Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

[MincePieFan88]

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

I came here to also suggest yo take yourself and baby off to your parents or a friend for a few days , telling him he needs to get a grip or he stands to lose you.
All this "If I'm so shit, you do it" attitude really needs to stop right now. He's grooming you to accept that he's too lazy to do regular house work and childcare.

@MincePieFan88 "He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son"

I'd be responding being a deadbeat dad and partner is really nothing to be proud of... It's not your child (OP), both of you are parents and you both have to equally contribute to looking after your baby and around the house. You really value his contributions and sharing the changes that come with being parents. And that's how a partnership should be. It's setting strong examples for your son on how to be an equal partner in a relationship and doing things with the baby will build a great bond between them. Why would a father not want that?

"If you're so shit at everything, that must be really embarrassing for you. You better man up quickly and learn to be a good husband and dad, before you find yourself being a single loser forever."

Sorry you’re experiencing this OP - you’re definitely not being unreasonable and this is the last thing you need whilst looking after your first still very small baby.

Agree with PP who have said that change in

partner may be due to sleep deprivation / being back at work etc. What’s not acceptable is immature attitude to conflict resolution and behaving like you should be grateful he does anything at all. Also agree that you should getting some downtime however that may look. If baby can take a bottle - have an afternoon/ evening with friends away - he’ll realise how how it is to do everything around the house without support then.

I have a 5 month old DC and whilst there have been far more little arguments with my DH than before I gave birth - we try to get to the bottom of why we’re upset and give each other grace - we’re both tired, we’re both doing this for the first time etc. Some days I take on the majority of the workload around the house, other days he does and some days the house is a shit tip and we just get a takeaway. You have to be able to work as a team and communicate. I’d sit him down and explain how you’re feeling and that what he is contributing right now is no more than any normal good Dad does and if he doesn’t realise that he didn’t really know what he was getting himself in for when he agreed to become a parent. Also the lying is quite a red flag and agree most women in your position would not be thrilled with the marathon training which can mean a few runs in a week and then a 2 hour run at the weekend after which no doubt he’s knackered so he should realise you’ve been very lenient to date and should be the one feeling grateful not the the other way around ! If he doesn’t change his attitude around this now I’d be really worried about the future.

You are both over tired.
Talk to a professional.

In the mean time, you can really only influence how you feel and what you do. You can't change how he feels.

Start afresh each day. Remain polite, respectful and communicative. Do what you need to do, happily, and ask your husband for assistance in advance, with respect and only once. Don't remind him but do say thank you.

Try going out together with the baby one evening a week and one day on the weekend. Book baby into swimming lessons with husband; make it his thing and you only go along sometimes to smile at them.
Practice how you can all do interesting things at times.

Now that the baby is not a newborn it is hardly ever reasonable for both parents to be up, awake at night at the same time. The feeder should be able to also change a nappy. If you are the main feeder then you need to catch up on sleep through out each day.

Try having the cook always washing up as well.
If your husband is not doing the things that you can't manage - like shopping, routine cleaning, laundry or mowing lawns, hire someone to help with set tasks.

Ask husband to pay 50/50.

He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2.

He fucking what now?

Dear me, what a twat. We have a young baby and my DH is hugely supportive, as our lots of our friends with their own young families.

Next time he says that, tell him he’d be more use paying child support and has he checked how m much it is lately, because it’s a lot and you don’t want to be carrying a dead weight.

Or make sure there’s enough formula/expressed milk in the house and walk out and leave him with the baby one Saturday. Turn your phone off.

God he’s being so goady, sorry OP. Imagine giving your partner the silent treatment cause she asked you to warm up her lunch as she was rather preoccupied. Why does he need crystal clear instructions to warm up something, and why be so pathetic to have a strop about a minor thing!!! It’s the mother of your child, who needs to eat well to breastfeed your precious baby!! You should be a team. My DH would have done that as a given, no need to even ask, the way it should be.

Someone’s been in his ear, and he sounds that immature that he’s following their lead. His friends sound great catches, not, no wonder their wives have ditched them. He should WANT to help out, it’s his baby too. This behaviour would give me the total ick.

Imagine how he’d cope if u divorced him, you get paid twice as much, you’d be ok, but he’d struggle without you, oh, and yes, when it was his turn to have the child he would be the main care giver in this time!! A lot for him to consider if he carries on being a prick

Well i’d be telling him you might stop doing anything for the baby too and watch him tell you the baby is all your responsibility. It’s a joke. He is the father, he wanted a baby, it’s his responsibility to care for the child. He’s got tired of it by week 12, that doesn’t bode well. Bet he’s got a load of male colleagues telling him he’s doing too much, certainly sounds that way. Well at least you have the means to walk away if you need to.

My heart is breaking for you. I hope I can help a bit. Having a baby is super hard and maybe first few weeks were honeymoon period and now it’s gotten to him. No excusing his behaviour but it sounds a bit like what happened with my DP the first time around. He felt like I was constantly nagging and criticising so he increasingly tried to avoid me / give me silent treatment. This infuriated me as I saw him as lazy not doing his share etc (my DP was still here doing stuff, he wasn’t training for a marathon or going on many nights out!). We had couples counselling which helped him to vocalise that the way I communicated made him feel inadequate/criticised and he took on board how much of lion share I was doing and to be more supportive. It really helped us. Honestly there were a lot of nasty arguments first time and threatening to leave. And here we are 2.5 years later and we’ve got a toddler and a new 3 month old and my DP has stepped up much more this time around, I’ve not nagged:criticised (accepted that if he does something it won’t be how I’ll do it, don’t moan). We’ve also paid for a lot more help, if you can afford I’d highly recommend. We’ve got a cleaner x 6 days a week.

Tell him to pack up and leave because you do not want to be married to a misogynistic sexist pig of a man.

I agree with @Lotsofsnacks He’s been influenced by someone else, presumably these friends he drinks with. He’s clearly easily led too. He needs a reality check. You really can’t be spending time and energy managing his ego with a small baby to look after.

Who did the house work when you both worked full time?

You need to sit down together and share the jobs. Be clear with this is unacceptable and if he isn't willing to pull his weight graciously he needs to leave. What Is he planning that you will do everything when you return to work?

Assuming he was ok before and this is a recent change it needs nipping in the bud. Be clear it's non negotiable. And if he doesn't want to step up and be part of the family he should go.

This ☝️

It would be interesting to know if these other dads that do fuck all actually have a relationship with their child - what about as that child grows up and becomes an adult? What’s that relationship like then?

Dh have done more, but he is short at housework anyway, didn’t really cook. Everything was a slow burn. He did even run marathons when they were very young. However now he takes kids to CAMHS appts, stays at home when they cannot attend school, cooks pizza. He is a fairly lazy sod generally, I knew this about him. But he has a great relationship with dc because they see him doing this stuff now.

To me that seems like he's doing quite a bit. Not nice to threaten you though. My dh is military so he did nothing though.

Remind him that other women may put up with shit husbands but you do not, and tell him financially you can survive alone so unless he is helpful at home you’ll have no use for him and he can leave when he likes.

stand up for yourself OP- remind the hero who YOU are.

I think it definitely sounds like people have got to him. It’s really quite insane how some are so keen to maintain the old sexist gender roles, and attempt to do so by convincing new dads that they are oh so hard done by. The fake pity the men get is particularly irksome, as is the over the top praise when they do the slightest thing for the baby. I think it’s because these good dads are often seen as a threat to the “balance” (which is anything but) of other relationships. The good dad shows these men up as the useless deadbeats they are.

Unfortunately it wasn’t just looking around at other dads that made my husband go through a phase of this when he was particularly sleep deprived, it was also his mother, and I suspect other women in his family, too. They are lovely women but they have existed their whole lives in a very gendered environment and it shows.

Thankfully him wanting a fucking parade every time he did a night was short lived, because I found it so unattractive and offputting I definitely would have divorced him had it continued. In our case it was just sleep and the lack of it making him think the grass was greener, plus the relationships he was modelled as a child influencing him (how our parents were can really come back to haunt us when we have kids), and he is a committed and equal parent.

Im sure you didn't mean anything by it but I'm not sure the relative salaries are relevant. You could be on statutory mat pay from a low earning job or even no pay and should still expect a decent partner to pull his weight.

He threatens to do less, then Threaten to leave. And see a solicitor to get your affairs in order. What a lazy twat he is

It does sound like he's trying to put you in your place. Possibly he already felt insecure at earning less than you and now he's allowed idiot friends to convince him that you should be doing everything at home because he's working and you're on maternity leave. Whatever is going on, he's being awful.

Do you have somewhere to go for a few days?

If so, go.

Take none of his crap and go.

Leave now. Don't make any efforts yourself to arrange contact and he won't be bothered. You and your lovely baby will be better off without him.

Hi op sorry to hear this - could you afford a live in au pair and get rid of him. Go to familiy for a break if you can, have some coupes counselling if you feel he has many other redeeming qualities that make him “worth it” 🌺