Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

[MincePieFan88]

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

Gosh. You sound like two totally exhausted parents struggling with a very young baby. Maybe he feels like you’re getting at him a bit and nothing he is doing is good enough?

It seems you’ve both got resentful without actually communicating with each other.

And you should be grateful for what he does just as he should be grateful for what you do.

Regroup with him, have a proper chat. It seems like you work as a good team when things are going well. This stressful period isn’t uncommon, don’t lose your relationship in the process.

A lot of posters will go in on your other half but it’s important that his POV is considered too so please remember that all the advice and judgment is very one sided after anonymous people hearing only one side of things.

Good luck.

Has he always shown such spiteful immaturity? Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive. Does he lack critical thinking skills to realise that comparing himself to deadbeat dads who do nothing shows very little? Why are his standards for his parenting so pathetically low? Making threats in response to your reasonable requests is bang out of order. The weaponised incompetence is pathetic too.

If this is a pattern of behaviour I think you need to seriously consider leaving this relationship as he will just get worse and no one wants a manchild. Even if this behaviour is new I think you need a no nonsense approach to dealing with it. Choose a quiet time when baby is asleep and make it unequivocally clear how his behaviour is unacceptable, the impact this is having on you and what needs to happen moving forwards e.g no more threats, he needs to parent his child 50:50 and likewise equally contribute to household chores/cooking. You sound brilliant OP, stay strong and do not accept less here. Don’t doubt yourself. Consider your options, always. He is complacent and needs to know you are absolutely prepared to walk away if he doesn’t get a grip and start behaving like a decent human being.

Good God. Imagine one man saying that to another man about his wife. Jesus.

Babies are hard work. It's not hard work for a week or two and suddenly it all becomes wonderful. Doing things to help you, is in turn helping his child too. Throwing a tantrum because life is not how he envisaged, is stupid. He's a grown adult, what did he think having a new baby would be like?! Or did he think you'd be doing everything because 'you're on maternity leave'? Some days I didn't know if I was on my ass or elbows, whilst looking after my son, and my husband was at work. Life pre-baby has gone. His life is now going to be different. He needs to understand that. If couples counselling helps, then go for it. Either way he needs to step up and be a good partner and Dad, as he did in the early days.

Hopefully the threat might be enough to put his gas at a peep.

Only problem is that she would have to follow through if he called her bluff.

I think he does do the tea?

It’s very convenient when someone’s moral high ground enables them to avoid doing what they don’t want to do. But he does sound like he does more than most men and you are on mat leave.

Your subsequent posts do make him sound like a dick, but I can’t help wondering whether the mutual stress and exhaustion is causing you both to be tetchy and mean to each other rather than this being the classic MN lazy dad you doesn’t want his life to change.

He has an easy office job and is home by 4pm every day. How is changing a nappy during the night impacting his ability to work safely? He doesn't work for emergency services where lives are at risk. Maybe he'll send a dangerous email if he's too tired.

He goes out at least once a week and is training for a marathon. OP earns twice as much as he does and is on full pay during her maternity leave so he can't even use the excuse of being the breadwinner. He is listening to his dickhead mates and suddenly thinking that he is doing too much to help the OP and she should be more grateful.

@LeonoraCazalet @Anotherworrier so she should be grateful that he communicates clearly that he won't even warm up her lunch while she breastfeeds his child? why is your bar SO low?

This man was interested in parenting when he felt like it made him a bit of a hero. Now he realises it's hard work and is supposed to be its own reward he doesn't give a shit. If OP won't tell him he's the very very best at it he'll do nothing and let his child suffer. Why are you defending him?

Absolutely. DH seems angry and resentful of you and is acting out. Doesn’t mean the relationship can’t be saved if you’re both open about what is going on but you can’t leave it like this.

Be honest, are you overly critical?

What's op doing then all day? Many mothers with more than one child manage.

This is not what maternity leave is for. She’s not there to be his skivvy, she’s caring for a newborn, establishing routines, breastfeeding patterns etc., and preparing the groundwork for a return to work. She’s earning more than him and providing a lifestyle he couldn’t maintain if they split, and l think this is an issue for him. He’s clearly been getting a ribbing at work about being ‘under the thumb’ and has stepped back from helping out as a result. So he’s putting his workmates opinions before his wife and baby. Not sure there’s a way back once you see it for what it is.

Ah, the male apologists arrive. Of course.

@MyKidsAreTooNoisy

OP says Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

How is that not classic shit?

Looking after one baby between two adults one of whom is home at 4pm should not be this difficult.

One of my friends in your situation pointed out to her dh that if he didn't pull his weight she'd leave him. Because that would at least mean she'd get every other weekend off. She meant it too, but thankfully he realised this and stopped being such a twat.

Honestly I couldn't stay with someone who showed so little love and respect to me and their child. And I don't throw LTB around this forum like sweets either...

@Comedycook speak for yourself and your own bloody baby but even if it's not difficult it should not all be down to OP.

I wouldn’t jump to divorcing him yet. Honestly, some people say this as an automatic response. You need to sit down, communicate and listen to each other. I bet his workmates have been sniping in his ears.

Refusing to heat up her lunch in the microwave while she breastfeeds the baby is perfectly fine is it? Threatening to do absolutely nothing to help with the baby is also absolutely fine? Why does she need to thank her husband for what he does? It's his baby too. Should he be thanking the OP?

Your views would be outdated in the 1950s.

Wise advice. 👍

Everything should be split evenly when you are both home. My husband and I have two kids. He makes double my salary but he has to do the school run and pick ups etc because I'm a teacher and he works from home. He also makes the dinner (& unloads the dishwasher, breakfast dishes etc) because he's working from home & has more time. When my two were babies we took it in turns to get up. When they got a bit older we both had a sleep in day at the weekend. It has to be equal because your child is equally your responsibility. We both have the same down time. If I go out one weekend with friends then he's perfectly entitled to go out with his (but we never take the piss and neither of us went out or did hobbies during those first six months). In my circle of friends and family, partners do their fair share. Though I should say my mum thinks my husband and BIL's are wonderful because they cook dinner and know how to use a washing machine.

I'd be asking him to leave for a few days so you can both have space.
Tell him you can manage without him. You're being treated like a single parent so you might as be one. At least you'd get some down time when he has the baby for his visits.
He's not bringing anything to the table other than disrespect OP.

Oh do fuck off the 7% who clicked YWBU...🙄

He listens to a couple of bitter rejects who weren't up to scratch and prioritise themselves over their partner or family. So many men these days aren't up to the job and it's always women who have to take up the slack.
Then they wonder why their wives no longer want to sleep with them.
It's pathetic.

These are the sort of arseholes who when they are divorced get their mothers to look after the baby while they go to the gym/bike riding/play on their decks...

And before anyone starts I know NAMALT I'm married to one of the excellent fathers and husbands in the world, and I brought up two fantastic fathers and partners. Doubtless they have their faults but they manage not to be useless cunts to their DC and their DW. It's not a lot to ask is it?

I'd have to assume that the posters on here defending his shitness either are men or women with a very low bar of what is expected from a partner.

YADNBU OP.

I could have written this myself...... although mine started during pregnancy when he had a tantrum about going to an NCT class one evening. I stupidly continued the relationship for a few more years.
Luckily he did something monumentally stupid just before DD was 5 which gave me the strength to leave the relationship.
During the last few years he'd regularly tell me I wouldn't be able to cope by myself, guess what..... 3 years on im doing great and I'm even in the early stages of a new relationship who I think may be Mr Right!

This, sorry but his behaviour isn't acceptable