Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

[MincePieFan88]

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

OP I very much doubt anyone is going to be telling you that you should be doing everything.

This really isn’t the time for him to be training for a marathon especially if he’s complaining of being too tired to do his bit.

Why isn’t he cleaning up after cooking? My ex loved to cook but felt whoever did the cooking the other did the clearing up which I think is wholly unfair - he’d use every utensils and splatter every surface because he knew he wasn’t responsible for cleaning up. I started timing how long he spent cooking vs how long it took me to clean up. There was lots wrong with that relationship but I remember nearer the end when he’d say what he was cooking for dinner I’d say ‘I can’t be bothered to clear up tonight so I’ll sort myself out’.

What kinds of things are you arguing about? You should both be getting the same amount of down time. If he’s spending five hours training plus three hours in the pub, you should also get a minimum of eight hours down time.

Sorry to hear OP, it must be especially confusing considering your DH was so good in the beginning! No advice but want to reassure you that you are not wrong. Giving birth does not make it so that you should be the default for do 100% of everything, particularly during the difficult early days 💐

@BecuaseIWantItThatWay I think I was too complimentary and in love the first few weeks, he now thinks he's the best there is and that's that. Or he's bored of the hard stuff, it's becoming clear this isn't just a hard few weeks

I don't see why you need him or the attraction to him.

Bin his arse and never look back he's a man-child looking to bum a easy ride in life.

Hanger on be gone!

The second thread in five minutes I've read involving a man being an absolute waste of space. I really don't know what to do with the anger it brings up inside me. What do they think women are, second class citizens who just automatically do everything childcare and housework, who they can deign to help if they're feeling generous? I just can't get my head around it and it makes me sad, actually, that they have such a disconnect in their minds around how they (by they I mean men like this - I know some men are fine) treat the women in their life, and the effect it has on them. It's cruel. It's just cruel.

Is he easily influenced? Sounds like his mates or the guys at work have been whispering in his ear, “oh your missus is on maternity leave , doing nothing all day but still expects you to do chores after a hard days work” is he stupid enough to go along with that? If he was good in the beginning was he making them look bad, were their partners giving them grief saying why weren’t they more like your partner? If so he needs to get different friends, if he’s just bored after making an effort for a few weeks you have a different problem.

It sounds like somebody's got to him. He's been talking about what he does with the baby and some bloke (possibly an Andrew Tate wannabe) has told him real men don't do that.

Sadly if he's fallen for it the change is probably permanent.

@Theonlywayisuptoyou @Gymnopedie yes, I pointed out that 2 of the 3 men that have told him that stupid shit are in the process of divorce, their wives are leaving them. The third also has a 3 month old so his wife hasn't had the chance to leave him yet.

He is currently still giving me the silent treatment from asking him to warm up my lunch while I was breastfeeding. My instructions hadn't been clear enough so he's decided that since I think he's shit at everything, he's not doing anything. The atmosphere is killing me.

Go to couple counseling asap.

OP, give him this thread to read! That way he will see in your own words how unhappy he's making you, and also that all of the responses on here support you. He will realise how happy you were with his behaviour when the baby first arrived, and how far down he's slipped. Then have a conversation.

If he doesn't see how wrong he is, then take baby, and go and stay with your parents or a good friend until he realises that he stands to lose you, and his child, if he doesn't sort himself out.

Why is it that men are so easily led by their useless mates??

Keeping my fingers crossed that this is a temporary blip, and not the beginning of the end.

does he not join the dots between his mates actions? I’d think about asking him to leave. The disrespect of just lying in front of you because he cares what his friends think of him but doesn’t give a shit what you think….

He sounds inconsiderate and rather immature. Punishing you for asking him to do stuff, lying to big himself up, working on himself (marathon) when you’ve recently given birth and have a young baby. Plus chaotic perhaps if he’s not even doing a basic tidy up as he goes along in the kitchen.

I take it you’re not in the uk due to the time differences. In the uk I would be tempted to say divorce because he’s a passenger, who would get half your savings, investments, half the house you’re probably paying the lion’s share on etc. Idk how the law works where you are.

He must be very gullible taking advice from the soon to be divorced whose wives have left. I don't see a way back for him though. There isn't a parent who might talk some sense into him is there? I particularly hate men (or indeed women) who make a parade of cooking but can't seem to clean up as they go along. Yes, he plays with the baby but that's the fun part. You'd play more with the baby if you weren't cleaning up the kitchen too. Maternity leave is meant to get you recovered, feeding established and into a routine and hopefully get the baby sleeping through rather than becoming a general house elf. He literally wouldn't warm your lunch while you're feeding the baby?

He is trying to act like an alpha when he's not even a beta. He has a non-challenging not very well paid job and likes to run long distances because he hasn't got the twitch fibres to be a sprinter. I assume that his training does not involve giving up alcohol. Frankly, I do know medical people rushed off their feet working horrendous shifts dealing with death and sickness and they still don't treat their partners like that.

I took only minimal leave with my children. My husband though who did have a demanding job was getting up at night to do the feeds to give me a chance to recover from the Caesarean section so I could go back to work well-rested. I am sorry but your husband sounds a bit of a pig and not very bright.

I suggest you consult a solicitor. Your objective should be to extricate yourself from this marriage at minimum cost. The longer you leave it, the bigger the slice of the pie he'll get. Do you own the house jointly? Could you buy him out? How much child support would you get? You're much more likely to do well in the custody when the baby is small and breastfed. I would just quietly find these things out - don't warn him because you don't want a flurry of helpfulness that just fades away quickly. I do hope you have separate accounts because I wouldn't be bankrolling him for so much as a sandwich. Then I'd proceed with the divorce.

'If you ever, ever threaten to ro nothing again and if you don't actually start doing your share- I'm going to leave you. I'm going to give you fifty fifty custody. And then, you will have do all your share of parenting as well as ALL the housework, cooking and work'.

And mean it.
Anything short of a grovelling apology and him stepping up, follow through.
Fuck dating assholes. Let alone raising children with these dusty assed losers, thinking that's what relationships should look like.

Weaponised incompetence.

Abuse like this often shows up when women have had a baby with these jerks.

Probably some Andrews Tate watching weirdo.

Either way, he has shown now he has contempt for you.

Time to leave.

The threatening behaviour is splitting. He is a jerk to treat you so badly!

Most women experience this… the selfish nature of a man.

save yourself the heartache and get help….. family friend or paid help.

without my family I would have been like you…. Isolated.

ask for help…

If my husband did that one time he would find himself not having a wife.

Being a couple, a family and parents of a young child is a teamwork - not a scene of battle, drama and threads.

Councelling could be a way to go.

Can you take the baby and go and stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks?

I suggest some time apart would do you both good then he can decide if he wants to be a decent husband and continue the marriage or a prick.

See a lawyer about divorcing him. You don't need the extra stress of a newborn and a manbaby, and if he's not going to do his share, he's worse than useless to you.
Entitled, toxic men don't change, except to get even worse. His behaviour is emotionally abusive and will destroy your mental health in time.
You did make a mistake having a child with him, but never mind that. You couldn't know he'd do this.
However, you do know now, so don't make the mistake of staying with him. Anyone here who has dealt with a lazy, selfish, sexist, entitled man can tell you that it doesn't get better.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You are a team, end of. You shouldn't just be grateful for any scraps he throws you. Awful attitude. You are BOTH parents. Basically, when both parents are home both should be contributing to the house and childcare 50/50.

I don't think I would have coped if my partner was going out drinking once a WEEK abd training for a marathon during the baby stage. That's crazy.

I agree with couples counselling.

I am also the main earner with the more difficult job. My partner (also "easier" job that finishes early) has to do more childcare (he does pick ups whilst I work until 7). That's just how it has to be because we are a team. I mention this because you will need to get his attitude sorted before you go back to work or else you will be run ragged--you'll be expected to do everything you were doing on maternity leave PLUS a full time job.

His attitude’s appalling but how much are you both sleeping at the moment? Sleep deprivation can really change a person’s character. At 12 weeks my DD was constantly up. My DH helped with every nappy and feed while he was on parental leave but once he was back at work it was just too much. We were both getting irritable and it didn’t make sense for both of us to be that exhausted so I took over at night. He did lots during the day though (too much really as my DD was a cluster feeding, Velcro baby who barely tolerated her sling).

I also agree with previous posters that now’s not the time to be training for a marathon.

Blimey! As well as a baby to be responsible for you now have the additional aggravation of a sulky, petulant Man-Baby to deal with.

He's playing the "everyone else in my class at school doesn't have to do it!" card and he's heading for a boot up the backside.

If only you could send this giant grizzly toddler back to his Mum......

Councilling can't make a dickhead not a dickhead though. It doesn't stop a mysoginist from being a mysoginist either.

I'd bet his friends said nothing of the sort about not helping. 'Everyone else (or 'other men/women) thinks/does xyz' is standard abuser language. It's gaslighting you into feeling you are unfair to expect him to do his share.

Sorry but, there's no fixing that.