Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

[MincePieFan88]

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

A married, male ER doctor who also had a baby the same age as mine once advised me to look after myself and sleep and take it in turns with my husband because babies aren’t a sprint they’re a marathon. Ironic that instead of helping you, you’re husband is actually training for a marathon - how self indulgent and impractical. At the moment your self care should be realistic exercise goals that are time efficient and ensuring you both have sleep, healthy food, free time equally & the basics covered.

Your job is 24 hours 7 days a week and it’s also physically and emotionally exhausting so you need support and help. This is also a very hard part and intense because you’re also going through a huge change and adjusting and learning a lot as you go. Don’t underestimate how hard it is.

When your partner goes to work he gets to go to the toilet uninterrupted, have a coffee break, talk with other adults etc and it is not the same.

You should tell him comparison is the thief of joy. He was obviously happy to help until he compared notes, and what's now happened is he feels like a beta male because not only does he help you more, but he earns far less than you. I think that's what this is really about. And if he's too childish to admit it, you need to move on as it really won't improve.

Why on earth are you blaming yourself OP? Too complimentary and in love? - Have you heard yourself?

He's a prick. Get rid.

This is the problem that women face! I imagine your DH is hearing similar from his friends too. The bar for men is so low when it comes to babies and children that they can easily be convinced that the baby is somehow all the woman's responsibility and anything that the man does is fantastic and should be greatly appreciated. It's insidious and breeds resentment. He begins to feel that he's hard done by and that he can withdraw his 'help' on a whim if you start being too demanding or not appreciative enough of what little he is actually doing. It's an easy trap to fall into when you're still in the early stages of having a baby and in shock about how your life has changed and the new demands placed on you.

I think you need to have a discussion with him about this and how he is a father and has responsibilities that he can't just threaten to drop when it suits him. If he seems incapable of understanding this then it really is time to LTB. These attitudes tend to get entrenched and you will be left holding the baby whilst he feels he can live his life pretty much unencumbered.

How much do you earn when you go back? I ask because I left when my DD was a few months old, I got a live in nanny and went back to work.

Life then became easier and peaceful

Sounds like he’s a piss taker and, given you hardly need his financial support, perhaps you’d be better off without him. As for you being blown away by his initial contribution, many fathers wouldn’t dream of going down the pub for several hours once a week when their baby is a matter of weeks old. I reckon you were a bit too easily impressed and perhaps he took that as a green light to decrease his effort.

I'm going against the grain. Have you only 1 child? Your currently on maternity leave and hes working. Surely you would do the bulk of the work during he day. Tidying up and doing tea. Inregards to night feeds you should be doing them as you can sleep during the day he cant. My dh used to do the late feed before bed so I could get to bed earlier to do the night fed in the middle of the night. He should be helping but doing bits so it's not impacting his ability to work safely.

I couldn’t love someone who did this.

shows a really deep seated dislike of women, a fundamental view that they are here to serve the domestic and he might ‘help’. The saying he won’t do anything threat is so childish I don’t know if I could ever unhear it.

so sorry.

He gets in at 4pm! He can do the bloody tea too.

I had times like this with my DH too. It is amazing how many of his friends and family members were so keen to have him put me down and make me suffer when I was vulnerable with a newborn BF'd baby.

It felt like they were lining up to put the boot in. I think motherhood brings out a particularly virulent and aggressive form of misogyny that really takes your breath away.

If he is not going to be a team player, what does he think is in this relationship for you?

Just to get a clear understanding, what household tasks are you doing? Or what is it you think he should be doing more of? If he's working full time, cooking and doing things for the baby, what else do you need him to do? That's not meant in a judgey way, I just don't think I've seen you mention it.

Is it not a case that he did the lions share when your baby was a newborn as you were incapacitated and figuring things out, and it's now equaling out as you're establishing routines etc?

@Lavenderfarmcottage

Your job is 24 hours 7 days a week and it’s also physically and emotionally exhausting so you need support and help

While I completely agree that this guy is a pisstaker (see my above comment), your comment isn’t necesssirly true. Entirely depends on the baby. Some are exhausting 24 hour job with constant waking, crying and soothing even at that age. Others aren’t at all, and sleep peacefully/independently most of the day and night. Huge variation.

Time for you to start threatening to leave him unless he changes, and mean it. This is unacceptable behaviour.

Do what you need to do, happily, and ask your husband for assistance in advance, with respect and only once. Don't remind him but do say thank you.

And treat yourself to some nice new makeup so you can write 'Doormat' prettily on your forehead each morning.

He can get respect when he earns it - by realising that he should be parenting, not assisting, and should learn what needs doing without having to be asked every time.

He’s a selfish twat training for a marathon while having a tiny baby. You & the baby should be his priority at the moment.

His attitude is awful. Just because some men are even worse does not mean he is a hero for the help he gives at home. My husband cooked meals & helped with our baby 30 years ago and we both felt that was fair. You’re supposed to be a team which your husband seems to have forgotten

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

You know even if that wasn't true you shouldn't be doing everything. No need to throw us low-income/ SAHMs under the bus. We don't deserve the misogynists either.

What a selfish, childish twat!

If it was me & things didn't improve, I'd probably struggle through to a place where I felt strong enough to deal with the consequences & then ditch him!

This is the plan - this is him making it so unpleasant when you ask him to do anything, that you stop asking.

Sorry OP, it doesn't look good.

Some men really do do absolutely nothing which can make those who do a basic amount feel they’re getting a raw deal. We have friends who were beyond useless and once (only once) my DH compared himself to them. I hit the roof and (in my sleep deprived state) told him would it be okay to break someone’s arm because Dave murdered someone last week?!… not my finest hour but the point was made. We had rows in that adjustment period of the first year but never ever did he threatened to kick me out or leave me. I think that’s a massive red flag. Leave him.

I think all these PPs saying to divorce him are mad. Yes it’s unacceptable and YANBU but it’s early days and you say this is a recent change. Do you really want to set yourself up for a lifetime of 50/50 custody, sharing Christmas etc. I would speak to him honestly about how you feel, at a time when you are both calm. Think about what it is you’re asking from him and how you can explain how it’s making you feel without it turning into an argument. Think about what your boundaries are I.E were you fine with the drinking before but it’s him lying about it / not helping that’s not causing the issue. Consider counselling if talking by yourselves doesn’t work. But I really wouldn’t rush to contact a solicitor.

What on earth makes you think that he'll want to look after his child 3.5 days per week when he won't even put something in the microwave for 90 seconds?

Just wanted to send huge hugs OP. I had similar with my DH and couldn't cope with the atmosphere, so did pretty much everything. You need couples counselling now. Go see your GP today and if you can, talk to friends/family. You need and deserve support x

@PrimalOwl10 what about her ability to care for her child safely? That's just a given isn't it. But more potential for danger there than most people's jobs. I despair of this bullshit.

I agree - discussing split if the workload is one thing. Saying “I won’t do anything then”. I wouldn’t even call it childish as most children I know wouldn’t say that.

He sounds perfectly fine to me what he is doing. I would probably react the same way as he does if I had someone commenting on what I did. I think you are overthinking this and it is coming from a place of being at home with a baby. How do you think our mothers and grandmothers coped with larger families? Sit back, enjoy the baby, enjoy being at home, and thank your husband for what he does but don't do more than you have to. Earning more is not an entitlement over your spouse. Do what you need to to get by whilst baby is small and enjoy those days. They go too quickly.