It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

[Bounty9]

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

It is a nativity play. Not exactly a massive guess on when it would be and most nurseries and schools try to do it around the same time in December.

You do realise that people do manage to double book themselves all the time right? It doesn’t imply the activities are booked simultaneously. It happens because you commit to one forgetting you have already committed to the other.

@phoenixrosehere I think you’ve misunderstood me. The point I was trying to make is they don’t release the dates for a nativity months in advance. Therefore if the trip
was booked months in advance then MIL can’t have ‘double booked’ as she and many posters are claiming. The nativity date has recently been confirmed and she’s backed out of the main part of the pre-booked trip as a result.

@Tandora Ok, so I assume you’re thinking that MIL agreed to the trip months ago, then recently absent mindedly agreed to attend the nativity not realising when the trip was booked over those dates. I buy that. However, the MIL made a blatant choice to favour the grandsons event. Despite two good arguments not to - that the trip was booked first and that she’s already seen his nativity last year. Still clear favouritism. Still rude. It’s clearly an unfair decision whether you want to call it double booking or not. Especially when you take into account the Paris behaviour.

Be honest - are you the OPs MIL?

😂

she forgot???? How can you forget??? has she got dementia?

Have you never doubled booked yourself? I have and I don’t think I have dementia 😂

actually no never. I have a dreadful memory and know it so I have kept a calendar from my early teens.....about the time that parents stop being responsible for appointments.

this thread has been a real insight into why so many mumsnetters seem to have so much negative drama in their life

I’m with you @godmum56. I honestly can’t remember the last time I double booked something if ever. If someone offers plans I usually say ‘I’m sure that’ll be fine but let me just check my calendar’. I always check before I fully commit.

But even if I was the MIL in this situation and I had ‘double booked’ somehow, I would say ‘so sorry actually it’s the trip with DGD on that date so we can’t come after all, sorry. Definitely next year.’ rather than ‘it’s the trip with DGD but I’ll sack it off’.

@clickclack8 insight into why there are so many CFs because no one ever calls them out on it more like.

I really can’t understand why so many posters are ok with this little girl being treated this way.

Well done you. Many of us aren’t quite so organised with their diaries.

whats your relationship like with your parents?

my grandparents massively favoured my brother

it was like water off a duck’s back! We all found it funny! Why? because my parents limited contact and it became a family joke ie when they were favouring him, my dad would completely play up to it!

the idea of my grandparents favouring cousins having a detrimental and long lasting impact on my self esteem? well as a child this is on your parents for not building your self esteem / limiting contact / making you see how daft they are

@clickclack8 oh so you actually agree! Thank you!

I agree it's far better to confront the situation with mil. When my mil upset me I'd bottle it up which felt much worse. Eventually DH & I called her out on some of her behaviour & everything improved.

Why not ask her if her daughter agrees to her missing the nativity this year given she attended last year & there was a prior arrangement to go away,would she then feel more comfortable about not attending. Tell her your daughter was excited about seeing Santa with her & her daughter is fine with it.Something along those lines is what I would do OP.

i think you’ve rather misunderstood

it did impact your self esteem

i’m saying…. a grandparent favouring cousins has a detrimental and long last impact on your self esteem

really? how often did you see them? and can’t you see that your parents failed you here?!

no need to be big NC drama

just piss taking and very limited contact

i don’t think anything needs to be said

Let he go to the effort

toddler unlikely to notice and if she does “oh granny forgot about nephews nativity…. oopsie! there’s santa!”

and as she grows, it just becomes more of a family in joke. A child with strong supportive parents won’t be permanently scarred by a grandparent they rarely see favouring another!

we’d all bundle in the car post grandparent visit and all turn to my red faced brother and start waxing lyrical about how AMAZING he is!! 😆

@clickclack8 we do agree. That’s what I’m saying. My parents should have said something so now I wouldn’t be in the estranged mess with DGP I’m in now. They will die soon and I have no contact with them, I’ve seen them about 3 times in the past 20 years. And when they die I will regret the situation but I daren’t make contact in case it’s badly received.

But I was a child. Completely innocent. As is OPs DD. It was on DGP to not play favourites and take an interest and DP to say something. So we seem to agree that OP/OPs DH should stand up for their DD as MIL’s behaviour isn’t acceptable.

but i’m saying… no need!

dismiss it for the nonsense behaviour it is.

Go, enjoy the holiday, be dismissive when granny leaves and as DD becomes more aware…. laugh, ridicule, joke about how daft she’s being

why do you actively want a relationship with people like this?

@clickclack8 Oh I see. Well my relationship with DM isn’t the best and she also back handedly damages my self esteem which I’ve only realised recently so maybe that’s why!

I still think OPs MIL should be called out on this though.

your parents should have framed it that it’s their loss

and so 20 years later you still wouldn’t be wanting a relationship with them

so it’s a big back story of the adults in your life letting you down