For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

[Shopaddict]

My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

It’s unusual not to invite friends’ spouses to a wedding, yes, but maybe they’re trying to keep numbers small? Given you didn’t invite them to your wedding you’re not in a position to be annoyed about that - although obviously if you feel sad because you were looking forward to the wedding that’s fine, you’re allowed your feelings. Is your husband close to their friend? Are you?

Some key info missing here- how close is your DH to his friend, and how close are you to them?

Has there been some kind of oversight? How could they send you a Save the Date then not follow up with an actual invitation for you too? Is it worth your husband gently checking with them?

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

But you didn't.
You didn't even invite your own friends, let alone your friends' partners.
Saying what you "would have done" doesn't really hold up.

I think, historically, people did invite partners but now, costs are usually so high, it has become more and more common to invite just the person who is your friend. More so if they are part of a group who can go together.

It would be lovely if we could all afford to invite everyone we'd like to, but I don't think many people can do that.

Their wedding, their choice - just as yours was your choice (you probably upset some people who might have liked to share your day with you).

Maybe they can't afford to invite all the plus ones, or maybe it's a small venue and they'd have to cut down on family members or other friends in order to accommodate you?

I don’t think this is terribly uncommon when people are trying to keep their weddings small. DH and I have both been to a couple of friends’ weddings alone. It’s not personal. The respective friends of the other may like us, as a spouse of their friend, but we are ultimately not very close ourselves, and inviting a friend’s spouse means not being able to invite an actual friend or a relative. I’d prefer to stay at home than be an obligation guest taking a space away from the bride or groom’s actual friends.

I think many things about weddings used to be considered “normal”, but things change, especially as costs have increased.

My DH is good friends with him! They chat often, and I’ve met them a lot when there’s been parties/meet ups. My husband sees him as a brother

I forgot to mention in my OP that we did plan for a huge party to replace the wedding and invited everyone, but due to covid it never went ahead.

It is probably a numbers issue. Let DH go on his own and let it go. But let him get ( and pay for) the pressie and the card. And wrap them.

And the Christmas cards/pressies and birthday cards/pressies and Christening/birthday cards/ pressies for the future kids forever. Match their energy.

Edited for typos.

I think it's a bit rude to send a save the date and then not an actual invitation.

I understand that they've probably had to revise the guest list down due to costs since sending out the save the dates, but I'd be mortified to send someone a save the date and then just not invite them without so much as a message to explain.

I think due to the cost of weddings now this is becoming far more common - the friend is invited to the wedding, then the friends partner is invited to join them at the evening reception. My dd's wedding was the first time I came across this and it felt very strange to me but I do understand this.

Your husband isn’t going to be the best man or a groomsman is he? If he has a role in the wedding, I can see why they might not have invited a partner who would be on their own for most of it?

My DH got a message explaining that he doesn’t have a plus one, so I’m definitely not invited

He isn’t, he’s just a guest but will be there for the whole day

Personally I think it is very rude not to invite the spouse of a long-term friend, especially as he has known you both for several years. It's not like you only met your DH a month ago.

That is very true, I never planned a wedding so I don’t know what the costs are exactly.

Personally I think it's really rude and bad manners that they have invited your DH and not you. Especially as you say you have met the couple frequently and your DH is a close friend to him.

What does your DH think ? Is he not annoyed that you haven't been invited?

I think it's pretty shit. It's not the end of the world, but I don't blame you for being upset @Shopaddict.

I wouldn’t have minded if I’d only been with my husband for a year or so, or that DH hadn’t been friends with him for a long time, at that point I wouldn’t have even thought I would get an invite

For someone who your DH sees as a brother you personally don’t seem to spend a lot of time with him. From what you said it sounds like you’ve just seen him in group settings so not just him with you guys or both couples and no others. So if numbers were tight, I can see how this happened.

The also may just think you are just a wedding person so won’t be upset if you are one to cut.

I haven’t actually asked what he thinks, I haven’t even told him I’m upset. I don’t want him to feel bad for going, so I’ve been acting like it’s all good and an “oh well”

I dunno, I have a friend of 20 years who recently invited me to her wedding and not my DP (of 7 years who has met her loads but in the circumstances you’ve described ie just group settings) cos she was keeping costs down, neither he nor I thought twice about it.

If you’re miffed then that’s how you feel and is valid, but I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong really.

Are you friends with the bride?

How big is the wedding?

Poor form to put you both on the save the date.

Can you tease out what makes you sad? Is it actually the wedding? Did you think that you personally had a good friendship with the bride and groom because you spend a lot of time together and this has dispelled that notion? Do you all spend a lot of time together?

My DH and his friend are part of a group, so they all see each other together. Very rarely it’s just one of them. They’re all very close.

We do live quite far from them now too, and busy with work and our families, so meet ups aren’t as common as they used to be, but DH still speaks to the group regularly.