It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

So to me the facts are :

she was carrying her DGS (I believe he is younger?)

At least once DD asked to hold her hand/ be picked up , but she said no because she was already holding DGS.

She paid more attention to her daughter and DGS than OP/ her son/ DGD.

It got to the point where OP/ her partner got really upset at the differential treatment and cross words were said.

None of this sounds particularly unusual to me- I think it’s common in families. It is highly likely that MIL does have a closer relationship to her DDs family than her DS’s family (we all know how that comes about). It sounds like she needs to work on being a bit less obvious about it when they are all together.

OP also says that MIL has been really supportive of her over the years. That she has a great relationship with her DGD and that DGD loves her

OP also says that her DP has a somewhat different perspective to her and doesn’t think the situation is as bad.

My interpretation.

None of this makes MIL a terrible person- just an ordinary human, but she does need to work on being a bit more sensitive/ aware of some of the dynamics.

it sounds like MIL is especially close to DGS but does also love and make an effort wither her DGD and they have a positive (not harmful ) relationship. .

OP’s posts are suggestive that she feels significant jealousy about MILs relationship with DGS. this is highly likely to be clouding her perspective, as jealousy does do that. This is also evidenced to me in the way that OP implausibly problematises her MIL’s attachment to her DGS implying that it is somehow unhealthy/ creepy and causing issues with her daughter, which sounds v far-fetched to me and not supported by the facts (eg why does DD give her so much access?) OP needs to work on the competitiveness/
comparisons over whose children are favoured the most; and try to just focus on her family and their relationship with MIL and not worry so much about SIL and DGS,

He would definitely deserve partial blame since MIL can’t drive.

I know my own dad wouldn’t stand for it but it did take him years to call out my mother’s favouritism because he hadn’t realised how bad my mother had gotten. My mother immediately shuts down and tears up but she does stop.

Nasty is a very strong word and totally inappropriate to describe MIL.in this situation
MIL can't win whatever she does.
And I would consider myself to have high standards

Sorry, it’s been a busy few days and I haven’t had time to catch up until now. I have clearly split opinion with this one!

I forgot that DH is off on Monday anyway so he will be going over to see MIL, not myself. Which tbh is probably best to give me a bit of time to just cool off. I’m not going to cut contact, I realise that DD loves her and like I said - alone, they have a good relationship.

I have however realised that whether I like it or not, there is favouritism, and I’m sure as everyone grows, it’ll become more apparent how we need to handle it. At the moment, I’m just giving them 1:1 time and avoiding group situations where I get upset as I don’t want massive family fall outs. But this one has hurt me a fair bit, and so I’m taking a little step back from MIL and the amount of effort I pour into her. DH can continue to see her with DD as he pleases.

In terms of the break, we’re just going to enjoy it and not take any notice of them leaving. We are going to focus on DD and just make sure she has the best time. I have said to DH that it’ll be the last trip we do with them though, because it inevitably doesn’t end well.

Thank you for all your input, it was really helpful when my head felt a bit scrambled. At the end of the day I have to remember that she has two parents that adore her, and really that’s all she needs, GPs are just nice bonuses.

There is nothing about winning, it’s keeping to the plans one sat down and made with a group months ago.

Plenty of threads about people pulling out of planned trip and most would consider it rude (barring an emergency) even more so if it has been paid for and not make excuses for them so why does MIL get a pass to behave this way?

Good for you OP that all makes sense.

I hope your DH can make his mother realise how much she has hurt you with this one , and that she will learn to be much more careful and sensitive about making sure she prioritises her DGC more equally.

In terms of the facts, the grandson is a year older than OP's DD so had less need to be picked up and carried about:

'SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later'

You said:

'She paid more attention to her daughter and DGS than OP/ her son/ DGD.'

That is factually correct but not the full picture. She paid NO attention to her grand-daughter other than to rebuff her when she tried to get her grandmother's attention.

MIL's relationship with her DGS may not be creepy, but it is overbearing and she behaves more like a parent than a grandparent to the extent that her own daughter finds it difficult to deal with.

I don't think OP is jealous but I think that she is worried about the impact on her daughter. I think she will stop trying so hard to build the relationship between her DD and her MIL.

I SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later'

ahh I got that wrong.

She paid NO attention to her grand-daughter other than to rebuff her when she tried to get her grandmother's attention.

Im not sure on this one tbh. What is “no attention”? I read this as a turn of phrase rather than a literal descriptor. Did MIL literally not speak her DGD the entire trip? Acknowledge her at all? Other than to rebuff her? Sounds implausible.

MIL's relationship with her DGS may not be creepy, but it is overbearing and she behaves more like a parent than a grandparent to the extent that her own daughter finds it difficult to deal with.

Subjective . This is opinion not fact.

This sounds good OP. I hope you, your DH and your lovely DD have a great time on your trip.

Your DD is very lucky to have you to fight her corner as you know that she deserves better from your MIL than she is getting at the moment. It's a good idea to avoid group situations, particularly as your DD gets older and starts to notice the inequality of treatment.

Do you have daughters or sons?

Why?

Genuinely curious..

I am intrigued to know if you have DILs or SILs?

Decent chance that SIL might have looked forward to the chance to have her DS play just be for SIL family. MIL seems to hijack every situation here

Gosh some posters have managed to make this thread all about them.
Great update OP. Best wishes for next week.

'No attention' means exactly that in the scenarios that OP described. MIL did not interact with, pick up or play with her grand-daughter. All her attention was on her grandson.

It is possible that MIL picked up/carried/played with OP's DD at other times during the trip but OP has not said whether that was the case. However, in my opinion, if MIL had spent time interacting with OPs DD, it is unlikely that OP and her DH would have returned home early.

OP had said that MIL's own daughter finds the situation with her son/MIL's grandson difficult to deal with and feels that her son prefers his grandmother to his mother. In my opinion, MIL is overbearing and undermining her own daughter's parenting.

You can say it's subjective but sometimes these things are blatantly obvious. My FIL has two granddaughters, one is his daughter's child and the other is my child (his sons child) they are literally a week apart in age. Whenever FIL sees my daughter he barely interacts with her and the only (and I mean ONLY) time he does respond to her he will say "well X always gives me a kiss" or "Well X likes playing with dolls not cars" talking about his other granddaughter. It's exhausting and massively unfair.

The subjective thing was in relation to MILs relationship with GS being a threat to his mum, not her favouritism for her DD’s child over her DS’s child. If that makes sense.

I do think it’s often a think that GPs are closer to the grandchildren of their daughters. I think it’s often because they have way more access to them.
There are so many threads on mumsnet where women allow their parents close and keep their in laws at arms length, and the sons don’t bother so much with their parents. This naturally results in lopsided relationships with grandchildren,

The GPs sound utterly pathetic. Invite other family or friends.

Are you always this jealous?

Your MIL is trying to spend time with both DGC!

There's a 3 year age gap between your kids by the time your DD is doing nativity plays your nephew will no longer be doing them!

Its an 'in-laws' one not a 'MIL one'.

Please don’t judge me you don’t know me
I think you’re not understanding what I’m saying .. I’m not saying none of it is rude … I’m saying just know that life is too short for any unrest in a family and IF. you can see your way to calm the waters take the higher ground and not fall out ( difficult I know .. I’m a daughter inlaw also I’ve been through the mill … This is your mother in laws problem and she’s actually hurting herself .. To be honest you’ve been rude to me .. I’m trying to give some advice to help not judge. But that’s up to you … don’t get stressed because that can cause illness too I’ve found … take care .. I hope this all settles for you .. sometimes it’s good to look at things from a different perspective that is all

I am not the OP so no MiL problems and have nothing to settle for me. I lead a remarkably unstressed life but thank you for your (unwarranted) concern. I would say that life is too short to allow the rude behaviour of family members to go unchecked.

most schools only allow two tickets per child due to space. is there any point in them coming as they will miss all the day activities as you are only there a short time. can you get refund on their place. there is no way they double booked.

just don't bother inviting them to things anymore. they need to honour their commitments or pay you the money for not coming