Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

[MincePieFan88]

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

What a bastard!

Imagine if a woman decided to just stop doing everything with a newborn around.

"He sounds like he does more than most men" is SUCH a cop out. Stop accepting the bare minimum just because it's a man!

Probably because they have a partner who treats them as an equal. Not a subordinate with who you can withdraw your “help” the moment something is said you don’t agree with. He wants a certificate because he’s 10% less shit than his shit mates.

time to add him to the list of his twatty mates going through a divorce.

He does sound like that to me. He’s out drinking every week, he’s signed up to a marathon and now he’s refusing to do anything. His life hasn’t changed in comparison to the OP. He sounds exactly like the classic MN lazy dad, validated by his shit mates who are also MN lazy dads. The bar is honestly so low for men it is depressing.

The relevance is that it may already be an issue for him. If his so called friends know about their earnings mismatch he may already have taken stick from them and now they’re ‘emasculating’ him further by taking the mickey out of the fact he helped out so much at home. There’s clearly enough of an issue for him to have changed his behaviour so dramatically, and I think it’s a toxic mix. He’s not ‘putting up and shutting up’, he’s refusing to help out with his own child. He also clearly isn’t bright enough to realise that if he pushes this far enough to cause the breakdown of the relationship, he’ll have to shoulder 50% of the responsibility alone and without the considerable resources OP provides.

How embarrassing for him that he wants a SAH-wifey, but he's not able to secure a job that pays SAH-wifey money, so he needs you to be the breadwinner too 🙄

The hypocrisy here is outrageous. He wants a 1950s home, with a 1950s wife and mother, but he earns HALF the wage of his wife and he's home by 4pm every day, so not exactly worn out from work 🤷‍♀️

He believes that you should be 100% responsible and competent and his input should be below minimum and he grumbles about that.

Jesus Christ, this is so depressing that men of fatherhood age still act like this.

Suggest couples counselling as a priority. Can anyone care for Your baby for an hour whilst you do it? Can you ask your Mum or a good friend or sibling? Some offer online sessions or home visits to make the logistics easier?

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/professional-body/BACP?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD6u42SjLklxBw9_h96lhj2PRx6G8&gclid=Cj0KCQiAi_G5BhDXARIsAN5SX7pNr0xKl6d3fxIk4Ce08zGmo5WjPOtSZdXZldGcTBhxRReL00Nik3saAgGIEALw_wcB

The implication, though, is that he'd have a valid point if the earnings were the other way round. He wouldn't so it's best not put out there.

Many women on low wages are made more vulnerable to twats like this by that sort of narrative.

@NamelessNancy the relevance of her being main earner is a) their household income will be massively impacted if she falls to bits (like they won't be able to pay the mortgage impacted) and b) if she wants to tell him to bugger off, she can.

How is that not relevant?

Amazing how some women are prepared to facilitate it too. I’m gobsmacked at the number of posters who think that maternity leave is the same as SAHM. It’s not. And OP’s income is relevant here because her ML is fully funded.

A bloke being an arse to his high earner wife doesn't mean it's OK for a high earning bloke to be an arse to his low earning or not earning at all wife.

Being an arse is wrong.

Hth.

Are you bottle feeding or breastfeeding, op? If the former, I'd be calling his bluff and suggesting shared leave so he gets a taste of what it's like to be a full time parent to a baby. I know it's likely not what you want, and you don't have to go through with it. But it might shock him into realising he doesn't actually do very much. Essentially, the novelty has worn off for him now he understands that raising a child is exactly that and he has years of this ahead. It's easy to play the great dad act when you're basking in the glory of a newborn, not so easy to sustain that beyond the newborn age.

On the assumption that you love him, value what he brings to your relationship, have something worth fighting for, I won't say LTB. Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he could genuinely be struggling to adapt to the reaponsibilities of fatherhood, and that you are both likely suffering from a smidge of sleep deprivation (used by many countries as a form of torture!) I would suggest a proper conversation with him to calmly explain how you feel and give him the chance to open up about how he may be feeling. Communication between couples often goes out the window with a small baby that demands so much of you. You need to find a new balance now that it's no longer just the two of you. Do you have anyone who can look after the baby for a couple of hours while you both perhaps have a meal and a talk?

What a fucking cunt your DH is. Make a stand now, or this is your life ever more. And yes, consider consulting a solicitor. And maybe leave and stay with your parents if you can.

Absolutely it gives her options which she would not otherwise have. That is a huge positive for the OP. My point is that her earnings should not factor into his decision making re being a decent partner and parent.

Don’t agree. OP is the major earner here and has fully funded her own maternity leave. She’s not dependent on him financially and provides him with a lifestyle he wouldn’t be able to afford on his own salary. And he’s still behaving like a twat. How is that not relevant ?

Well I’d he telling him if he wants to do nothing then he can carry on and bugger off and be on his own because you’re not going to wipe his ass for him, you’ve already got one child and you don’t need another. He’s neither use nor ornament now is he? He’s just adding to the mess and making the atmosphere tense which the baby will feed from.

Because if he was a millionaire and she was earning nothing it wouldn't change the fact that he should step up and pull his weight! Absolutely good that the OP is not made further vulnerable by being financially dependent upon him though.

Women in the UK experience domestic violence for the first time while pregnant or with a new baby.

My DH has always been a team player with regards to our children and always did/does his fair share. Unfortunately though, from what I’ve seen amongst friends, wider family, reading on here, etc, he’s in the minority of men in this regard. Too many men leave it all or the majority of childcare and the running of the household to their partner and these women unfortunately, put up and shut up in order to keep the peace - don’t become one of these women.

It does sound like friends have been winding him up, maybe coupled with the fact you’re the higher earner, etc, he’s feeling he needs to be more of a ‘man’ like his friends. Totally wrong of course. I think a firm chat is needed and you should outline how you see your future (separated from him) if he continues with this carry on.

Yep. But he’s clearly demonstrating that he’d like a stay at home wife. Unfortunately OP is the main breadwinner so he can’t have that, and their present lifestyle. And instead of facilitating the establishment of routines and breastfeeding patterns and helping smooth the way for her return to work, he’s taking full advantage of the fact that she’s at home and giving a very clear indication of what his expectations will be when she does go back to work. That’s taking being an arse to new levels. It’s also not very bright.

I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye again if it were me. Game over.

If he isn’t willing to contribute/help and you’re the main bread winner I’d tell him that he may as well pack his bags and leave then. He can join his divorced loser friends in the pub… if he has enough money after CMS and rent/costs of living alone. He needs a wake up call.

@Rosscameasdoody I am a "stay at home wife" (parent) and would not accept that treatment. It does not equal skivvy.

The fact that this guy was out drinking from week TWO suggests to me he was never as all-in as OP believed he was at the start. My DH would not have wanted to be away from his kids that early unless he had to.