Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

[MincePieFan88]

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

He has a new baby and a wife that cares for the baby and pays the bills, he goes out drinking weekly and is marathon training. If he is feeling unappreciated on top of all this then he is too incredibly stupid to tie his shoes.

This is crazy.
If he fucks off, at least the OP wouldn't have the burden of him.
What does he actually do to make your life (and the one of his kid) better?

Tell him he’s not ‘helping’, these are his responsibilities as a husband and father. He isn’t doing you some kind of favour. If he still doesn’t step up then I would resort to things like not washing his clothes/not making his dinner/not tidying away his things/don’t make any appointments for him eg dentist.

Basically, anything at all that you’ve been doing for him should stop RIGHT NOW. Just sort out yourself and the baby. If you’ve got a personal account and you pay for things like Netflix/Disney plus then log him out and watch it when he’s out or, if he’s in, watch it on your phone with headphones.

Make life as uncomfortable as possible for him until he gets the message that you’re a team and he needs to step up.

It's the first 12 weeks. It's a massive life changing experience and without sleep and learning how to take care of a tiny human, perspectives on both sides become a bit skewed. As a man, even though I did everything I possibly could it will never be 50% because I didn't carry of give birth and have to go through then feeling of running 5 marathons and the emotional, hormonal and mental stain that came with it for weeks after. However, it's unfair to say that i didn't feel some of the above because I was right there, 24/7 - it was just a different but still valid experience.

And during those early days, both of us running on no sleep, the 'you don't do anything' was repeatedly thrown In my face. I knew (or believed) that I was pulling my weight and would keep reminding myself it was just the stress of the situation. There were times when I too got frustrated and would snap back or sulk. Dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. I felt so lonely, especially as I didn't have anyone to relate to as no other dad I knew did as much. They couldn't comprehend my situation. It's how I ended up on Mumsnet. Our baby's first word was dada (obviously as it's easier) and yet she calls me 'momma' 😂

Who does more or less is subjective, and those first few months, it's hard to see anything straight. Whoever had the baby would end up with a bit of tunnel vision.

I always wished there was a camera crew following us for that first 3 months because both of us would have realised how skewed our perspectives were and how we supported each other to get through it.

It was later when she came back from a girls weekend and sharing baby war stories that she realised how radically different her experience was vs her friends. Their partners are certainly not useless but the penny dropped that I had really tried my hardest.

The trouble is that most men don't really want babies. Most of them just go along with it because it's the done thing and they'll look like monsters if they say no. The ones who do actually proclaim their desire for kids have mostly failed to grasp the reality. Namely that they are no longer the centre of attention (which most men expect to be) and worse still, they can't enjoy a quasi singleton lifestyle any more. Men will never want babies as much, or in the same way, as women do.

You would be amazed at the number of men who seem keen on having a family but tire easily of it once the novelty has worn off- many simply see it as'womans work' with them on back up for fun day trips etc and they don't expect their lives to change one bit - I appreciate there are some men not like this at all but sadly I think they are in the minority . The big difference is some women say 'sod this' and split up along the line whereas others put up with it for years and years - and some women it seems genuinely don't give a shit being essentially a single parent if it means they get regular money in , holidays and a decent home- I'm now 62 and can count on one hand the number of blokes I know who have been both an involved parent and a true partner when it comes to domestic stuff - not just the bits they enjoy

@Daddydog I'm not going to accept his shitty "best" just because other men do nothing. Yes, many mums at my mum coffee group moan about their horrible husbands. I know some of those husbands and at least they have the decency to publicly admit how shit they are and how much their wives do.

I cannot put it into words how horrible it feels when your husband threatens to do nothing anymore. It's like he has decided that he has the option to walk away. Like he is doing me a favour. It belittles me and makes me feel trapped.

Plenty of women threaten to do nothing anymore and get celebrated for it.

You both need to sit down when you are calm and talk it through.

Yeah, those women have been doing everything and are at the end of their tether. Not one single one of them is out drinking every week with childcare on tap 24/7 and also Training. For. A. Marathon.

id love to see an actually reasonable gender swap example here one day instead of all these utter bullshit comparisons of apples and brutalist period apartment buildings.

@LakeUtah women threaten to do nothing in the context of them doing everything and use it as a means to get their partners to do something. This is a very different context. It's the total opposite. This is a man throwing me crumbs of "help" and threatening to do nothing as a means to scare me from asking too much from him. Because he's a man and other men do fuck all apparently.

Having done 90% of everything in the family, relationship, and household for 90% of the time, while watching the man maintain a social life, complete with an entire weekend day away every week to participate in his sport.

OP's husband has scraped through the first three months and is now living not just as though there is no baby to be responsible for but even as though he is a single man.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate the support. I don't know what i would do without this forum.

I went away, gathered my thoughts, wrote things down so I don't get emotional and lose my thoughts, and then had a BIG, FIRM, unemotional chat. I didn't let it descend into accusations and insults. Kept it factual. He seems to get it. He was apologetic and kind enough. We'll see whether he steps up.

I won't let things slide anymore either. I have been letting him do less and less in the hopes that maybe he needs a refresh, a break or whatever but now I'm in the throws of PND. Why didn't I wonder when I get a break??? Why didn't he wonder that??

I'm going to step away from the thread as I need a clean slate. We've had the chat, the apologies, and need to move on for my own sanity. I don't want to sit into these feelings too much as it's damaging my mental health.

@MincePieFan88 You're a better woman than I was and am. Don't forget that to be the best mum you can be, you really do need to look after yourself.

Be proud of your talk with him and of yourself. I really hope things start looking up for you soon.

Wither he is working or not he should be doing 50/50 in my opinion. He will need to when you go back to work and looking after a baby IS full time. Since he has already started doing less it will probably continue or get worse. If he’s going to threaten to do nothing, me personally would already have his bag packed n told him to fuck off

Plenty of women threaten to do nothing anymore and get celebrated for it.

Threaten to do nothing for their grown, adult, lazy husbands. Not their tiny new babies and post-partum wives.

Well done OP, it sounds like you addressed things in a very clear manner and firm boundaries are now in place - he knows what the expectations are. Don’t accept less (I don’t think you will). Always be prepared to walk away and have an exit plan. I do hope this chat has been a boot up his backside and he is willing to step up and stop the ridiculous man child behaviour. It is not what you and your baby need. You absolutely must prioritise your wellbeing. Take care OP.

It's just very different. We do want kids but we maybe we don't have the same biological yearning? If it happens, amazing and if it doesn't, It doesn't. My partner would say that every inch of her being yearned for a baby. To raise kids and be the best mom ever. She put so much stock into it, she became convinced that even before we tried it, she would be infertile. So many tears, so many arguments and fears about a scenario that had not even happened. On our very first attempt, boom - pregnant! She then had 9 months of building an incredible bond with our baby that I didn't. Even when I felt the baby kick I was worried at why I didn't feel anything tingle inside me.

However, the very moment our 1st daughter was born, some genetic memory instantly activated. I realised that was my purpose in life was always this beautiful little soul. Where as for my partner it was the reverse. This wonderful dream she had was suddenly shattered with the stark reality of a nightmare baby (just clueless parents). She said on reflection it took her a long time to identify and process those conflicting emotions. She said it was like mourning the passing of who she was before and dealing with the uncertainty of not knowing who would emerge. All of which manifested itself during this period in statements like 'you do nothing! '. She's the best mom ever but lives with so much mom guilt that she isn't. Which is why it can never be 50/50 as a man, I don't feel that.

@daddydog

Who does more or less is subjective, and those first few months, it's hard to see anything straight. Whoever had the baby would end up with a bit of tunnel vision
I always wished there was a camera crew following us for that first 3 months because both of us would have realised how skewed our perspectives were and how we supported each other to get through it.

You will be thrilled ot hear that there have been multiple studies doing this kind of observation and matching it against self reporting from both partners.

Consistently the results they find is men massively overestimate their contribution but also that women also overestimate the man's contribution (just to a lessor degree). Typically where the man self reports 50% the observations record significantly less than 50%.

This is also consistent with other observational studies across all ages and roles. eg most teachers will have been told about the observational studies in classrooms where teachers and children report boys and girls getting equal attention but the observations consistently show boys getting disproportionately more attention.

This is so normalised in society that when I hear couples saying "we shared housework/childcare equally" I automatically think "maybe but..."

@Daddydog bloody hell no wonder your wife struggled, she completely set herself up for disappointment with those massively unrealistic, rose-tinted expectations!

Couldn't agree more, which is why the dads I know who try Vs don't all will claim at some point they are a 'hands on dad'. What does that even mean? Imagine if a mum said that!

So you think that the only valid reason to leave a relationship is physical violence? What about emotional or financial abuse? What abour coersive control?

If OP would be happier outside this relationship, that is a good enough reason to leave.

Good observation @Daddydog that no one ever talks about a woman being a "hands on mum".

I would have hoped that society would have moved on a bit more than it has in the 30 years since I had babies towards parenting being seen as an equal responsibility. But it hasn't really - not according to what I read on Mumsnet anyway.

So many lousy Dads (not aimed at you, you sound nice).

Totally. And just to add to it, she was born to a 13 year old, adopted as a 6 week old baby to her wonderful mom who couldn't have kids. Her Baby shower was hosted in the Hospice as her mum died of cancer 5 weeks before our baby was born. A lot of expectations which I was unable to manage due to circumstances :(

Totally. And just to add to it, she was born to a 13 year old, adopted as a 6 week old baby to her wonderful mom who couldn't have kids. Her Baby shower was hosted in the Hospice as her mum died of cancer 5 weeks before our baby was born. A lot of expectations which I was unable to manage due to circumstances :(

Oh my goodness that's sad, your poor poor wife. I hope she's doing very well now.

Where did you meet all these women? At the Surrendered Wife Club?