It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

@clickclack8 it isn’t my thread I’m
not going to give my whole life story! I’m just using my own experience as an example why behaviour similar to the OPs MIL can be damaging to a child.

yes but yours wasn’t just a grandparent
it was what sounds like a failing on the part of the adults in your life to build your self esteem

and that needn’t have involved a big drama to protect you from your grandparents

@clickclack8 I never said a big drama was needed. Just that something needs to be said to MIL. If she wants to turn being called out into a big drama then that’s up to her.

Right.
I think realistically almost all GPs have favourites?
Yes they should make an effort to treat all kids the same, but often the preferences do become obvious. I agree there’s no reason it should harm children with loving caregivers.

exactly

it didn’t harm my sister and i in the slightest

it was a source of family amusement!!

which is why there are rules like its rude to sack off an accepted invitation...... if you double book, you go to the invitation you accepted FIRST. If there is something on the horizon that you MUST attend and you get an inviatation, then you say that you acn't commit because X comes up around that time and you are already committed to it. In this case I think it would still be hurtful but not quite as rude.

if you double book, you go to the invitation you accepted FIRST

yes I agree that’s generally a good principle and arguably what MIL should have done really. But she seems to have got it into her head that she could do both- And sometimes that is what people try to do. Other times people end up prioritising the one they think is more important for whatever reason. (Eg nativity beats “meeting Santa”, birthday trumps regular get together etc).
Perhaps MIL was wrong in her choices in this instance, but I’ve just been shocked at the level of vitriol on this thread. It’s hardly an “unforgivable” , “vile” , “abhorrent” offence that justifies calling her a “nasty woman” and cutting contact!

Regardless of grandparent behaviour and whether the parents call it out, I think it’s important for it not to be pointed out to the child. On reflection I think what damaged me most was my ‘D’M constantly telling me how my grandparents didn’t like me, didn’t care about me, didn’t love me and they preferred my cousins. I think she was trying to be supportive ranting and raving about it but I would have been better off in ignorance and it only been talked about if I’d have chosen to bring it up myself with an emphasis on a ‘their loss’ attitude as someone else mentioned earlier.

OP should protect her daughter in both standing up to MIL, distancing if necessary and keeping DD in blissful ignorance.

I agree with this!

Plus the money you have spent on GPs not be at centre Parcs is just a bloody waste!!

bloody hell!

how often were you seeing this grandparent?!

OP's daughter has loving parents but she is still being harmed by her grandmother's clear preference for her cousin. OP's MIL's behaviour on the Paris trip was so extreme when both children were present that OP and her DH left early. Even OP's DH, who pretty much tries to play down the impact of this favouritism on his daughter, was appalled by his mum's behaviour in Paris.

The only way it won't harm OP's daughter is for OP to reduce the opportunities for her daughter to be aware of her grandmother's favouritism for her grandson. This means pulling back and reducing contact.

However, your advice would probably be that a small child just grins and bears it.

OP's daughter has loving parents but she is still being harmed by her grandmother's clear preference for her cousin

no evidence of that whatsoever. OP’s own statement was they have a great relation and Dd loves her grandma.

OP's MIL's behaviour on the Paris trip was so extreme when both children were present that OP and her DH left early
it was the adults who had the jealousy issues. This happens a lot. There’s often competition over who’s kids are most favoured by the GPs,

On the Paris trip, OP's daughter was following her grandmother round and asking for her attention. MIL carried her grandson round the whole time and when OP's daughter asked her to pick her up, she refused. She didn't offer to pick her up or play with her later. She just refused. Do you seriously think that small children have no feelings so cannot feel rejected?

I just think you are making some sweeping assumptions based on some very bare facts that you have only heard from one very partial perspective.
If I am already carrying one of my children and the other asks to be picked up I will also say no, because I only have two arms.

Sorry, I agree with you that dates aren’t released in advance only adding on that it also isn’t hard to guess when the nativity will be.

Definitely agree this isn’t a double-booking and this is MIL being rude. She is missing most of the day that they are there. I wouldn’t be keen to invite her again and enable her behaviour especially since this was planned out as a group and a good amount of money was spent on this.

I wonder what FIL thinks since he is the one that is going to be doing the driving for this. I wonder if he is ok leaving knowing they had planned things with his son, OP, and granddaughter and his wife has decided they have to be at the nativity play.

I wouldn’t be ok with this in his shoes.

given the background, I'd call it unforgivable and rude and a toss up between stupid and nasty.

FIL may well be fully on board, but FILs never get blamed for anything on mumsnet

if you consider that unforgivable I can’t help thinking you must have lived a very sheltered life

If you think that the OP is an unreliable narrator, I don't know why you are even posting on this thread. The OP actually seems quite measured and pragmatic. Many people would have told MIL not to bother coming on the Santa holiday at all.

My point was that MIL did not offer to play with/pick up OP's daughter later when she had finished playing with her grandson. She refused to do it at all. She gave OP's daughter no attention for the whole trip. It was blatant enough for OP's DH to be upset.

If you are carrying one of your children and the other asks to be picked up, do you say no and never pick them up again? Of course not. I'm sure that you give both your children fairly equal attention.

and i can't help thinking that you know nothing about the life I have led.

I don’t think she’s an “unreliable narrator” but there are always different sides/ perspectives to the same story.
Whenever I read mumsnet posts I always separate what are the facts in the OP , from what are interpretations/ impressions/ opinions that the OP is sharing .
One thing that always amazes me is it doesn’t seem that the majority of people do this? Why?
this distinction is important and people do really need to pay attention to it to be able to give balanced advice.
we are all human, and our accounts are always partial and told from our own perspective

Well that’s certainly true!

@Tandora I’m struggling to think of any new information from the MIL’s/DH’s etc perspective that would change my opinion of MIL’s plan to leave the trip. I’m curious, do you have any theories that you think justifies MIL’s behaviour?

I think I already shared a lot on the thread?

This what OP said about the Paris trip:

'She carried DGS everywhere the whole time (even though SIL asked her to let him walk) and when my DD asked to hold her hand/be picked up she would say no, sorry, she was holding DGS. She didn’t play with her or try to interact with her, despite DD’s attempts. We asked if she wanted to come on some rides with us at Disney after she had been on some with DGS and she refused and stayed with SIL.'

'It all came to a head one evening when DD was trying to get her attention and she was ignoring her in favour of DGS - there were crossed words, DH said if it didn’t balance out, then we’d have to pull back when we got home. We got an earlier Eurostar home because we had had enough and it just ended pretty badly.'

This reads as if OP's MIL gave no attention at all to OP's DD during the trip. These sound like facts, rather the OP's interpretation of the facts. How would you separate the facts in OP's account from OP's interpretations/impressions/opinions?

I think that most parents would be upset by OP's MIL's treatment of her DD during this trip. It makes me feel quite sad reading it but you are obviously made of sterner stuff.