Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

[MincePieFan88]

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

Well evidently it can be and is for many people.

YANBU

The first year with a baby is fucking tough. My H was very hands on and even then I nearly told him to go fuck himself several times.

You sound pretty switched on so I’m sure you won’t be putting up with him and his shit for much longer! Xx

“Thank your husband for what he does?” Lol. How’s life in the 1930s?

Who cares what the op is doing all day? Her DH is refusing to heat up her lunch while she breastfeeds her baby and is threatening to stop helping with anything baby related unless she gives him more respect and thanks. How on earth do you think that is OK?

@MincePieFan88 Sorry to hear this, after your DH was being such an equal parent to begin with.

Two things to say:

Not pulling his weight around the home is a common occurrence. He should do his fair share, and actually a bit more while you’re breast feeding, because you’re immobile a lot of the day. In my experience, it often depends on how their own parents were. If his mother did nearly all the housework, he may slip into that learned behaviour subconsciously. You can only keep talking about this, including via counselling. Did he do his equal share before or just since the baby was born? Do you have different standards of what should be done when? Hopefully, you can work this out. It’s common to hit a bit of a wall at 12 weeks, when the novelty of a new baby starts to wear off and the reality of having a permanent house guest for the next 18 years kicks in.

Second point is more serious. He’s showing abusive behaviour. The silent treatment. Threatening not to help at all. Suggesting you expect too much compared to others. Gaslighting you in front of others by presenting himself as a martyr. Keep a close eye on this. When you hit problems, you should be able to maturely and calmly let him know how you feel and what you suggest would help. And he should be able to maturely respond by showing empathy and giving his own suggestions in order to find a solution you both think is reasonable and fair.

Set clear boundaries in the face of abusive behaviour. Call it out.

Then stop doing anything for him and tell him it is over and that plans need to be made to separate

Please leave him asap.He not going to get any better and you and the child will suffer for it.

I perhaps have a slightly different opinion. I strongly believe that newborns are more settled in the long run if mum does the Lion's share of the work, which does include all the night feeds.

That way someone has had a full night's sleep and yes unfortunately that is the man. Then he is able to help during the say refreshed and then in turn he allows you to nap throughout the day while the baby sleeps. This will work out better in the long run for everyone, because the newborn baby phase is the absolute shortest stage in a baby's life, and moving forward men then can slowly increase their involvement and become a more equal parent. Invest the time now and down the line everyone is happier and contented. I truly believe making men do the equal share from the start does everyone a disservice because newborns were never ment to be cared for in such a way, and if woman were honest men are far better at taking care of slightly older babies when they are less vulnerable and fragile. I am on baby number 3, and this is the route we have taken for all our children and although we have had our problems, we have never argued about feeding newborns etc or lack of sleep or chores because I have never expected that a man replace that special mother and baby bonding time.

I think some men like the idea of separating and only seeing their child/having to do all the hard work every other weekend.

Is he maybe envious that 2, maybe 3 of his friends are going to be single and he’s trying to orchestrate that life too? I may be completely wrong and don’t want to upset you but just a thought.

This is coercive behaviour.

It is notable that it has started when you are vulnerable. The reason why it never happened before is because he has never been in a more powerful position than you. He is denying you any help as a means to control you. He thinks about how he can reinforce this with anecdotal evidence from his colleagues.

Your husband will go on to become more abusive as the demands of having young children render you more vulnerable. If you lose your job, or become ill, he will also weaponise this to his advantage. There is something fundamentally wrong with a person who does this and I think you need to examine the dynamic between you.

Like PP have said: You don't actually need him at all. You could play the same game: "do as I say, or I'll walk". You could just walk now, before he gets all the money you are paying for that mortgage. I do not think you are going to be happy or cared for in this marriage.

There are some men who think maternity leave means their wife is now a housewife and like to play the Big I am, with the little woman at home, as if he's some incredible provider who has facilitated this...unfortunately even when their wife returns to work, this narrative persists.

But @Wishingplenty he wouldn't even heat her lunch for her! That wasn't even for the baby!

And were you the main earner when you raised those kids?

What a load of 1950s misogynistic bollocks. He’s at work all day - he doesn’t facilitate OP napping, or doing anything else for herself during the day because he’s not bloody there !! He’s controlling and abusive when he is there and refusing to help at all because his loser mates told him he shouldn’t. It’s his child too, and on this evidence giving him a free pass now will mean he never steps up.

No one tells you just how hard it is 💐

it’s a huge change for you both.
my DH and I were not dissimilar tbh. I had a lot of “I can’t do anything right” from him 🙄
Retrospectively I was a sleep deprived and he wasn’t having the easiest time of it from me either.

i don’t have the good answers but both of us found first time parenting a shock to the system and it took a year or so for normal service to resume and no 2 was still hard

as easy as it is to shout divorce I think it’s premature but i would also really push for couples counselling now

also get a cleaner if you can afford it as a joint expense.

if / when you go back to work it hasn’t resolved realistically you will need to stop doing his laundry and buy in ready made dinners or batch cook for yourself and baby which is what I resorted to. I hated it, He felt pushed out etc but it was the only way I could cope with being a primary carer and house manager AND social secretary with a high pressured job.

i would reiterate it is SO hard. We have 2 under 3 now (<2 years between them) I am now a bit more circumspect and know a lot of the “issues” will resolve simply if I wait (the kids get bigger)

I also think the training for a marathon is a joke with a newborn

If you earn 2 x his salary normally and have a fully paid mat leave he should be doing all the housework. Don't let him shirk it. If needed stop contributing to his expenses

I’m glad that works for you but I absolutely disagree that the mother doing the lion share of the work is better for newborns. Your post is full of gendered stereotypes and assumptions. Why on earth aren’t men competent at taking care of vulnerable new born babies and need to wait until the baby is older? Baffling. Baby needs to bond with both caregivers and women running themselves into the ground and putting themselves at greater risk of PPD is not helpful or to be advised. My DH is fabulous with new borns and took excellent care of DC from the start, as he should. His masculinity proved no handicap. My DC have been settled from early on and I’m sure that is largely because both parents were present but equally able to get rest and re-charge.

Men like this are bullies . You are vulnerable and “need”him he is using this against you .
Also I bet he has felt inferior to you and now feels he’s some sort of god because you are needing of him . He’s also bored of parenting already .

My advice is don’t let ANYONE take the joy of your child away from you .
He is ment to behave your back .
Deep down he knows he’s being shit this is his issues.

He has shown you who he is .
Id leave before I’d be treated like this and before your son is 5 and he has ruined all the happy early years for you.

Again, whats the relevence of main earner here? It's all be fine if he was Mr Big Man bringing all the cash in? The couple are a team and should each pull their weight regardless of who earns what imo. SAHMs and those on low wage shouldn't be expected to put up and shut up just because the partner earns more.

Agree. The problem isn’t him caring for the baby. He does that. It’s the housework and his shocking behaviour.

Oh well have it your way, but the fact remains babies are incapable of knowing what a stereotype is or what century we are living in. They are programmed by biological need which hasn't changed. Also in the real world I have met many women that have done the same as me and they are all happy.

Remember this, write it down and if you ever consider a second read it and do not do it. I just don't understand men like this. My dh was just as in love with our kids as I was and would race home to be with them as he missed them. They change so much in the early days he just didn't want to be away from them. I don't say this to make you feel like shit but just to share not all men are like this. We all have different boundaries and you are in the thick of it with a 12 week old baby. I'd be having a sit down chat where you both speak honestly and go from there. It's his attitude and overall thinking that needs a rehaul. He isn't helping you by changing a nappy, this child belongs to him too and it's just the bloody basics. Yes saying please snd thankyou as well as appreciating each other is normal in a healthy relationship, you don't need to wax lyrical about a father doing some parenting when you do it every single day. Work is not a get out clause as far as I'm concerned, when he's home he ought to step up as you are a team. If he agrees, counselling could help. Ultimately I'd ltb, you make twice as much money and have choices.

My ExH was like this. He never once did a night feed, even when I begged him. We had 2 under 2 years old. He was out shagging other women when I was at home with the babies. I left him eventually. Kids are now adults and worship the ground he walks on. Me, not so much.

This

I am old. Your post makes me really sad @MincePieFan88 I thought things had got better for women.

My advice is, sit him down, talk to him. Tell him as calmly as you can how his behaviour is making you feel. He will probably be defensive and hostile, but still give him a chance to change.

If he doesn't shape up, get out of the marriage.

Eta : just read @CinnamonJellyBeans post. It is bang on.

First useful post, this is a totally terrible time in terms of feeling like there's not any light at the end of the tunnel and what with winter coming everyone is going to feel terrible.
He's clearly gone in with good intentions but lost the spark of enthusiasm, and you aren't able to resolve it together.