For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

[Shopaddict]

My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

Perhaps you have a limited social circle then?

Admittedly, when I got married, many decades ago, it wouldn't have been the done thing, but 'costs per head' weren't so ludicrous back then.

I have 3x adult dc and several nieces and nephews in their 20s and just tipping into their 30s and this has very much become more of a thing in the last few years. People go with the friends from wherever they know the person from. So it might be you were friends at school, or University, and those people who were in that friendship group from that time, go together, without current partners who they weren't with at the time. The same way it has always been with - for example- inviting colleagues in the evening, and the colleagues themselves go, rather than colleagues plus partners.
None of them think it strange, and indeed, the two who have got married felt relieved that etiquette has evolved from 'back in the day' when it would have been seen as less acceptable. It makes much more sense to invite 6 of your actual friends without partners than to have to choose which 3 of the 6 close friends you have, but to invite their partners who you don't really have a relationship with.

That is a very strange way to turn things on their head.

There is only one person getting things backwards here. It is quite clear that the people who are hosting are not 'having a favour done for them' by inviting people to what is their very special time. That's hilarious.

How about because you're going to leave a trail of hurt feelings and annoyed friends and relatives? Is that a good enough reason to show a bit of basic courtesy to your guests?

Expecting to do everything as a couple feels like a hark back to times when women were not allowed out without their husbands.

Did you even bother reading my post properly in your rush to post and berate what I said?

I stated clearly that it's fine to do stuff with friends separately too. 🙄

Maybe try reading posts properly before responding in future eh?

It's these sorts of threads that reinforce the fact to me that I am getting old.

I'm mid-Gen X. I wouldn't consider a spouse to be a 'plus one' at a wedding, but a unit. 'In my day' living with someone would also fall into this category as well as - probably - a long-term partner not living together. But the area does get greyer there. A few people did have the 'no ring, no bring' policy but it was pretty rare and nearly 30 years later that would be VERY hard to enforce.

This is a very weird situation OP, you've known them for a while now. I'm fascinated by posters trying to justify it. The B&G have obvs found a way to but I have to say I wouldn't cross the road for this pair in the future, so to speak. If it's convenient to meet up fine, if not I'd not bother. They obviously don't consider you a proper friend but a DH-hanger on.

And as for the idea a PP suggested that they're going to mix up tables of male and female friends whose partners weren't invited cause it's 'easier' - WTAF.

“A trail of hurt feelings” seems very dramatic when we’re talking about friends’ spouses you see a few times a year.

It also seems quite dramatic against what OP has posted, which is more “I’m sad, would have been fun but oh well. I’ll do something else fab that day instead”

I read threads like these and wonder why people bother getting married - or rather having a wedding - at all. So many people seem to treat everything as an affront! I get that it’s a form of self-selection, as no one starts a Mumsnet thread to say they went to a lovely wedding where nothing went wrong. But the complaints just seem endless.

Not invited? It’s hurtful and a snub, even if you don’t actually want to go (or, as in one case on this thread, don’t even like the groom!) Invited? It’s all a big expense and a hassle if it’s more than half an hour away. Kids not invited? They’re not “acknowledging” your family unit and clearly don’t understand how difficult and expensive childcare can be to arrange. Kids invited? Oh, great - that’s FOUR outfits and TWO hotel rooms to pay for. And God forbid it’s not on a Saturday…

Whatever happened to being pleased to get a nice invitation, or finding a polite way to decline if it’s unwelcome or inconvenient?

The idea that because the day is special to you, you are doing your guests a massive favour by inviting them, lies at the core of the gauche narcissism around weddings.

It’s based on a failure to understand or be aware of basic principles of social etiquette.

An invitation is a request for the honour of your guests’ company on the occasion of your marriage. You have asked them to celebrate with you, and they have put themselves out to turn up for you, perhaps even travelling far. They did not ask if they could attend. Nor are you the queen (or bridezilla) sending a favour for a private audience at court.

^ This. It’s peak narcissistic entitlement.

Admittedly, when I got married, many decades ago, it wouldn't have been the done thing, but 'costs per head' weren't so ludicrous back then.

Only because people expect lavish weddings. That’s why costs have increased (separate to inflation). The obsession with pretending to be an aristocrat for a day in a stately home venue you can’t actually afford.

Buying a sit down dinner for 50-100 people is expensive whether you are doing it in a stately home or the nearest holiday inn.

And not everyone has the capacity to self cater, especially if they are getting married near the home of one set of parents rather than their own home.

What @SheilaFentiman said.

I'm guessing you haven't tried to arrange a wedding recently @Mirabai ?

I have wondered if the wedding 'industry' really got going after Lady Di's wedding.

I did read your post - you thought couples should go to weddings together.
This thread is about weddings. Not other things that people might be invited to or do.

Perfectly fine for one person in a couple to go on their own.

Putting a pin in a “trail of hurt feelings” being a huge over dramatisation of the situation, where does doing things at YOUR wedding so as not to piss off every single person who is attending or who could potentially attend end?

You can’t please everyone- whether that’s not giving an automatic plus one to a friend’s spouse because you’re not that close, or having the wedding venue somewhere that requires travel for some of your guests, or deciding not to cut a cake because you’re not fussed on cake even though your nan will be heartbroken if you forgo that particular tradition. Where do you draw the line?

A lot of the posts suggesting that weddings are all narcissistic and selfish and generally awful seem to be from people who would also be equally affronted to not be invited to one. Very strange.

It's a polite way to make an inquiry, rather than saying, "Why are you being so petty?"

It would be interesting if the husband said, "I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate your not including my wife, and I won't be coming."

“Sorry to hear that, mate, but as we said, it’s no plus-ones, else the numbers get crazy and we haven’t got enough space. I know you understand about not wanting a wedding to get too big, as you only had family at yours.”

But there’s nothing to enquire about. They’ve said no plus ones - The End. OP’s husband can either accept both that and the invitation, or decide he doesn’t want to go and turn it down.

And yet another thread where the terminal social insecurity of so many Mners, and their determination to see slights and ‘exclusions’ everywhere from the school run to wedding invitations, suggests reasons for the disproportionate numbers of posters who complain about being friendless.

The OP has known at least one member of this couple for 8 years.

Despite being married to her DH for six years, she's still in the category of 'plus-one' to her DH, whose been a friend of the groom's for 20 years, when it comes to these people's wedding. It's not unreasonable to feel taken aback by that regardless of whatever you may think about the etiquette of it all. This isn't 'terminal insecurity' or 'a determination to see slights and exclusions.'

It's fucking bizarre, bluntly, and if you polled the general population I highly doubt the YABU team would come out ahead.

If I were getting married, and had a tight friendship group, only one of whom was married, I would probably not do what this bride and groom did, but I can also see why someone would.

I do also think that if I were in the position of the OP, and discovered none of my DH’s friendship group’s girlfriends were invited either, I’d genuinely be fine with it, as it clearly wasn’t personal. Save the Dates don’t always translate into an invitation, in my experience.

I am so glad you are fine now @Shopaddict have a lovely day.

To me married couples may be a "isocial unit" but it doesn't mean they are joined at the hip. To say you should always be included I think is wrong. And especially with weddings - the B&G have so much to juggle. Let them have their day. . I would hesitate to say they are being rude , other than "no plus ones " - there could be a happier way of phrasing this or could explain owing to numbers / costs etc - but I doubt they are being deliberately hurtful

Anyway as I say have a lovely relaxing day.

💐

YY.

I can absolutely see a similar AIBU from one of the girlfrends of the group, which would get also plenty of YANBUs...

"I've been dating Steve for 18 months now, we've started talking about living together, but I haven't been invited to Bob and Jane's wedding. Steve's friend Mike has been allowed to bring his wife, Kate. AIBU to think that Bob and Jane should treat the group equally and allow either everyone or no-one to bring a partner??"

And they'd probably get told they are being unreasonable because the wife might have known the groom much longer and be considered a 'friend' in her own right, not just a "plus one."

There is a difference and I think in the OPs mind, also having been given a save the date card, it's quite understandable to feel the rug was pulled out from under her a bit. It's not the end of the world, of course, but the B&G haven't handled this well. They've been impolite.