa experience that OP describes actually sounds lovely and I'm sure her daughter will love it.

I'm not sure what's so magical about the nursery nativity, which the MIL attended last year and why you think that attending this is so important while belittling and mocking an experience that OP's MIL agreed to attend and which OP has actually paid for.

You are beginning to sound like a bit of a dick to the OP to be honest.

@Tandora @PurpleFlower1983 So I’m to understand that by your logic a nativity is of the utmost importance (you only get a few - you get around the same amount of Father Christmas visits by the way) but meeting Father Christmas is not as important as a nativity. Hence the MIL is justified in her decision (conveniently ignoring her favouritism in Paris and the rudeness of missing a pre-booked paid for trip)?

It’s an interesting take as I’m lucky enough all 4 of my DDs grandparents have tickets booked to see her meet Father Christmas for the first time next month. But they’ll be leaving the nativities to us and be happy with a video if we’re fortunate enough to get the time off work.

Seriously - were/are you the favourite? Are you a parent or grandparent that likes to play favourites? I just can’t fathom why you don’t want this little girl‘s self worth protected. It doesn’t need to be WW3 or a falling out. Just a few firm words from the OP (ideally her DH). People let CFs ride rough shod over them for fear of confrontation and offending people who have already offended them! That’s ‘Bonkers’. I do speak from
experience as I’ve already mentioned in previous posts. My DM resents my DF for never saying anything. And he’s said since I had DD he regrets it and he would absolutely protect my DD if the same situation arose now and he’s sorry he didn’t do that for me.

@Tandora please elaborate on ‘Bonkers’. I’ve just repeated what the OP said about the MIL treating the grandson as her own child and taking the prime spot for his affections in place of his DM. If you’re agreeing that MIL is bonkers for doing this, I’m right there with you! My own DM has tried to do this a bit with my DD. Despite having two DDs of her own and knowing DD will be my only one. It’s unhinged and annoying but luckily my DD adores me and won’t give my DM the ‘top spot’ like she’d like.

To be clear I don’t think attending a nativity play is of primary importance - nor is “meeting Santa”.

I understand why OP is hurt, at the same time from MIL’s perspective she has double booked herself and is trying to balance doing both the Christmas trip with her DGD and nativity with her DGS.

Whether she called this right on this occasion, I think it’s utterly absurd and downright bonkers that people are calling her “a nasty woman”, “abhorrent”, “unforgivable” and suggesting she is doing untold harm to her DGD. (And DGS and daughter apparently!!)

I’d be interested to hear the perspectives of OP’s partner, her SIL and the MIL on these wild accusations.

(Also on the subject of nativity vs “meeting Santa”, personally watching my DD’s nativity plays are far more precious memories that when my DD “met Santa” for the first time. But that’s not really the point.)

They're not in bloody Center Parcs read the thread ffs

@Tandora she didn't double book! She sat down with her son and his wife and planned the break away and the activities which OP then paid for. The date for the nativity came much later so she prioritised that over the arrangements already made. A normal person would have stuck to the plans made in order to be there for her granddaughter and asked for the nativity to be filmed. I can't see why you can't see this.

Seriously - were/are you the favourite?

No. I love my grandmother dearly but she’s much closer to my cousin.

Are you a parent or grandparent that likes to play favourites?

No. I’m not a grandparent.

Accept that this trip will be spoilt, and grin and bear it. She is going to let your daughter down repeatedly, her behaviour is loud and clear, my other grandchild takes priority.

So I would stop making any effort, do not prevent MIL/FIL from seeing your daughter but do not facilitate it in any way.

I've had no contact with my in-laws for 8 years and our teens have recently decided enough.

Those are the facts that you have assumed and they may or may not be the case.
But from MIL’s perspective she has stated that she has “double booked” herself.
Right or wrong, MIL seems to think that she needs to try to do both activities - hence a lot of driving to fit both in.

Maybe she is wrong, and I do see why it has caused OP offence and hurt, but again I cannot see how it rises to the threshold of abhorrent offence that people are projecting on this thread.

@Tandora I disagree as does most on this thread. It's vile behaviour.

And we have added “vile” to the list of extremes

yes we will have to agree to disagree

I second ‘vile’. It is. It’s blatant favouritism and that is vile.

This precisely. She committed the rudeness of sacking off an accepted invitation for a later one. (is anybody bored with my saying this yet because I am)

@godmum56 I know I am. The OP said the trip has been booked for months. I don’t know any nursery nativities where dates are declared in Sept or before!

Absolutely clutching at straws to defend this woman and I’ve no idea why.